Foresight for the Coming Year

(The Preacher side of me talking)
Yet another year has almost reached it's end. Winter can be a long, cold night for those who wait for the warm comfort of affection. Alas, we must be headstrong and look forward to a new day with renewed hope that God will carry us through. The future may be bleak and unreassuring but rest easy to know that these undertakings will mold our character and give us the strength we need to overcome the trials of tomorrow. We may not be given the clairvoyance to see what lies ahead but we shall be content in living each moment to the fullest.

(The Coffee Addict in me talking)
Ditto. Just as long as I have a good brew and a good book, whatever fate deals me I shall face with a warm, sleepless smile. The future can be warm and calm only if you want it to, but why choose that? So many things to see and things to do, the loneliness won't set in as long as you keep on working. Play something with a little bounce in it, don't pull out your "senti" CD's, that will only keep you down and longing for things that maybe you're not suppose to have. I agree with the preacher, live each moment the way you sip your coffee: drink to indulge not to quench the thirst.

(The Jedi in me talking)
Clouded, the future is. If you knew what the future is, then it would not come to pass. Be mindful of the things you say to others for the world you move in is tied to your fate. Your longing for affection was part of the old life that you have forsaken. The jedi life should not be corrupted in self-indulgence. Love to heal others and not to fill the gaping void in your heart. Trust your feelings. You'll traverse everything just as long as you stay focused on your true mission.

(The Comic in me talking)
It's all good. I consider it a good day when I don't get cuffed, put on a choke hold or blinded with pepper spray. Don't ask why, I don't. Just keep your head high and pretend you own an obscenely huge amount of money, that'll keep you jolly until you start reaching for wallet. You are what you feel. So don't go reaching for that wallet, if you do, you'll be reminded that you have no money and that you're alone (explains why you only have pictures of you in there, or worse you and your ex).

Hope next year will bring you a renewed appreciation for the things you have. It's like I always say: Life is like a doughnut. (No. Not because it's round, dumbass) It's all filled with different flavors and tastes and take on different sizes and colors. Yet some doughnuts have holes in the middle. If a person looks at the hole in the center, you'd realize that the same hole fills the void of everything else. It's the dream house you can never have, the car you've always wanted or that girl you've always had a thing for. If you concentrate on that hole, you'll never notice your life pass you by. Try to appreciate your life, the one that surrounds the hole. If you take time to appreciate it, you'll see that it's as good as any flavored-filled doughnuts. Happy holidays!!

Christmas by Myself (once again)

It's a record. I've managed to stay single through the holidays for 24 straight years. Can't say I'm proud of it but, it's an achievement on it's own. It seems only last year I promised myself never to allow anything to come in the way of finding romance, I inevitably missed out on it again. A trend, I suppose. It's the same scene as always: I'll be looking out on the window thinking of the things I could've done, things I could've said like something from a cheesy feel-good movie.

Although I value companionship as much as the next guy, I can't bring myself to rush things and sometimes say things even when it should be at that moment in time. A weakness I am aware of, much to my regret. It's ridiculously funny when I can sweep any woman off her feet but feel so uneasy at even trying to say something nice to someone I really like. Must be a curse that all ex-players must deal with. The only explanation I could think of is that when you say flowery words to someone to impress them, it's easy and you don't think of the consequences because it doesn't bare any meaning to you as opposed to saying it to someone you do like. Doesn't make sense sometimes. It's better that way I guess. If attraction was easy I guess we would have a good book about it.

By the way, I decided not to go about with the mission I was tasked with. I've contemplated and concluded that everyone deserves the chance to be happy. If this girl really loves this asshole, it doesn't matter what I show her. She would still choose him. If she gets burned in the end, maybe it's a lesson she needed to learn. Plus the fact that I don't really have the time and energy to steal someone's affection. I already have my hands full with this girl I like (not that I've done much) without having to take on a new load.

Somehow, I feel that everything is in its place. In as much as I want to change things, I'm afraid I don't have the will power to do that yet. I just hope she understands that she's that important to me. Not that she reads any of my journals here, still I'm hopeful that she will know.

