My Calm Surrender

I wake a few hours after midnight with a heightened sense of fatigue. A long phonecall cut my sleeping time short. I've resigned to the fact that people will only see me as convenient shoulder to cry on and nothing more. When the phonecalls stop, my name is lost in the deep bowels of their phone book.

I brush my teeth trying not to look at the guy in front of the mirror. I'm starting to loathe him for what he has become. I've resigned to the fact that I may not smile today despite my rigorous brushing. Apart from an obligatory happy face that I wear in the office, I see no reason for me to give it essence or substance. A hallow smile should be good enough for show.

I take a bath with my head tilted down. The flowing water reminds me of all the wasted tears I shouldn't have shed. An offering of tears mean nothing more than an inexpensive show of weakness when given to a person who doesn't really give a damn. I've resigned to the fact that my weakness for such people only reflect my flaws tenfold and that my inability to ascertain their real value means my ideals have degraded a great deal.

I dress up grabbing whatever shirt was on top. I've resigned to the fact that no matter how good I think I look, it's never going to be enough to turn heads or leave an impression that exceeds 5 seconds. Looking good has never been my priority and I thought that superficial tangibles are for shallow people. Apparently, it will always be a factor despite women's claim that it doesn't matter to them.

I arrive early at work. A deep sigh always finds its way after I slump lazily to the wall facing the office entrance. I'm always an hour early to avoid rushing things. I've resigned to the fact that my vigilance may not be appreciated or needed at this point. Lyrics to a song holds true that "I'm not always there when you call, but I'm always on time".

I work my butt off. I try to focus on getting the job done early as there is always extra work popping up. People will always depend on you despite the fact that they already know what needs to be done. I've resigned to the fact that despite my importance in the greater scheme of things, they will never promote me because I've become too good at what I do. People below me will move up and it breaks my heart when they come to me for help when they're suppose to be better than me.

I go home and start over. I try to rest and muster the strength to do things all over again when the morning comes. At this time, phone calls come in from people who need me to fix their problems. I've resigned to the fact that no matter how many hours of sleep I lose, people will assume that I have nothing to do tomorrow and that it's okay to keep me on the line. They won't take my advice regardless of how good and logical it is. They've already decided on a course of action which I know will lead them to more pain. It's a vicious cycle and I'm part of it. Though I never get anything out of it, they include me nonetheless.

I'm stuck in a loop. Without you, I find the days all the same. It's better than being with you and go on hurting but it all seems mundane if you're not around. I hope something happens soon. This standstill is making me jittery. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.