Cleaning out my Closet

People have different ways of dealing with painful pasts, unforgettable occasions and glorious moments. They frame it, they hide it away or display their magnificent trophies.

In this season of perpetual hope, I thought it'd be a good time to clean my room and rid it of all unnecessary things. My room speaks volumes about it. It's chaotic and there are boxes you're not suppose to open if you don't want your innocence taken away from you.

As I set out on the almost impossible task of downsizing the volume of junk, it became a trip to memory lane instead. Pictures of old friends and stuff in high school that I'd rather forget, old comic books I failed to return, PS1 games I've spent countless hours trying to perfect, love letters I never gave out (which is a good thing), review materials for the board exam (I've never seen it until now), the small pillow Che gave me (the old c-cube sleeping days, I'm keeping this), unfinished documents on how to solve world hunger (the whole plan is dependent on having the whole of England converted into a farming land), a stack of FHM magazines (a lot of issues missing thanks to Ryan, the compulsive liar), cellphone accessories that I never got to use, Ragnarok prepaid cards, cellphone prepaid cards, ball caps I never use (my hair is sensitive), a damaged pellet gun, oil pastels, rusty dumbbells (that explains a lot), figurines you keep getting during exchange gifts (good for target practice), unused condoms (I hope I don't have a kid somewhere), a corked test tube of stolen potassium permanganate (the stain makes your skin look bruised), used up batteries (worth a fortune) and finally a number of insect eggs.

Every thing's tidy now... Yet I couldn't help but feel that I threw out a few of my memories along with it.

The Dancing Queen will Return

It sickens me that people like you get to decide the fate of so many. While the mindless sheep have forgotten what you have done, some of us will not be swayed. You betrayed the country and as Judas gave Christ a kiss, you sealed your betrayal with a dance of joy.

It sickens me that while I know I'm right, because of the public's ignorance, you might actually have a chance to grab power once again. And so you plot and scheme to get on the good side of people. I am on to you. And as powerless as I am to stop you from your plans, I will make sure that the public be reminded of your sins before they cast their vote.

MSG on my Mind

My brother celebrated his birthday today, I still can't believe we're pushing 20's when it comes to age. I feel like I've lost so much time doing absolutely nothing. The feast in front of me gives a numbing effect to whatever I was contemplating at that particular time. I guess MSG has its good points too.

Chinese food is just not the same without MSG. It feels so much like diet coke. Cheeseburger without the cheese and hotdogs without mustard. I know what you're thinking. The last example may seem a little bit weird for you. Very few people have the ability to actually like mustard.

As I'm trying to drown out the MSG with a good glass of red wine (I've been having far too many this week), I can't help but feel like a drunkard trying to find solutions at the bottom of the glass. I still have no clue as to what my next move is. Lets hope I figure it out before I consume the whole bottle.

Forced Early Retirement

There comes a time in a man's life when he lays down his sword to pursue a more enlightening path of self-evaluation and appraisal. All my life, I've always known that retirement was the number one killer of our aged population. People tend to live longer if they have a job to do. These days when I don't have a job, I tend to think that my health is getting the better of me. Perhaps I should start filling in those quiet moments with loud music.

The problem with prayer and meditation is that you start longing for the afterlife and brings out a lot of issues you have yet to deal with in this world. The future, as uncertain as it is, becomes more complicated if you start to assess your situation prematurely as if your life is on a turning point. If you're not careful, you'll fall into a helpless pit of self loathing or pity.

I must find something to work on soon, but I don't want to go back in the dark again.

A Rebel without a Cause

"I've been violated!" It's amazing what a woman's cry for help can do to a lot of people. It only goes to show that Filipinos, for the most part, are still chivalrous in nature even if most people claim that times have changed. We still cling to an old habit that he who cries first is the victim. Our sense of justice is based on the impeccable ability to convince everyone that an injustice was brought upon you with only your tears as proof.