Unbecoming of a Gentleman

"Wow, you sound so cool!", she was almost too easy. "Steal her from her crappy boyfriend.", an earlier conversation. "Help her. You owe me!", the words came of a shock to me. I was to become that monster which I hated the most. And yet out of all this, it felt like I owe it to this wonderful woman that I should snatch her from her present state. She's a middle-aged woman in her late twenties. Tall, beautiful and surprisingly intelligent. She's bound to marriage soon and her soon-to-be husband is all but right for her (at least from the point of view of her friends). They have suspected him of cheating and all sorts of betrayal. "She doesn't deserve this.", the voice said again. "Do this one more time.....for me.", a sigh and a nod. I could only agree.


Here I was, setting out on a dark but sacred mission as well. I'm still contemplating on the fact that despite her unusual liking for me, she is contented with her life. "I'm not cut out for this...", I said to myself, "...not anymore."

I couldn't say no to this mission. I owed her a lot. If I could do this, I would have repaid all debts and finally I could say "A heart for a heart, my debt is repaid." Still, a guilty conscience I must carry, the "mark" is simply unaware of my intentions and the repercussions of what I'm about to do could ruin her perfect life. To even consider breaking up a relationship is unbecoming a gentleman and a jedi most of all. "Think of it, you're actually saving her from a huge mistake.", the voice said again.

With my eyes closed, I moved in and introduced myself. It has begun....

Silent Stupor

"Hey, It's been a while....", the voice said with a casual tone. "I'm sorry I haven't even tried talking to you....", with a hint of trembling regret. She gave him that indifferent look as he tries to reach out for her. "I know I have no right to tell you this, and I probably shouldn't...". She ignores him and continues to do her doodling. "I've been thinking about you and....", he grasps for the words that he practiced earlier on. "....I like you a lot and I was hoping...", she cuts him off and says, "I'm sorry, you're really not my type." He tries to explain himself, "I know I'm not, I was just hoping you would....", she interrupts him again and says "There's no need to." "What for?". He just stood there, can't believe what he just heard. This was not what he practiced while he was acting this very scenario on the way to work. Tears which he thought had dried out from all the pain before once flowed again, the bitter harvest of rejection. Suddenly the dark took hold of him again. There is no point in trying to. It is inevitable.

Then I woke up. It was just a dream. Or was it? Was it a conclusion drawn from emotions? More importantly, was it foresight? Fear started to creep from the dark corners of my psyche. I don't want to be that person again. I promised myself I would not let it happen. Then there was nothing but silence. I couldn't move.

Just Got Paid

Nothing feels like the warm sensation of reaching out to that ATM and getting some of your hard-earned cash. Makes the torture of having to explain the energy deregulation law to an 80-year-old woman worth it. I've had money before, but it's not quite like this.

Makes my policy of "don't mind the money, mind the work" really hard to swallow. I have to keep reminding myself that the cash I earn is only a means to an end, not the main goal of why I work. This way, I love my job and the dough is just bonus. Someday, I'll setup a business of my own, be my own boss. For now, let's be the good employee.

Blinded Future

Recently, a chain of events have occurred that has turned the tide. The powers that be has decided to assign me to another split. A decision I was not advised of. It is not my place to decide on where my battles should lie but, a warrior must know if he would be thrown into a fray. Now, I fear for my survival. It was unforeseen that the perks I was beginning to enjoy would be taken away so quickly.

Anyway, enough about my job. A jedi's work is no place for a blogg. My attention draws to chuvaness again. It's been an unsettling scene to watch her be drawn to someone else. I fear that she would fall for this friendly admirer, I must do something quickly before she is lost to me. I can no longer afford to remain in dark and watch her drift away. Still, I wouldn't know what to do if I were to make a move. The path of uncertainty is a road I never choose, it's been a policy of mine to always take a path I know would lead me to a place I want to be.

Too much risk for something so uncertain. Will it be worth it? We shall soon see.

My Word is Stronger than Oak

This statement is from a movie starring Tom Cruise. It denotes that a promise from me is stronger than any contract you can ever sign.

A couple of weeks ago, I had made a pact with my supervisor that I won't be absent if I could avoid it. This day, I am bound to attend an important family event. I chose not to go. In the eyes of my family, it is but another show of rebellion and neglect for the bloodlines. For me, it is a testimony of manhood.

The difference between a man and a boy boils down to one thing. A man is responsible for the things he does and says. A boy however, is not accountable for anything. Today, I chose to live up to my duties and my word at the cost of having a lot of eye brows raised at the family affair. I've never broken any promises, I'm not about to start now. Many people despise me for this trait, some admire me for it. My concern lies not with what people think of me, but what I think of myself. I could never look myself in the mirror if I know I could've done better. If the heroes of the past chose to be with their families at the hour need, the country would still be in slavery. Sacrifices are made for the good of everything. This small birthday party is just the beginning.

