Just Another Face in the Crowd

Love is truly a wonder to behold. It can inspire you and be a reason for your bitter end as well. It has come to my attention that some people are more resilient to emotional distress than others. To some, a lost love could be a life-changing event and would completely change the way they feel and think. Still for others, it's just part of life that you would have to go through. And to the few selected ones, just another excuse to get laid.

For those who know it as well as I do, after everything else has faded and the love that was is nothing more than a scar, we find it hard to go back to the way it was with the person you used to be with. After everything has been said and done, the moments shared will never go back to the friendship state that existed before the relationship. Atleast not after a while. Some take years to rebuild, mostly because they haven't seen each other in years as most scenarios suggest. The most common outcome of a relationship that didn't work out is a bitter and cold silent treatment.

Its amazing how one person could mean the world to you one day and would amount to nothing the next. Yet another mystery left uncheck by the Jedi council. Brings to mind this one time I was strolling at the mall and saw a familiar face. We came face to face but could not say anything to each other or know what to do. We just crossed paths and moved on. She disappeared among the crowd as I looked back. Then, there it was, I just realized that she and I became estranged to each other. We became just another face in the crowd that is unrecognizable from the rest.

Memories Part 3: Selfish Love

It was just another regular day for me, a time to rise from the ashes and learn from the lessons of the past. Who would know that in the not so distant future, fate will yet again stir the cauldron of emotiion.

A simple day of meeting new people has weilded another friend. This one was no different from the ones I've met before, a faceless companion connected only by means of modern contraptions. It was everyday that I got to a seemingly innocent conversation with her. I made it a point to make my life an open book to her so she would see the real person inside. It came to a point that we made phone calls to each other just to get more talk time. What started out as
pure friendship blossomed into a deeper level of human interest. We were falling for each other. What makes it different is that we have never met, physically. As much as we tried to contain it and leave it until we see each other, our emotions got the best of us. I suddenly found myself listening to her confess her feelings and I could not deny I had none for her.

And so it came to pass that we should finally see each other. I set out to look for her and attend her cousin's small birthday celebration. Small because it would only be me and a friend. As I set out on my mission to finally see her, I felt an unusual calmness. Unusual being that eventhough I have not met her in person yet, I could care less what she looks like at this point. As I walked through their gate, I can sense that she was excited to meet me too.

She was small framed woman with spellbinding smile that could melt the ice caps. She has curly hair and china eyes. A weekness of mine, or so it seems. As soon as we said our greetings, our eyes would not seperate. It is as if it was catching up on all the times it had missed being bounded. We talked and whispered sweet nothings to each other, we couldn't get enough. When I held her hand, I felt I could take on anyone or anything. It was as indescribable as the feeling an athlete has when he wins a game. We departed with the thought that tomorrow will be the beginning of the rest of our lives.

Throughout the length of our relationship, it had occur to me that we were never really officially "together". We were just two people sharing a common emotion for each other. One day during our long hours of talk, she explains that I cant be a part of her life as hers is already complicated. Her mother has a unique illness and she is still studying as a second year college student. I was already working. Her back problems have been getting worse and I fear she is not telling me something. As the days went on, she requested that I stop seeing her and that further contact with her would only end in tears. She would not explain, she wouldn't tell me anything. I tried to visit her at her house but she just turned me away crying her eyes out. I can tell that she was in deep sorrow, and yet, I don't understand why. Her cousing won't tell me anything either and that by knowing stuff would only complicate things for me. I told her that I was already a part of her life and that whatever complications arise we would face together. She stopped taking my calls, answering my messages and completely banished herself from me.

It was selfish love, I thought. If you love a person, you would share everything, even that tears. At the risk of making my life complicated is not good enough reason for me. Everyday during those times I've speculated. Was she dying from the same illness as her mom? Was she going away to another place where I can never see her? I don't know. "Why'd you have to be so perfect?" she asked while crying. I told her I'm not. "I just fit in to your life". I never saw her again. How can she be so selfish?

A Touch of Reality

Since I have not been able to move forward with my task of getting the "anomaly" closer within my grasp, my attention is diverted to a distant place. A place where my fantasies fade like the forgotten writings of old. It is during my unfortunate state I was able to find an honest woman who took me to a place where I do not have to dream and imagine.

Eventhough I had just spent my first date with her, I felt that I could not ask for anything more. She was sweet, understanding and as carefree as I am. I could clearly see in her eyes that I need not to pretend to be another person, but to be me and only me. She stares with such intent that I dont have to ask her what she wants or needs but rather feel more and think less. A task not so easily accomplished by one such as me who have used my intellect as a way of life, a way of figuring out things. It was a touch of reality that confused me as to how to go from here. The "anomaly" has indeed taken a hold of my emotions, there isn't a day I dont think of her. On the other hand, this new person is not as perfect as she is but is more realistic and more attainable. It is with this that draws me to this new person. She is someone I could really start a realtionship with.