I am an adamant believer that women should be given due respect as equals and at times, as superiors. A damsel in distress, in this country, is given the benefit of the doubt when crimes are presented to the media and general public. Times have changed. A damsel in distress may not be a victim after all.

Before you go around in public burning flags and pointing at government officials for their lack of support, I urge you to examine the evidence first. We should not be so narrow-minded to side with a woman just because she claims she has been violated and the alleged suspects happen to be Americans. Their race can be capable of monstrous acts, but so are we.

Let's be honest with ourselves. Any self-respecting woman would not join a group of rowdy men whether they're foreign or local. We all know what type of job entrails that kind of service and no one even questioned it. Of course her family will never admit it and the media wouldn't dare ask the question. A proud parent would never say, "My daughter is a whore and I'm not ashamed of it."

So please, stop waiving your sign boards. Stop your protesting as if you're protecting your country's dignity. You're making a fool of yourself for ignoring the truth. If you're still wondering why the government has not pledged their support, it's simple. They must remain impartial. That's how justice works. This country has to stop the mob mentality. You can't change things by going to the streets with a handful of rebels looking for a cause to shout out. The day we loose faith in justice is the day we loose it.

I'm William Wallace

I found myself this afternoon reading a piece of testimonial I wrote for the shark. Not exactly wall of weird material. The thing is, I don't remember writing it.

It was short enough, written in Scottish accent. You may not be familiar with it but, if you know the shark, you can visit her friendster account and just see for yourself.

Remember how Mel Gibson portrayed William Wallace, the great legend in Braveheart? The whole testimonial was written and spelled exactly how the Scots would say it.

It's amazing what the mind can perceive when its inhibitions are removed and all the voices in his head comes out in a weird writing frenzy.

Don't ever let me drink alcohol again. The mind is a very fragile thing...

Daywalker

Being a resident of a society that dwell in the light of the moon, I have become a pale reflection of the man I used to be. I've gained insight, understanding and a profound appreciation of the shadow and all of its inhabitants. In the dark, a sliver of light became a call to rest. The setting of the sun, a call to wake and ready one's self. The nocturnal way of life is a path not so easily diverted. The hold of darkness is strong.

As I see old friends who walk the daylight, they greet me as they set to earn their keep. I give them an expressionless stare. A smile devoid of warmth and sincerity. My drooping eyelids can barely stay adrift as I exchange pleasantries, scripted, as if quoting lines from an old movie. I started to envy them as they walk away with a bewildered look on their face as if saying, "what happened to him?"

Although the dark holds many indulgences of the flesh, my health suffers as I stay to partake of it's pleasures. A slow decay is not part of my grand scheme of things, now I struggle to break free.

Thoughts of a Peaceful Past

My eyes fell as fatigue took over my senses and I found myself adrift a familiar place.

I've been here before. The muffled sounds outside the glass and the faceless strangers that walk past me. The intoxicating smell of brewed beans and cinnamon I know all too well.

I'm in the mall. Starbucks, 2nd floor. For an outsider, it might seem an unusual place for man to seek refuge from bondage. For my kindred souls who have seen and endured the wounds of battle, it is not so unlikely.

I pick up a good book and sip from the elixir of life. This is how peace should be. Peace is to have the luxury of time to savor every molecule the palate can fathom. To immerse yourself with the emotion of the author's words as you picture every scene, every detail. To share every breath you take with woman you love....

Okay, so maybe there was no girl last time I was there. I'm allowed to change the scene.

I woke up confused. Why can't I have sex dreams like everybody else? Am I so deviated from the norms that even my dreams don't conform?

One of these days, I shall go back to rekindle the peace. 'Till then, I'm off to war.

Tales of a Jaded Representative

I think I've heard it all. It's not surprising that a race that wallow in superiority complex would think that they can outsmart every one else with their outrageous stories and mundane excuses. They swim in their own fluids, drunk with too much democracy and diluted with the illusion that they are entitled for everything but not for consequences and responsibilities.