In the end, what makes man a man are the choices he makes. Not his past, not his rapport, but by the things he stand for.

An Unsettling Silence

It's been quite a while since I wrote at this blogg page. The silence that followed after the horrible loss of internet access at the office was simply unbearable. The aftermath that followed was even more catastrophic. The blame game was on. It was rumored that one agent was responsible for this senseless deprivation of privilege, her name I dare not say. One story points to a seemingly hapless girl who exploits her internet access, the other points to a vulgar agent who shared her privilege to others. Which story is true? I dare not say at the risk of becoming biased. The seemingly hapless girl is one of my good friends. The other, however, has a bad image on me.

The loss, however, opened up a rather interesting fact. Most agents who use this privilege do it out of either boredom or just because it's there. The one's who really need it still go out of their way to access the net. One such as me. For me, this privilege is a window for my thoughts. My mind often wanders into the void and barely stays inside the confines of an office. The net has proven to be quite a space to wander about. For those who still view this blogg page, my thanks to you. Bare in mind though, that I write simply to satisfy my hunger to express myself and not to impress the readers. Explains why I continue to type away even when there is no one to listen. My heart goes out to chuvaness who has deeply suffered at the loss of this little office perk. Hopefully, this undertaking will give her time to interact with the people around her. More so, with me. I'm keeping my fingers cross. Hopefully, this unsettling silence would hide my intentions.

Wheels of the Industry

This past few weeks have been a real back-breaker. I found myself waking up to go to work early. The thought of logging in to take in calls gave my blood a stir it has so longed for this past few months. I have come to love my job again.

Aside from my "chuvaness" who gives me inspiration, the powers that be has given us something to look forward to. Extra earnings. Nothing drives the wheels of the industry like the promise of a good cash register ring. The calls are never on queue for a long time as the agents rush to get more calls. A renewed gladness and strength has gripped the whole precinct. Is as if a Christmas miracle started early. The tables have been turned upside down. Agents frown when their on "avail" status, the noise that lingers are that of business matters, the team leaders are begging for us to take our breaks.

How long before the human soul becomes unsatisfied once again? Only time will tell. For now, it is the age of progress. Let us hope it stays longer.

The Jedi Unmasked

Recently I have learned that the "anomaly" had discovered the nature of my intentions for her. A jedi trait perhaps? During a recent exchange of information from "Agent D", the beautiful and seductive traveler from the east, I have learned that she had been aware of my mission for God knows how long! Clearly this is a breach in security that I had not foreseen. I have underestimated my quarry and she turned out to be smarter and more observant than I had originally anticipated.

Then again, (and I've said this countless number of times), I'm not really good at practicing discretion since my feelings get ahead of me. A flaw I'm unable to correct since time in memorial. I only wish I had told her myself rather than her deducing it from sheer observation. I wish I'd told her how my heart stops for five seconds every time she smiles, how she inspires me and lights up my darkest moments, how a man of so many words become speechless at the mere sight of her. Okay, maybe it's a little cheesy but, it's understandable because of my current state. Oh, regrets.

The tension grows, however. The distance between us narrows at each passing moment. There may be no hope for me to ameliorate the situation. 'Tis a tragedy to lose the battle before it has begun. For now, I intend not to end the masquerade and try to build whatever it is that I've started. I wish I would have her eyes look at me in the same way again. May God help us in this undertaking.

Journey Back to Dark Side

I had another encounter with the dark side just recently. What seemed like an innocent team bonding with a couple of officemates turned out to be a blast from the past. I found myself in the familiar dance floor at Ratzky. The music was just right and the dance floor called out to me like it once did before.

In life, all of us have to deal with our dark past and the things we gave up for the good of something. Kenshee Himura has his Battousai past and Beatrix Kiddo has her Black Mamba. I, on the other hand, had this other side of me I thought I had already banished. I must admit that when I was there, I couldn't fathom why I gave up all the partying for. Life is good and I'm young and single. "I should be out there grazing and stalking wild prey", I said to myself. Then again, the price I had to pay for all the hard partying back then made a painful backlash to my health and my financial standing. It takes a man to live dangerously and be on fortune's good humor but, it takes a better man to say "no" to the easy way out and do what is required of him.

