Bleeding Existence

Over the week I was unable to work as my kidney problems set in and it has proven almost impossible to concentrate because of the pain. I set out to heal myself and ask God for the guidance I need to overcome the emotional and psychological repercussions of this event. As most guys don't think about a certain event in their life with much depth, I on the other hand, had made it a habit to always see things in different perspectives and points of view. A jedi trait lost to the general public.

As I am emotionally driven, my feelings are at the core of what I do. If I'm down, so is everything else. The recent illness I had dealt more damage to my mood than it did to my physiology. During the ordeal, I couldn't help but think that I was almost in my death bed with my blood pressure almost reaching an unstable level and there was no one around me and that no one even tried to contact me to even check if I were alive at the time. I almost died alone. Oh tragedy of tragedies. Can't say it never happened before though.

It is times like these when a bachelor such as myself feel the impact of being alone. Can't help but compare my life to some of my friends. Their special someone would not leave their side even if its just the flu. Corny, and yet it is something I've been missing all along.

Regrets set in as I lay down on my bed. I've always believed that love is not love until you give it away to someone. I almost died without having to tell her how I feel. And yet as tomorrow comes and I see her again, I would not have the courage to. The thought of her having to say "Scram!!" at my face is just too unbearable. Her thoughts betray her as I feel she already knows. She acts otherwise and refer to me as a third party with no name. Cute. Who knows, maybe I'm just paranoid. And so I must continue on to this road that the good Lord has set upon me. To continue a bleeding existence that will someday claim my life. Or not.