My Calm Surrender

I wake a few hours after midnight with a heightened sense of fatigue. A long phonecall cut my sleeping time short. I've resigned to the fact that people will only see me as convenient shoulder to cry on and nothing more. When the phonecalls stop, my name is lost in the deep bowels of their phone book.

I brush my teeth trying not to look at the guy in front of the mirror. I'm starting to loathe him for what he has become. I've resigned to the fact that I may not smile today despite my rigorous brushing. Apart from an obligatory happy face that I wear in the office, I see no reason for me to give it essence or substance. A hallow smile should be good enough for show.

I take a bath with my head tilted down. The flowing water reminds me of all the wasted tears I shouldn't have shed. An offering of tears mean nothing more than an inexpensive show of weakness when given to a person who doesn't really give a damn. I've resigned to the fact that my weakness for such people only reflect my flaws tenfold and that my inability to ascertain their real value means my ideals have degraded a great deal.

I dress up grabbing whatever shirt was on top. I've resigned to the fact that no matter how good I think I look, it's never going to be enough to turn heads or leave an impression that exceeds 5 seconds. Looking good has never been my priority and I thought that superficial tangibles are for shallow people. Apparently, it will always be a factor despite women's claim that it doesn't matter to them.

I arrive early at work. A deep sigh always finds its way after I slump lazily to the wall facing the office entrance. I'm always an hour early to avoid rushing things. I've resigned to the fact that my vigilance may not be appreciated or needed at this point. Lyrics to a song holds true that "I'm not always there when you call, but I'm always on time".

I work my butt off. I try to focus on getting the job done early as there is always extra work popping up. People will always depend on you despite the fact that they already know what needs to be done. I've resigned to the fact that despite my importance in the greater scheme of things, they will never promote me because I've become too good at what I do. People below me will move up and it breaks my heart when they come to me for help when they're suppose to be better than me.

I go home and start over. I try to rest and muster the strength to do things all over again when the morning comes. At this time, phone calls come in from people who need me to fix their problems. I've resigned to the fact that no matter how many hours of sleep I lose, people will assume that I have nothing to do tomorrow and that it's okay to keep me on the line. They won't take my advice regardless of how good and logical it is. They've already decided on a course of action which I know will lead them to more pain. It's a vicious cycle and I'm part of it. Though I never get anything out of it, they include me nonetheless.

I'm stuck in a loop. Without you, I find the days all the same. It's better than being with you and go on hurting but it all seems mundane if you're not around. I hope something happens soon. This standstill is making me jittery. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

The Things I never Got to Say

I know you're taken, I've heard you the first time. I try to look away but my senses can't get enough of you. I tried to be casual about it but everything's in overdrive when you're near or when I feel your presence. I'm not making any sense and I'm not sure if your actions warrant such an attention. An intangible part of me yearns for you. Yearns to be with you.

I know I'm wasting my time when I can be with someone who actually wants to be with me but my sense of logic is overwhelmed because I've fallen. You do know how it feels to fall, do you? Gravity pulls you to the ground and you have no control over the situation. The only thing you can do is hope that someone catches you or you die a horrific death.

I know you'll never see that you deserve something more. Something more than a mediocre feeling of familiarity and a sense of fear for change. I've seen the way he looks at you. He stares as if he's wondering why he's even there. I've seen the same look in people attending weddings where they don't know anyone. I kept thinking how he could ignore you when you're together when I can't take my eyes off you. You defend him when he's being selfish and you tell me that you're used to it. Like a slave who has become numb from the taskmaster's whip, you don't even flinch at the pain. I bleed because you ignore it completely.

I know I'm not good at hiding my disappoint for you. Forgive me. This is the only way i know how. The only way not to love you is to hate you. Hate you for ignoring me during the times I felt I needed your warmth. Hate you for casually putting me aside when I've raised you at the pedestal. Hate the way you cancel on me when all I did the whole time was wait on you. It's my fault. I shouldn't expect anything anyway.