Chuvaness once said that I look older for my age and that I act too seriously towards a lot of things. I replied and told her that maybe I just grew older earlier than most guys. When I think about all the money and time I've wasted during those partying years, I could never really forgive myself for not seeing clearly the path that I SHOULD take. I made promises to a lot of people I love and I intend to keep them. I've never broken a promise before and I'm not about to start now. I've hurt a lot of people this way, some of them are my closest friends. But in the end, if they are your friends, they will welcome you again with open arms. Be it your dark side or not. This is the path I chose. I hope you have already made yours, wisely.

A picture of my favorite dark lord of the sith... 

A graphic illustration of Jealousy, kinda blurry dont you think 

Jealousy for those Who Care Not

Yet another entry regarding the ever elusive chuvaness. To this day, my progress gained as much as the peso had recovered against the dollar. A weary and dreadful outcome seems to be the theme for every chance encounters.

My unease whenever she's around becomes more and more prominent with each passing day. I'm usually an affectionate guy, making my presence felt with a pat on the shoulder or a surprise back massage and even a light kiss on the cheeks with some. With her, everything changes. A greeting with a conservative smile, an eyebrow salute at the hallways and a not-so-accommodating wave good-bye. To some, it has become evident that I treat her differently and I act strange around her. To her, it is but a mere, trivial matter. She cares not for the way I treat her and is mostly unaware of my presence. At least to my knowledge. I've been catching her off guard with sly glances in my direction, I treat it with a comical tone for it is not in good nature of a Jedi to assume things.

Jealousy is indeed only for the things you would want to be exclusively yours. It may be that she does not wish to be treated the same for the simple fact that she does not care for it. People are starting to notice and she seems to be the only one who is absolutely clue-less regarding the matter. If she knows, I would really like to get at least a reaction of some sort, believe me when I say something is better than nothing at all. And so, my journey continues....

This poorly made picture made it look like I was in a jedi dream sequence. 

This is one of our pathetic attempts to promote some of our favorite products using our own marketing skills. Notice the almost fake smile I have... 

Chuvaness Conundrums

I spoke with the shark on the account of our chuvaness. It has been a while since the shark had start to stalk its prey and I started investigating on the anomaly. Since then, we have been inspired in ways we could not even start to explain. It is clear that the chuvaness has become more than a prey to the shark and has become more than an anomaly to me. We are left in a precarious position of moving forward in the direction where we can't go back or to remain amidst the crowd and continue on with the mission that we both started out on.

The competition seemed unabated and are constantly pursuing chuvaness at a disturbing pace. As much as we would like to take up the challenge, we are confronted with deeper issues that we were not able to resolve during the length of our mission. The fear of rejection has always been a hurdle on my part and the response of chuvaness to this advance might be treated as a consequential event brought about by her magnetism. I must admit that her smile never ceases to make my day. The number of suitors she had rejected in this manner might be the requiem for my unwanted attraction to her. A fitting end, I suppose. Tragic nonetheless.

A "husky" plan comes to mind, as suggested by the shark. Humorous, to say the least. Highly inappropriate when applied within the bounds of reality and the norms of human society. "I crush you" is hardly a good way of expressing one's affections. I must contemplate more on how to convey this matter in a more dignified and fitting expression. Something better than "I crush you." No pun intended.

Incohesive Thoughts and Memories

I just had a weird dream last night and could not piece it together. One minute I was with a beautiful young lady on my way to a distant place to unwind and the next minute, I was watching Gary V. perform live inside a church because he thought the music was a little too mellow for him. Like I said, weird. The thing is, I didn't know the young lady I was with but she had a familiar feeling like I've met her somewhere before.

Dreams are not made purely out of fantasy but rather they are made from the inner bowels of our unconscious mind. The people and things are not really non-existent but rather incohesive thoughts and memories from the past or present. This I learned from master Yoda himself. The troubling part is not when Gary V. started to dance but, the reason why I was in a Roman Catholic church with a familiar someone. I knew the place was cold, (must've been Bagiuo 'coz I've been dying to go there this past few months), and that the person I was with was someone I knew very well and was deeply in love with. Though dreams are never really taken seriously by science or otherwise, they are regarded as an omen or sign in the old days. The gift of foresight (common among jedi), is believed to be channeled by dreams when people go to sleep.

For now, I will meditate on this. Thoughts and memories are still a tool to be wielded properly and if properly allocated, will help you reach your proper end.