I could only hope that I won't make any decisions that would be based on convenience and difficulty. The last thing I need is an empty relationship based on politeness. Through it all, it would be an awakening of sorts for me. Another lesson learned.

A Wind of Change

In light of the recent events, I have decided to change the way I will do things in the future. It has come to my attention that the recent "Anomaly" has degraded my line of thinking and the fact of the matter is, I have fallen short of my own standards.

Though I am unsure as to how to go about it, I'm going to treat it as casual as possible to avoid suspicion of any parties involved. I had become too needy, or so it seems. I'm quite sure that this behavior is as normal as it gets under these circumstances, but reason must not be sacrificed for the sake of emotional outbursts. The lessons of the past has taught me this much. A great man once said, "Love is not an excuse to lose yourself, it should be an opportunity to find one's self through the loving arms of another person." Too bad this great man lost all of his ideal beliefs and became a realist. This poet died when reality finally bit him in the ass. I would know, the great man was me. Too bad I had to kill that side of me a long time ago.

In the next few days, I'm going to make subtle changes. A small step forward may be the key to getting me closer to my goals. We'll see how it goes...

Padawan Fears: A Pit of Despair

I've fallen into a pit of despair lately and it has been a hurdle to all the tasks I'm set to accomplish. The feeling of overwhelming hatred and jealousy brings me closer to the dark side of my emotions and is becoming a hindrance in my progress with some of my relationships.

The only thing preventing me from acting out my anger is the call of reason. The suppression of this emotion however, brings me to a sulky state and I'm unable to go on with the investigation of "The Anomaly" that has been on my to do list this month. Its amazing how a small amount of jealousy can stir the thoughts of a calm mind. Love, or whatever it is you wish to call it, plays a wildcard role in every scenario possible. How do I say this? It's too damn unpredictable. To be driven by a single state of emotion is truly a wonder to behold. Then again, what makes us human makes us beautiful after all.

Memories Part 2: Forever is a Month and a Half

Many of us would ask: How long is forever? This much I found out.

I've met the woman of my dreams in the most modern setting possible: At an EB with a group of people from a TV chatroom. I was hesitant at first as I've never been to such gatherings. My friend finally convinced me to come as he would introduce me as the new member.

When I first saw her, she was a vision of simplicity. Smooth, white skin, t-shirt, a pair of jeans and rubber shoes. The way she looked that day would forever be a part of my definition of beauty. It's true that fate can take you places you would never dream possible or real. It was simple enough. Boy meets girl, they fall for each other and vowed to always stay that way for as long as they can. The office itself was a witness to our love, we shared true loves first kiss at her office cubicle. Unbeknownst to us, the security guard was also a witness. The next morning she was given a verbal warning, leaving me banned for life at her office space.

Everyday was worth living and it would seem like the sun itself is shining just for me. I finally found a reason for being, a sense of purpose in this misbegotten place we call life. I've found things inside me that I never knew existed, the caring and loving me that I shut away years ago. It is through her as well, that I've discovered the darker side of my soul, the jealous and insecure me that I never knew to be part of my personality. Love can really bring out the best and the worst in people.

During the progress of our relationship, we began to act immature and somewhat different from where we started. I was introduced to her parents as one of her suitors, not as her boyfriend, much to my dismay. I've come to the understanding that I am not really a priority for her and that a Meteor Garden episode is much more important than the long hours of phone time we used to have. The thought crossed my mind more than once that, I've become a resting place for her when she found her world too toxic and not as a source of inspiration and love. I've began to see her differently as well. To me, she became an obligation and I have to spend time with her just to keep her interested in me. She's practically a breadwinner in her family and she earns more than what I had back then. It was inevitable I guess....

The day came when I was going to introduce her to my parents, we had a pre-arranged time and date. She had to go to an outing with her officemates to Laguna, she insisted that she would make it on time and that I had nothing to worry about. When it was time for them to leave Laguna and go back to Manila, her friends thought it would be cool to have breakfast in Tagaytay first. I told her that she would not make it and that a trip to Tagaytay would mean she would get to Manila during the afternoon and not in the morning as we had planned. I told her that she can just decline and inform her friends that she has a very important place to go to. After weeks, I've finally convinced my parents to stay at the house long enough for them to meet her. I've never brought any girl to them, friend or otherwise and they were thrilled as I am. It was as I had foreseen, she was late and my parents could not wait for her as they are bound to Urdaneta that day. "Looks like your girl is a no show." said my dad jokingly. I was disappointed as much as they were. I told her over a text message that since she doesn't really take me seriously and that I'm a low priority guy for her, it would be better if we should just call it quits. I waited for her to arrive in Manila and her boss convinced me that it was my fault and that I should not demand such things with her. I took it like a man and just admitted it was my bad just to shut her up. We got over it for now.....