I'm exhausted. Waiting for you when you're not coming is exhausting. Showing you that you can have more is exhausting. Treating you like a Goddess when you treat me like crap is exhausting. But trying to hate you.... is the most exhausting thing I've done so far. So please understand when I pull away and just disappear.

I'm sorry I loved you.

Damaged Goods

I'm damaged. I constantly talk to myself to drown out all the other voices that keep reminding me how my life should go and what I should do.

I'm damaged. I've given my heart to so many, there's barely enough to keep me going. Whoever said to have loved and lost is better than not to love at all was full of crap. I've got nothing to show for it except scars and a jaded outlook of love.

I'm damaged. I'm working so I could support my medical needs and scavenge what's left of my social life. If I saw this coming, I would've gone Ghandi and starve my ass to death.

I'm damaged. I constantly pray to God that He reveal my purpose on this earth so I could finish it and go back to heaven. The silence is louder than the voices in my head. I would've been more comfortable if He said I were to lead a flock of idiots and drown them in the red sea.

I'm damaged. I keep falling for women who are emotionally unavailable. They're too scared to move on despite the fact that they're generally ignored and treated like an ornament or a trophy. Complacency should be a sin.

I'm damaged. I give out good advices to other people yet I don't have answers to my own problems. The whole "wounded healer" role doesn't really help me at all. Every time I console someone, they take a piece of me. Their tears have left me dilapidated like a used tissue paper. I feel like I've carried their burden and my soul mourns for their pain. When they've moved on, I'm left bearing their chains.

I'm damaged. I've stopped celebrating my birthdays because nothing good ever happens. Every time I ask someone special to go with me, I always get stood up or canceled. It's not that I didn't expect it, I just hate the fact that I keep on hoping that it'll be different this time. Maybe I was meant to be alone. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe people just don't give a shit.

I'm damaged. I feel great envy when I look at babies. They've got no worries and they suck up all the love from the people around them. They sleep so soundly because they know they're loved. I'd give anything to feel their bliss.

I'm irreparably damaged. I feel pity for myself but I'm too proud to cry, too stubborn to change and too tired to care. I'm always gonna be picked last, sometimes I don't get picked at all and most of the times I'm not even on the list. Good guys finish last, huh? If that's the way it is, I'm not gonna run at all. Just tell me when its over so I can shake hands with the asshole that finished first. You probably picked that asshole. He's probably your boyfriend. I wouldn't be surprised.

Malaya ba Talaga Ako?

Independence day ngayon kaya naisipan kong ilathala ang storyang ito sa Tagalog. Ang kalayaan natin bilang isang bansa ay pinagbayaran ng pawis at dugo ng mga ninuno natin. Pag nakita nila tayo ngayon, masasabi kaya nila na sulit ang kanilang ibinuwis kapalit ng kanilang buhay? Naging malaya ba talaga tayo?

Buwis (tax). Buwan-buwan tayong nagbabayad nito pero kung saan ito ginagamit at kung kanino napupunta ay hindi sinasabi sa atin. Sa tuwing makakakita ka ng lubak sa daan, sirang pampublikong pasilidad, nabubulok na gusali at sangkatutak na red tape sa mga ahensya ng gobyerno, iisipin mo kung kulang pa ba ang binibigay mo para mapaayos ang bansa. Tuwing makakakita ka ng kongresistang sakay ng magarang kotse, opisyal na nasa Las Vegas tuwing laban ni Pacquiao, sign board na may mukha ng pulitiko, iisipin mo kung kaninong sweldo ang nagpondo sa mga yun.