Diverse Paths

I had just been with my colleagues over dinner to wish one of our cherished friends luck on her journey to a foreign country to pursue her career as a pharmacist. It brings me joy to see one of my friends start out to find their dreams and live them and it pains me as well for I may never see her again.

It has been nearly four years since we graduated and went out on our separate ways to live our dreams. It's amazing how God brings different people together, break them up but still keep them connected in a totally different manner. In our journey through life, we travel along a common road and take paths along with the people we meet and at one point we would have to take a different road that may or may not lead to the same place we're trying to get to.

It's nice to know I have found a handful of people who are willing to walk the same path as me. I may lose some of them at one point but I know that I met these people to get me not to where I want to go, but where I should be.

Bleeding Existence

Over the week I was unable to work as my kidney problems set in and it has proven almost impossible to concentrate because of the pain. I set out to heal myself and ask God for the guidance I need to overcome the emotional and psychological repercussions of this event. As most guys don't think about a certain event in their life with much depth, I on the other hand, had made it a habit to always see things in different perspectives and points of view. A jedi trait lost to the general public.

As I am emotionally driven, my feelings are at the core of what I do. If I'm down, so is everything else. The recent illness I had dealt more damage to my mood than it did to my physiology. During the ordeal, I couldn't help but think that I was almost in my death bed with my blood pressure almost reaching an unstable level and there was no one around me and that no one even tried to contact me to even check if I were alive at the time. I almost died alone. Oh tragedy of tragedies. Can't say it never happened before though.

It is times like these when a bachelor such as myself feel the impact of being alone. Can't help but compare my life to some of my friends. Their special someone would not leave their side even if its just the flu. Corny, and yet it is something I've been missing all along.

Regrets set in as I lay down on my bed. I've always believed that love is not love until you give it away to someone. I almost died without having to tell her how I feel. And yet as tomorrow comes and I see her again, I would not have the courage to. The thought of her having to say "Scram!!" at my face is just too unbearable. Her thoughts betray her as I feel she already knows. She acts otherwise and refer to me as a third party with no name. Cute. Who knows, maybe I'm just paranoid. And so I must continue on to this road that the good Lord has set upon me. To continue a bleeding existence that will someday claim my life. Or not.

The Dark Side

I've reviewed my blogg page and it would seem that it has been filled with my angst and my disappointments along with some of the anger that has been building up inside me. My apologies. I do have a lighter side if you know me in person. The dark side of me is not exactly a pretty picture to behold. I'll try to include some of my usual humor and crazy antics as often as I can. Thanks.

Another Season of Loneliness

'Tis another Yuletide season fast approaching. I can almost smell the streetchildren coming to let out a song in exchange for cash. A gesture I never learned to appreciate. Forgive me if I sound like Ebenezer Scrooge so early in September, but I couldn't help but notice the nights are getting colder and longer. I'm getting older in the next month, people don't seem to notice as usual. Suits me just fine, I cant stand people greeting you to blandly ask for a free meal, I have none to spare, nor would I want to use my precious resources to feed some people who hardly knows me.

The past few years, I had less celebrations on the day I was born. Mostly 'coz I don't really care. I don't like the attention. Why should people treat you differently only because you were born on that day? If they really care, they would've treated you the same way all throughout the year! I dislike the fact that I'm reminded that I just got older with another year of being alone.

Last year, I thought it would all change. Didn't count on the fact that things don't really go the way you planned it. Must've been an oversight if not wishful thinking. The anomaly continue to haunt my dreams, she seems beautiful each day. Must be just me. As always, even if you can see the future, you cannot see past the next minute. Life is really unpredictable.

Contributor to the Cause

Hey guys, I'll be a contributor to Lynx's blogg page www.freshink.blogspot.com in the hopes that the women will understand us guys better by hearing our side of the story for once. Thanks for always reading.

Just Another Face in the Crowd

Love is truly a wonder to behold. It can inspire you and be a reason for your bitter end as well. It has come to my attention that some people are more resilient to emotional distress than others. To some, a lost love could be a life-changing event and would completely change the way they feel and think. Still for others, it's just part of life that you would have to go through. And to the few selected ones, just another excuse to get laid.

For those who know it as well as I do, after everything else has faded and the love that was is nothing more than a scar, we find it hard to go back to the way it was with the person you used to be with. After everything has been said and done, the moments shared will never go back to the friendship state that existed before the relationship. Atleast not after a while. Some take years to rebuild, mostly because they haven't seen each other in years as most scenarios suggest. The most common outcome of a relationship that didn't work out is a bitter and cold silent treatment.