I didn't receive my bill.
It's funny how they don't receive their bill but get the free coupons and discounted checks in the mail. I doubt that the postal service is selective about these things. Not to mention the fact that these things are registered. They're fortunate that we're not allowed to tell them what a big fat liar they are. With the number of calls that we receive with this problem, you would think that the postal service was still in it's pony express days. I've seen mailmen work, they're as dedicated as they come.

Why are you charging me with this?
For a super power, a whole lot of them don't really read anything. It wouldn't hurt to check the fine print before enclosing your signature. If you were dealing with the devil, a lot of these people would've lost their soul. A lot of their questions are actually answered just by reading. I guess I should be thankfull. If they woke up smarter, I would lose my job.

I'm entitled to---
They've read their rights. Hurray. They left out their responsibilities. Not surprised. Where else would you see a smoker win against a cigarette company because they didn't say smoking was bad. Where else would you see someone win against a fastfood chain because they got scalded with hot coffee saying the cup was not properly labeled or because they got too fat from eating burgers and fries. Where else would you get a lawsuit because you tried to help a dying man. They know their rights. Apparently, that's all they know.

My excuse is---
They may not be all that bright. But when it comes to excuses, they're infinitely prolific. Some are well thought out but still, some others are insulting. They will throw everything including the kitchen sink to get away with something or to get what they want.
"I threw out my bill. Technically, I never received it. Waive my fees."
"You need to talk to my mother for this?? Alright..... Hello, this is Mary." (mans voice immitating a womans)
"My dog ate my bill."--- classic kindergarten excuse
"I didn't know you have to pay the bill monthly."
"Why is there an interest with your credit card? I wasn't informed of this!"
"I tried to pay my bill (credit card), but your system won't accept my credit card (same card)." follow up question: " That's not allowed? That's stupid. Let me talk to your supervisor!"
"I sent my payment today, why are you saying you haven't received it? Don't you dare charge me a late fee!"

NOT EXCUSES BUT STILL FUNNY AS HELL:
Man: "Your TV says it's cable ready and yet I'm not getting any channels!"
Agent: "Do you have a cable subscription? Have you checked with them?"
Man: "I don't have cable subscription, I don't have to. Your TV says its cable ready!"

Man: "I've had it with your computer company! I've been trying to find this key and it's not in your $%# keyboard!"
Agent: "Which key are you looking for, sir?"
Man: "It says on my screen Press any key. Where is the any key???"

Woman calls 1-800 number for an eletric company
Woman: "Hello. You've got to help me, my neighbor's house is on fire!"
Agent: "Ma'am, you should call 911 emergency. We can't call them for you."
Woman: "I don't know their number, yours is the only one I know off hand!"

Agent has been trying to pull up account for customer...
Agent: "Sir, I do apologize but the account number you gave me is invalid."
Man: "That's $%$#$%^^&. You're not doing it right."
Agent: "When did you establish service with us?"
Man: "Long ago. I've been with ____ (different company) for many years."
Agent: "Sir, you're calling ____ (company name)."
Man: "But all you electric companies are the same, can't you pull up my account? Their lines are busy!"

Agent assisting customer with software installation...
Agent: "Ok sir, you have to insert the CD in the CD-ROM drive. It's in your CPU, the top portion that ejects a tray."
Man: ".........Oh. You mean the cup holder??"

I'll post some more when I get the time. Until then, may your calls be sane and coherent. May the good Lord guide your hand and prevent you from releasing your calls. Jaded as I may be, I still love my job. I hope you share the same fervor with your work.

Darker and Better

I picked up a new blog template for my articles. The color seems to fit the gloomy details that are enclosed in this small box of thoughts.

In any case, I've failed to keep my unorganized thoughts from smearing the pages of this blog for quite sometime. I pray for better fortunes in the future.