We tried to stay afloat for a while and patch things up even though it would seem it was not meant to be mend. Fact of the matter is, I still love her and I would not let go so easily. I tried to keep her but she said that she has lost interest and that she doesn't feel the same anymore. It was hard to swallow and I couldn't bare the fact that the woman who I thought was "the one" will suddenly be gone, banished in my life for good. I could not admit it then, but I had lost interest as well. It was my fear of failure that kept me going and it was not love after all. I tried to make amends with her and apologize for all the bad things I've said and done but it would seem that we're not on speaking terms anymore. I've lost a good friend and I've lost the woman I loved.

And so it lasted only a month and a half. The word forever will never be the same again.

Memories Part 1: A Winter Valentine

Just to give you guys a brief look at my relationship background, I'm going to write a series of stories from the past that had me who I am today.

It was in college when love showed itself for the first time. It was a rainy day at UST and I had just finished playing Starcraft to let the rain pass. She was standing alone in the rain waiting for someone, something. I curiously approached her to inquire what she was waiting for, classes were over 2 hours ago. She was my classmate...

"I'm waiting for my ride home.", she said with a smile on her face. I was trying to remember her name, hope I had the right one in mind. "Would you mind if I waited with you, snow...". There it was, 2 people seeking shelter from the rain had started talking to each other for the first time....

Time passes so quickly. Everyday I would see her waiting for her ride home, her eyes closes in fear as lightning strikes the earth. The way she laughs and smiles begins to haunt my dreams and suddenly.... I could not call it a day without talking to her.....

One day I found the courage to finally tell her how I feel. To finally let go and let fate decide. The feeling was not as mutual as I'd hoped it to be. She just wants me as a friend, nothing more. I dismissed my feelings, thinking I did not have the right to even ask. And so, 2 years passed by like a breeze from the sea....

It was the last year in school. Despite my efforts to ignore her, the constant ache in my heart would not let me rest. I've decided to show her how much I feel, the only way I knew how. I woke up 2am valentines day to get the best flowers there is as a way of saying: "I still think of you." I got 3 dozens, a dozen white, a dozen pink and a dozen red. White roses, when given to a person, means "I respect you.". I gave it to her on our first class. Pink roses would mean "I admire you.". I gave it to her on our second class. Red roses, well, I think you know already. I gave it to her on our last period. Didn't get the response I was hoping for. She even tried giving it away to some of her friends. I went home, broken, both in spirit and in my wallet. I felt cold and tired, I went to sleep...

I woke up the next day with her apologizing. I was stronger, and warmer. That was the coldest Valentine ever....

A Diplomatic Solution

This blog would be a response to the comments I've been getting not only in this blog site but with others as well.

The reason for not disclosing my feelings to whom it is concerned to is because of complications. A diplomatic solution is needed before such emotions should be made public. We must be mindful of what we say, words and emotions are forces to be reckoned with. It has the power to set free and to destroy as well. I have no doubt in my mind that she should know this but, we cannot rush into things before they are ready. It would be the same as charging into battle with a broken light saber. Brave yet reckless.

My cause will be known to her, in time....

For now, we must be patient as the farmer planting the seeds of for tomorrows harvest. For those who still doubt my sincerity with her, feel free to judge me as you will. The truth will remain even if the fool refuses to believe in it.

An Anomaly

This is my first time to write here so here goes....

During the past few moths, I have been investigating an anomaly in the force. It was around a person. During the times I was with her, I seemed to smile a lot and think less of the heavy load I carry each day. I have foreseen that I would be in danger of making a fool out of myself again by falling head over heels for her. Lets face it, I'm not exactly Brad Pitt. The repercussions of me confessing my growing fondness of her would result in a catastrophic explosion of emotions, mainly on my part. I keep telling myself to be mindful of my feelings and that a life of a Jedi must not be corrupted by sharing it with someone else....

Foolish was I to think that one day, she would fall for me as well.... Foolish to think that the heavens would bow down to the ground. Nevertheless, I could not deny myself of the fact that I really want to be with her. She may be "out of my league", but as sure as God made green apples, if there was a way she could see inside me, I'm sure she would feel overwhelmed....

For now, I cannot be someone she likes.....But I can be someone who's always around her and with her, may it be in flesh or in prayers....