Its amazing how one person could mean the world to you one day and would amount to nothing the next. Yet another mystery left uncheck by the Jedi council. Brings to mind this one time I was strolling at the mall and saw a familiar face. We came face to face but could not say anything to each other or know what to do. We just crossed paths and moved on. She disappeared among the crowd as I looked back. Then, there it was, I just realized that she and I became estranged to each other. We became just another face in the crowd that is unrecognizable from the rest.

Memories Part 3: Selfish Love

It was just another regular day for me, a time to rise from the ashes and learn from the lessons of the past. Who would know that in the not so distant future, fate will yet again stir the cauldron of emotiion.

A simple day of meeting new people has weilded another friend. This one was no different from the ones I've met before, a faceless companion connected only by means of modern contraptions. It was everyday that I got to a seemingly innocent conversation with her. I made it a point to make my life an open book to her so she would see the real person inside. It came to a point that we made phone calls to each other just to get more talk time. What started out as
pure friendship blossomed into a deeper level of human interest. We were falling for each other. What makes it different is that we have never met, physically. As much as we tried to contain it and leave it until we see each other, our emotions got the best of us. I suddenly found myself listening to her confess her feelings and I could not deny I had none for her.

And so it came to pass that we should finally see each other. I set out to look for her and attend her cousin's small birthday celebration. Small because it would only be me and a friend. As I set out on my mission to finally see her, I felt an unusual calmness. Unusual being that eventhough I have not met her in person yet, I could care less what she looks like at this point. As I walked through their gate, I can sense that she was excited to meet me too.

She was small framed woman with spellbinding smile that could melt the ice caps. She has curly hair and china eyes. A weekness of mine, or so it seems. As soon as we said our greetings, our eyes would not seperate. It is as if it was catching up on all the times it had missed being bounded. We talked and whispered sweet nothings to each other, we couldn't get enough. When I held her hand, I felt I could take on anyone or anything. It was as indescribable as the feeling an athlete has when he wins a game. We departed with the thought that tomorrow will be the beginning of the rest of our lives.

Throughout the length of our relationship, it had occur to me that we were never really officially "together". We were just two people sharing a common emotion for each other. One day during our long hours of talk, she explains that I cant be a part of her life as hers is already complicated. Her mother has a unique illness and she is still studying as a second year college student. I was already working. Her back problems have been getting worse and I fear she is not telling me something. As the days went on, she requested that I stop seeing her and that further contact with her would only end in tears. She would not explain, she wouldn't tell me anything. I tried to visit her at her house but she just turned me away crying her eyes out. I can tell that she was in deep sorrow, and yet, I don't understand why. Her cousing won't tell me anything either and that by knowing stuff would only complicate things for me. I told her that I was already a part of her life and that whatever complications arise we would face together. She stopped taking my calls, answering my messages and completely banished herself from me.

It was selfish love, I thought. If you love a person, you would share everything, even that tears. At the risk of making my life complicated is not good enough reason for me. Everyday during those times I've speculated. Was she dying from the same illness as her mom? Was she going away to another place where I can never see her? I don't know. "Why'd you have to be so perfect?" she asked while crying. I told her I'm not. "I just fit in to your life". I never saw her again. How can she be so selfish?

A Touch of Reality

Since I have not been able to move forward with my task of getting the "anomaly" closer within my grasp, my attention is diverted to a distant place. A place where my fantasies fade like the forgotten writings of old. It is during my unfortunate state I was able to find an honest woman who took me to a place where I do not have to dream and imagine.

Eventhough I had just spent my first date with her, I felt that I could not ask for anything more. She was sweet, understanding and as carefree as I am. I could clearly see in her eyes that I need not to pretend to be another person, but to be me and only me. She stares with such intent that I dont have to ask her what she wants or needs but rather feel more and think less. A task not so easily accomplished by one such as me who have used my intellect as a way of life, a way of figuring out things. It was a touch of reality that confused me as to how to go from here. The "anomaly" has indeed taken a hold of my emotions, there isn't a day I dont think of her. On the other hand, this new person is not as perfect as she is but is more realistic and more attainable. It is with this that draws me to this new person. She is someone I could really start a realtionship with.

I could only hope that I won't make any decisions that would be based on convenience and difficulty. The last thing I need is an empty relationship based on politeness. Through it all, it would be an awakening of sorts for me. Another lesson learned.