To the Only Woman I'll Never stop Loving

She never really understood me. She only sees her side. She thinks it's all about her.

We fight a lot. We couldn't be in the same room at one point.

I tried so hard to please her all my life, I forgot how to do things for myself. Tried to live her dream and forgot my own.

every time I'd get frustrated, I'd blame it on the times she wasn't there for me. Blamed it on her when she was too clingy.

She used to do a lot of things for me. Now she acts like she doesn't care anymore.

I realized one day no one could love me more than she could.

She didn't understood me because I never found the time to talk to her.

We fight because she gets frustrated and she expects more from me.

I didn't know. Her dream was for me. She didn't want me to live with the same regret she had. She was thinking of my happiness.

When I blamed her, it was like driving a dagger through her heart. I hurt her badly and without a just cause.

She stopped doting me because I failed to return the favor.

Yet despite my selfishness, she continued to show her affection. She stood by my side when I was at my weakest. She was there when I bled and she wept as if the pain was hers.

The women that broke my heart, I treated like a goddesses. I treated her with neglect when all she did was love me right from the start.

I have mended my ways. I will never look at yesterday with regret again. You will always be the only woman I'll never stop loving. And despite what I've done in the past, you've never looked at me different. I'm still your baby. In your eyes, I never really grew up. I understand that now. I love you mom. Happy mothers day!

A Future Worth Looking At

As I embark on yet another mission, I hear the clamoring of the voices in my head. Though my objectives are as clear as they have been since I've taken up the sword to fight the wailing foreign voices, my perception of things to come has always been clouded and unsure. As I go deeper and immersed in battle, I cannot stop but think that the blood I spill today may not necessarily be the fuel that will light the way for the future. When the dust has settled and the shroud has been lifted, will I see a future worth bleeding for?

By the time I retire my lightsaber, will I be too scared to walk a path that is tranquil and peaceful? Will I crave for the spoils of war when peace brings only what I need? Will I yearn for the company of old comrades and the refreshing taste of beer after a good hunt when it is replaced by the comforting presence of the one I love?

With a doubtful heart I gear up for another challenge. Hoping that as I strike my sword and lay waste to my enemies, it would be the last. If it is true that people tend to live longer because they have a job to fulfill, I hope I don't live long. I shall not wait for that fateful day but it will resound in my heart as a quiet prayer. Clouded, the future may be, I shall rely on my faith to keep me steadfast and true to myself.

A not so Holy Week

The sun's blessing pierced through my room curtains as I open my eyes with the same glazed expression the night before. It had been days since my resignation from yet another company, and I haven't had any alternate schemes to finance my ever growing army of needs. The calendar says it's Maundy Thursday. Lent has started and my plans for spiritual growth has not been mapped out clearly. Time management has never been one of my defining attributes. Nevertheless, the Holy week shall not pass with me doing nothing... Or so I thought.

Fasting. In the past, I have been successful in this endeavor. This year, however, my older brother has acquired sufficient cooking abilities to actually prepare a meal for me and my siblings. In the past, we would have stared at each other and see who gives in first. I was able to fast only for a day and a half. I gave in to the barbecued pork. If I was tempted in the desert, Satan would have owned my soul right about now.

Tribute to the Ten Commandments. Every year, we watch Cecile B. De Mille's Ten Commandments. It's something we've been doing since the days of the Betamax. Ah, I sense the young ones are giving me the puzzled look. You might want to ask your daddy or grandpa on this. Although the movie is really old, it's still better than any locally produced film.

Prayer. I planned a whole day of prayer but, as it turned out, they were showing a rerun of the old shaider series. I couldn't pass up the chance to see one of my first crushes. If you grew up as a boy in the 80's, you would know Annie, shaider's cute helper. God bless her every time she would jump high places. That was the closest I got to a prayer.

Easter. I greeted my friends and offered a silent prayer for their safety and prosperity. I went out to meet my barkada from high school. As expected, none of them showed up except for one. We played Yuri's Revenge for a couple of hours and thereafter, I went home exhausted. Not the least bit productive and yet, not a second wasted.