Utang (debt). Di ka pa pinapanganak, sangkaterba na ang utang mo. Di ka na maka-ahon sa hirap ng buhay at ang perang nakukuha mo ay pambayad na lang sa utang ng nakaraan. Buong buhay mo, pilit mo itong binubura pero parang pati si Superman kalaban mo. Bigyan ka man ng gobyerno ngayon ng limang daang piso dahil nagtipid ka sa kuryente, hanggang saan ka dadalhin nuon? Tuwing lilingon ka, tumataas ang presyo ng mga bilihin, pamasahe pero ang sweldo mo nung 1980 pa ang halaga. Tatagal ka pa kaya?

Hustisya (justice). Parang lata na ng sardinas ang mga piitan at kulungan natin pero mga small time pa rin ang mga nakakulong. Malayang gumagala ang mga mandarambong, mamamatay tao at haragan ng lipunan. Pwede kang makulong pero ang mga mayayaman ay merong rest house sa Tanay na pwedeng tirahan. Kahit ilang beses mo silang ihabla at iharap sa korte ay biglang dadami ang mga sakit nila para 'di sumipot. Abo na ang bangkay ng pinanghihingan mo ng hustisya pero nakatengga lang sa courthouse ang kaso mo. Sisigaw ka ng rape para mapagtakpan mo ang kahihiyan mo dahil alam mong ang bayan natin ay mababaw ang luha para sa mga iyakin. Maraming sisigaw para sa iyo, tama kaya ang mga prinsipyo nila?

Pag Ibig (love). Pwede mong mahalin ang kahit sino pero dapat may itsura sya at may pera. 'Di na baleng matagal na kayong may pagtingin sa isa't-isa dahil kung hindi ka nya kayang buhayin ay wala rin syang silbi. Kelangan magustuhan din sya ng mga magulang, kaibigan, kapit bahay at katrabaho dahil importante ang imahe para sa 'yo. Pwede kang tumanggap ng regalo kahit na kailanmay 'di mo susuklian ng pansin. Magkaka-anak kayo ng pinili mong tropeong asawa pero 'di ka na nya susuyuin tulad ng dati. Makikita mo na lang syang may kasamang iba o amoy babae pag uwi. Tama kaya ang pinili mo?

Malaya ka na nga. Nakakapagreklamo ka na eh. Anong ginagawa mo sa kalayaang yan? Ipapahawak mo ba sa iba? Gagamitin mo para pumili ng mali? Sa paggamit mo nito, naaapakan mo ba ang kalayaan ng iba? Malaya ka ba talaga?

Farewell

Three years have passed and yet it seemed shorter than a week. Months of trying to reach you in vain, waiting on the other end of the line, praying to hear your voice. I have failed. Months sending you mail and messages in all forms, waiting for a short greeting or a sign that you've received my letters. I have failed. One day to travel miles just to see you and talk to you. I have failed.

In my endeavors to find you, I have found only disappointment and a stinging loneliness that even the deafening laughter of friends around me cannot dowse. In my efforts to cling to my eroding feelings for you, I have bled myself dry. Do I mean so little to you? Am I not worth a minute of your time? You're busy, I know. I am too. I see all these pictures of you in all the fun places doing all the fun things and all I can think about is that you didn't even think of me for a second. Am I selfish to think that? Do I ask so much?

No. I'm tired of trying to defend you and your actions. I deserve better than being ignored. When I sought out to find you and end it all, I asked God if I was doing the right thing. I got my answer. God guided me to the one place I would find you and I didn't even make a wrong turn anywhere. I stood on your doorstep and knocked. I got no response and I walked away. I didn't need an answer. Maybe I got used to the blank response I always got from you. I owed myself that trip. The part of me that loves you. Now I know how much effort you'll put on my account. Now I know how I rank in the scheme of things. Now I know what part I play in your life. It's the same amount as the response I got when I knocked on your door.

When I woke up the next morning, I was still lonely. But now, I don't have to be tied up or held back. I no longer set any limits for myself. Now, I can live without carrying the burden of a one sided relationship. I thank you for teaching me a lesson I will not soon forget. I thank you for what love you've shown me. Now I must say farewell.