A Wind of Change

In light of the recent events, I have decided to change the way I will do things in the future. It has come to my attention that the recent "Anomaly" has degraded my line of thinking and the fact of the matter is, I have fallen short of my own standards.

Though I am unsure as to how to go about it, I'm going to treat it as casual as possible to avoid suspicion of any parties involved. I had become too needy, or so it seems. I'm quite sure that this behavior is as normal as it gets under these circumstances, but reason must not be sacrificed for the sake of emotional outbursts. The lessons of the past has taught me this much. A great man once said, "Love is not an excuse to lose yourself, it should be an opportunity to find one's self through the loving arms of another person." Too bad this great man lost all of his ideal beliefs and became a realist. This poet died when reality finally bit him in the ass. I would know, the great man was me. Too bad I had to kill that side of me a long time ago.

In the next few days, I'm going to make subtle changes. A small step forward may be the key to getting me closer to my goals. We'll see how it goes...

Padawan Fears: A Pit of Despair

I've fallen into a pit of despair lately and it has been a hurdle to all the tasks I'm set to accomplish. The feeling of overwhelming hatred and jealousy brings me closer to the dark side of my emotions and is becoming a hindrance in my progress with some of my relationships.

The only thing preventing me from acting out my anger is the call of reason. The suppression of this emotion however, brings me to a sulky state and I'm unable to go on with the investigation of "The Anomaly" that has been on my to do list this month. Its amazing how a small amount of jealousy can stir the thoughts of a calm mind. Love, or whatever it is you wish to call it, plays a wildcard role in every scenario possible. How do I say this? It's too damn unpredictable. To be driven by a single state of emotion is truly a wonder to behold. Then again, what makes us human makes us beautiful after all.

Memories Part 2: Forever is a Month and a Half

Many of us would ask: How long is forever? This much I found out.

I've met the woman of my dreams in the most modern setting possible: At an EB with a group of people from a TV chatroom. I was hesitant at first as I've never been to such gatherings. My friend finally convinced me to come as he would introduce me as the new member.

When I first saw her, she was a vision of simplicity. Smooth, white skin, t-shirt, a pair of jeans and rubber shoes. The way she looked that day would forever be a part of my definition of beauty. It's true that fate can take you places you would never dream possible or real. It was simple enough. Boy meets girl, they fall for each other and vowed to always stay that way for as long as they can. The office itself was a witness to our love, we shared true loves first kiss at her office cubicle. Unbeknownst to us, the security guard was also a witness. The next morning she was given a verbal warning, leaving me banned for life at her office space.

Everyday was worth living and it would seem like the sun itself is shining just for me. I finally found a reason for being, a sense of purpose in this misbegotten place we call life. I've found things inside me that I never knew existed, the caring and loving me that I shut away years ago. It is through her as well, that I've discovered the darker side of my soul, the jealous and insecure me that I never knew to be part of my personality. Love can really bring out the best and the worst in people.

During the progress of our relationship, we began to act immature and somewhat different from where we started. I was introduced to her parents as one of her suitors, not as her boyfriend, much to my dismay. I've come to the understanding that I am not really a priority for her and that a Meteor Garden episode is much more important than the long hours of phone time we used to have. The thought crossed my mind more than once that, I've become a resting place for her when she found her world too toxic and not as a source of inspiration and love. I've began to see her differently as well. To me, she became an obligation and I have to spend time with her just to keep her interested in me. She's practically a breadwinner in her family and she earns more than what I had back then. It was inevitable I guess....

The day came when I was going to introduce her to my parents, we had a pre-arranged time and date. She had to go to an outing with her officemates to Laguna, she insisted that she would make it on time and that I had nothing to worry about. When it was time for them to leave Laguna and go back to Manila, her friends thought it would be cool to have breakfast in Tagaytay first. I told her that she would not make it and that a trip to Tagaytay would mean she would get to Manila during the afternoon and not in the morning as we had planned. I told her that she can just decline and inform her friends that she has a very important place to go to. After weeks, I've finally convinced my parents to stay at the house long enough for them to meet her. I've never brought any girl to them, friend or otherwise and they were thrilled as I am. It was as I had foreseen, she was late and my parents could not wait for her as they are bound to Urdaneta that day. "Looks like your girl is a no show." said my dad jokingly. I was disappointed as much as they were. I told her over a text message that since she doesn't really take me seriously and that I'm a low priority guy for her, it would be better if we should just call it quits. I waited for her to arrive in Manila and her boss convinced me that it was my fault and that I should not demand such things with her. I took it like a man and just admitted it was my bad just to shut her up. We got over it for now.....