This only goes to show that being evil is so much easier, hence the appeal of the sith lords and the dark side. Now that I'm stripped of cash, I can do nothing else but contemplate on these things and accomplish what I've failed to do this Lent season. The Israelites went in circles for 40 years in the desert so that God can reveal his purpose. Perhaps, this is the same path. Uh-oh, spongebob is on, 40 years in the desert it is.

With much Appreciation

This month has been a myriad of surprises with the occasional sentimental moments I never fail to cherish. I figured that instead of bitching about my misfortunes, I should start a good habit of listing the things I should be thankful for.

My girlfriend Vyell. Despite our lack of physical contact and her not being able to text back (for almost a week now) for reasons I have yet to discern, she makes me believe I can be who I am and still be loved.

McDonald's Spaghetti. It never fails to hit the spot when you're craving for pasta and mom isn't around to cook you one.

My Mom. Despite my constant lingering around the house, she always misses me and greets me like we've haven't seen in weeks.

My Dad. Even as I declared my independence, he never fails to spot me some cash whenever my wallet eats up my hard earned cash.

My friends at the office. They endure despite my radical behavior (or maybe they're just stuck with me) and keeps me company no matter how short my break is and the travel time I spend with them.

Anne's ball pen. I thought I didn't need one until she gave me this cute light blue cased ball point pen. Not a call goes by without me using it, despite our "paper less environment" policy at work. Feh. I'll get rid of the paper when your system becomes effective. Or until you issue a file note.... Whichever comes first. To Anne: I remember you with each E-tkt I write down.

The seasoned agents, SD's and supervisors. They help me out in times of crisis. With this, I make sure that every question I escalate through them is a challenging one. A shout out to Ms. Lark who challenged me in betting everything I had for one "revalidate" question. Never has my life been summed up that way before. It placed everything into perspective.

With each new day, I face an enemy thousands of miles away. The only way I could defeat them is to satisfy they're lust for retribution and for the pursuit of senseless, petty temporal indulgence of their pointless and short-lived existence. The Accretians were right about one thing. Flesh is indeed weak. It craves too much for the things on this earth.

I thought this was going to be an appreciation for the things that make life easy. It turns out, the depressed/oppressed writer in me can never let it go. Just the way I like it.

A Vampire was Born

As I sat in the stairways of an isolated haven of night dwellers, the cold breeze from the open doors aroused my memories and stirred my thoughts. Decrepit paintings of a dream, a proverbial nightmare perhaps? No. It was a life I had once lived under the radiance of the cheerful sun.

A young man filled with a passion for exploring new places. A man with a humble wage and a loving woman. His love for her was without equal and his pride was never sovereign when measured against her happiness.

The young man knew, he would need to seek a fortune to build a dream worthy of his love for her. He sought out a task he would be well compensated for. In his search for such treasures, he had lost the emotional capacity to sustain his love for her....

He lost her one rainy day with a goodbye over the phone....

He moved on with his life as if nothing happened. Numb from the pain, he continued on his quest for financial gain. Until one fateful day, the darkness called out to him promising him of his dream and the unfeeling embrace of the night to save him from the senseless lamentations of a lost life. He accepted the offer...

He was a prisoner of a life he could not have and each day was a testament that hardened his heart. Like the pharaoh of Egypt, he was witnessing the hand of God but grew more unbelieving and unconvinced...

Fate, it would seem, if not with a sense of irony that as he hid in the darkness, the light has found him. It reminded him of the good things he had forgotten and the man that he once was. The love of a woman brought her back to the light. He was no longer living in the dark, yet he chose to stay there. His servitude under the reign of darkness has a purpose once again...

The cold breeze has passed and with it the memories as well. The rushing throng of modern day vampires welcome me to the gates once again. It is time to work...