We tried to stay afloat for a while and patch things up even though it would seem it was not meant to be mend. Fact of the matter is, I still love her and I would not let go so easily. I tried to keep her but she said that she has lost interest and that she doesn't feel the same anymore. It was hard to swallow and I couldn't bare the fact that the woman who I thought was "the one" will suddenly be gone, banished in my life for good. I could not admit it then, but I had lost interest as well. It was my fear of failure that kept me going and it was not love after all. I tried to make amends with her and apologize for all the bad things I've said and done but it would seem that we're not on speaking terms anymore. I've lost a good friend and I've lost the woman I loved.

And so it lasted only a month and a half. The word forever will never be the same again.

Memories Part 1: A Winter Valentine

Just to give you guys a brief look at my relationship background, I'm going to write a series of stories from the past that had me who I am today.

It was in college when love showed itself for the first time. It was a rainy day at UST and I had just finished playing Starcraft to let the rain pass. She was standing alone in the rain waiting for someone, something. I curiously approached her to inquire what she was waiting for, classes were over 2 hours ago. She was my classmate...

"I'm waiting for my ride home.", she said with a smile on her face. I was trying to remember her name, hope I had the right one in mind. "Would you mind if I waited with you, snow...". There it was, 2 people seeking shelter from the rain had started talking to each other for the first time....

Time passes so quickly. Everyday I would see her waiting for her ride home, her eyes closes in fear as lightning strikes the earth. The way she laughs and smiles begins to haunt my dreams and suddenly.... I could not call it a day without talking to her.....

One day I found the courage to finally tell her how I feel. To finally let go and let fate decide. The feeling was not as mutual as I'd hoped it to be. She just wants me as a friend, nothing more. I dismissed my feelings, thinking I did not have the right to even ask. And so, 2 years passed by like a breeze from the sea....

It was the last year in school. Despite my efforts to ignore her, the constant ache in my heart would not let me rest. I've decided to show her how much I feel, the only way I knew how. I woke up 2am valentines day to get the best flowers there is as a way of saying: "I still think of you." I got 3 dozens, a dozen white, a dozen pink and a dozen red. White roses, when given to a person, means "I respect you.". I gave it to her on our first class. Pink roses would mean "I admire you.". I gave it to her on our second class. Red roses, well, I think you know already. I gave it to her on our last period. Didn't get the response I was hoping for. She even tried giving it away to some of her friends. I went home, broken, both in spirit and in my wallet. I felt cold and tired, I went to sleep...

I woke up the next day with her apologizing. I was stronger, and warmer. That was the coldest Valentine ever....

A Diplomatic Solution

This blog would be a response to the comments I've been getting not only in this blog site but with others as well.

The reason for not disclosing my feelings to whom it is concerned to is because of complications. A diplomatic solution is needed before such emotions should be made public. We must be mindful of what we say, words and emotions are forces to be reckoned with. It has the power to set free and to destroy as well. I have no doubt in my mind that she should know this but, we cannot rush into things before they are ready. It would be the same as charging into battle with a broken light saber. Brave yet reckless.

My cause will be known to her, in time....

For now, we must be patient as the farmer planting the seeds of for tomorrows harvest. For those who still doubt my sincerity with her, feel free to judge me as you will. The truth will remain even if the fool refuses to believe in it.

An Anomaly

This is my first time to write here so here goes....

During the past few moths, I have been investigating an anomaly in the force. It was around a person. During the times I was with her, I seemed to smile a lot and think less of the heavy load I carry each day. I have foreseen that I would be in danger of making a fool out of myself again by falling head over heels for her. Lets face it, I'm not exactly Brad Pitt. The repercussions of me confessing my growing fondness of her would result in a catastrophic explosion of emotions, mainly on my part. I keep telling myself to be mindful of my feelings and that a life of a Jedi must not be corrupted by sharing it with someone else....

Foolish was I to think that one day, she would fall for me as well.... Foolish to think that the heavens would bow down to the ground. Nevertheless, I could not deny myself of the fact that I really want to be with her. She may be "out of my league", but as sure as God made green apples, if there was a way she could see inside me, I'm sure she would feel overwhelmed....

For now, I cannot be someone she likes.....But I can be someone who's always around her and with her, may it be in flesh or in prayers....