I shall miss you. Hope to hear from you in the morning. Love you! Message sent....

My Funny Valentine

The waves, I remember them from my youth. It rushes quickly to greet the shores and retreats to the ocean just as quickly as it appeared. It doesn't wait for your contemplation, your remorse, your desires nor does it care for the passage of time. It takes away those who are careless enough to get caught in its tide and it brings to shore those who have drifted away. My life has been a series of waves, each new surge washes away the previous and I'm left with nothing.

I outgrew my temperate youth and saw the waves again. She is no longer the cruel mistress, a bandit of time. She has become my inevitable end, the whisperer of my fate. The things she has taken from me, I no longer require. The treasures she washed up on my shores, I keep close to my heart.

It has been a bad habit of mine to complain about my unfortunate state during the month of hearts. This month is different from the rest although I had spent it exactly the same from the previous years. I have been blessed. No matter how fast the waves come and go, it's the riches the waves leave behind that I look forward to the most.

My dear, you have been an inspiration to me. I love you. Thanks for everything.

The Love Month Cometh!

Like a snatcher from the streets of Quiapo, it crept up from behind once again. The dreaded day of hearts draw near like an overwhelming army of orcs rushing to crush the gates of sanity. I do not wish to to ride this storm like the rest of the feeble minded human race yet, I feel compelled to act on it. Despite my rational meanderings and pedagogic reasoning, it feels utterly unjustified if I do not exert any effort to show I care. Valentine's day is the epitome of the love's commercialism.

Diamonds are forever. Chocolates for my sweet. Flowers for my love. Has the human race become so materialistic that they need earthly things to manifest their emotions? Can love be summed up in one day and forever be the measure of a man's resolve to win the affections of his loved one? How can we stoop to the level of animals who determine their mate by a single dance of seduction? Pitiful, if not pathetic. Try explaining that to an envious woman who didn't get her gift on February 14. Hell hath no fury... Makes judgment day look like a birthday party at McDonald's. Some things cannot be rationalized, explained and sometimes conveyed properly when it comes to the matters of the heart. Be that as it may, I still feel stupid about the whole thing.

I do hope that I won't have to explain all this to the flower lady at Dangwa. I don't think she would appreciate it very much. I'm too old to fight this sort of thing, all I can do is complain about it. Ultimately, like a huge boulder on the beach, the strong and constant crashing of the waves will eventually turn the hardest of rocks into small and minute sand particles being washed up on the beach. Broken, defeated and virtually indistinguishable from the rest, that's where it all ends. I will promise you though, the tossing, turning and whirlwind of emotions will forever be a distinguished and unforgettable chapter if ever they write a story about you and your one true love. To those who have found their better half, I raise my glass in appreciation of your journey. To those who have not, I envy you completely for the exciting times ahead. This year, let us celebrate love and not Valentine's day. It would be nice if we could do away with the presents too....

Just an Ordinary Day

I woke up with the same glazed expression as I stare down at my cellphone checking the time. It's going to be an ordinary day. I stood up and outlined my thoughts for a smoother flow of action. I could do this in my sleep, it's the same as yesterday. Or so I thought.

In the middle of my shower, I ran out of shampoo. Ironically, I don't need a lot since I got my aerodynamic hairdo this month. Still, the plastic container failed to even yield a pinch amount. Crap. I said to myself.

I got out of the house at my usual time, I even had the luxury of watching a noon time show before I went out. Halfway down the road to my first pit stop, I realized I didn't bring an umbrella. Experience has taught me that every time I bring an umbrella, God finds it funny that it should be sunny all day. And when I don't, He sees it fit that I should be showered with the rain's blessing. It's too far to go back. Crap. I said to myself again.

I got to the LRT on time and I was going over my expenses. Having paid the bill and payday 10 days from now, everything is in order. As my stored value pass card went through the fare machine, it read a measly P10.00. It won't last another day and I have to buy another. From then on, I was P100.00 short of my budget. Crap. Its the third time today.

As I went down the LRT, I saw the elderly woman who regularly comes there to beg for some loose change. I gave her a few like I always do and felt good about myself. Bait mo, tsong! When I was boarding the bus, I realized I had given away the only loose change I had. Don't say crap. I said to myself. I was saved, there was a P20.00 stuck at the bottom of my wallet. You see, I told you, it'd work out well. A bus worker on strike asked for donations. Absentmindedly, I gave him my change. Crap. I had to see the annoyed look on the bus conductor's face as I handed him a P500.00 bill.

I finally got at the office and got my usual cup of brew from the vending machine. This would calm me down. I realized I haven't reviewed for the proficiency test yet. While my thoughts were dwelling on it... Natatapon and kape mo! Ryan's voice broke me out of my trance. The coffee spill missed my pants but landed on my shoe...the part where my skin was exposed. Crap. Its official, I'm having a bad day.

Proficiency exam. I was first to finish despite Kathy's claim that she finished first. I felt confident and sure of my answers. Someone whispered that we booked the flight in the wrong class. Minor set back. I was collected and confident. After the results went out, my flight was perfectly booked. My answers to the cheap questions were 50% wrong. Crap. There goes my ego.

The day is done, I'm on my way home. I stopped by a small kitchenette to buy siopao like I always do. After I got home, my order of 2 asado siopaos had a turn out of 1 bola-bola and 1 almost empty siopao.... Crap. I checked at the bottom of the plastic bag. No sauce. Double crap.

Just when you think your day is becoming too routine, it turns out to be one heck of an exciting day.

"Life is like a box of chocolates, pag iniwan mo sa ref... kahon ang matitira sa 'yo".-- Words of Wisdom from my Dad.

A New Life from the Scraps of Yesterday

Has it been that long since I've seen a smile on my face? I gave the stranger in the mirror a bewildered look as if trying to discern his thoughts and his motives. Was yesterday that long that I can't recall anything? Did my life lose its meaning up until now?

In my search for answers, I only found more questions. In my search for truth, I found lies. In the pursuit of happiness, I've felt nothing but pain. In my attempt to gain riches of this earth, I have reaped thorns and thistles. Thinking God has played a cruel joke on me, I tried to fight it. I clawed and gnawed to get the things I thought I was suppose to have and at the end found no absolution. Planning and scheming only to see what you have built crumble like a sand castle in the wind burning your eyes as it falls apart. How far have I to go? To what purpose and direction does my journey bring me?

I gave up. I surrendered. I swallowed my pride and raised my hands in defeat. I knelt in disgrace for the knowledge I have gained has brought me to my end, my experience became my undoing. I have brought shame to those who have taught me, laid waste to their expectations. And finally, like a dying man, I looked at the footprints of my life and saw just how far I've come. I must've been lost, footprints are everywhere. To my horror, it was not all mine. In my self-pity I've neglected the people who walked with me, shared my fate, my laughter, my aspirations. They were my friends. In my selfish walk of life I never noticed they were there all along. Some of them took a different path, some are still behind me... Some others I have left for dead on the side of the road without a hint of regret or remembrance. I cried for the ones I've lost and embraced those still behind me. With renewed strength, I will push forward.

The road ahead looks much foggy and uncertain. This time though, I know I'll never walk alone. I take each step and greet the face walking beside me as I go from here to the unknown. My prayers are no longer of myself but for the souls who call me by name and shake my hand in respect. It was then that I heard the voice of God after a long time. I kneel now, not in defeat but in fervent prayer. My knowledge and experiences are no longer my own as I share it to those who care to listen. I no longer look to the expectations of others, I do not feel the need to impress them any longer. And finally when I lay down, it is no longer to wait for hand of death but to rest so I could greet the next day with a smile.

I stared at the stranger in the mirror, the one with the odd smile. He shall be a stranger no more, I'll make sure of that.