Older and Almost Better

A smile falls on my face 5:30 in the morning on a jeepney ride home. I realized I've been using the same old route I've used since elementary school. My friend's place I've been going to since grade 5. It's funny how you grow up and become the same person with an older face. My friends and I have always imagined that we would still be playing the good game even if our arthritic hand would give up on us, hoping by then the game would be triggered not by hand but by thought. Hoping that by the time we would have the money, we would still be unbound and unattached (too bad guys) so we could play all we want without having to answer to no one. Here I was, living a dream I had when I was in high school.

Most people would tell us to grow up saying such pursuit of hollow happiness would be a complete waste of time. I've always believed it to be the other way around. People forget that the reason why and where we are now is a product of such dreams. We wanted to get jobs not for the sake of becoming employed but because we could use the money to better our lives. This is exactly what I'm doing. The little joys that I partake make me a well-rounded person. I am building up for the future as well, but not at the expense of the present. We can't always look forward, we also have to look at where we're walking and sometimes retrace our steps.

As my friends and I gather and throw our regular insults and criticisms at each other (we've been doing this ever since), I remembered imagining the same scene way back. We've been scarred by time and burned by mistakes but the men I saw in that room were the same boys that I grew up with. We have not lost ourselves, our identity. Most adults do. Looking back, we never planned it to be exactly like this but I'm glad that fate brought us here anyway.

Constants to Keep

It's quite amazing how the season goes by and the things around us change. The constant passing of time, legions of faces, images and sensations that come and go blow like the Eastern wind. Yet, some things remain after another year ends that proves that change does not hold sway over all things. They are people and tools of habit that stand the test of time, so to speak.

Coffee. A cup of brew is a constant reminder that not all things are doomed to failure. Every sip a promise that tomorrow will be a less crappy day. Every moment savored rejuvenates the body and soul like the gospel to a zealous church woman. An addiction allowed by the law.


Friends. Your comrades will always be there to lend you a helping hand, ask for a helping hand (in cash, of course) and give you a constant nudge in the shoulder to remind you that you still owe them money or they need another loan. They're always there to ignore your advice and cry on your shoulder when they fail and give you the adequate blood pressure to make you want to scratch off all of your hair. They also come in handy when your lonely, they can lend a sympathetic ear even though they don't understand a word your saying. Truly, a treasure worth keeping when you have absolutely nothing.

The Net. The internet is a vast space where you can get lost on purpose. A place to hide. You'll be flooded with proposals that promise sex, virtual sex and self sex. Never has there been a place so perverted since Soddom. It is also a place where you can throw your thoughts and ideas and get a response that is either violent, insulting or mildly titillating. It has long since served as a haven for people with no real friends or can't speak well enough to interact. It contains a lot of information about things you need to know, don't want to know or wish you didn't know. A useful tool, an escape from reality.

Love. Or at least the promise of it, makes better men out of us. A comforting thought that at the end of the day, someone who loves you can make all the boo-boos go away. A renewed promise that even after a days temptation, we still go home to a faithful someone who eagerly awaits our loving arms to wrap around them. A soothing balm that heals the wound dealt to you by the last idiot you spoke with over the phone. A smile that wipes away the tears you shed after you've sold an emperium for 100 zennys (ragnarok players only). Being in love and falling for someone has always been the most pleasurable constant I can never get used to. I hope I never will.

Ended in a Whimper

This year's celebration of the new year ended in quite a depressing note. I was at the office doing my yearly contemplation of the things that came to pass. I realized that being bound to this work of mine has hampered my growth as far as sociology is concerned. I was able to go out less and I have not made my usual number of acquaintances the last year. Upon deeper thought, I found myself to be alone once again. Ever since quitting "the game", it's been harder to find lasting relationships. A sort of "punishment", I suppose.

It was only until the last month of the year that I had muster the courage to let go of my short term relationships with "old friends". It's hard to say "no" to sex, especially when it's offered to you in a very seductive package. You'll know of this if your a guy. It used to momentarily numb me of the loneliness but lately it's been making it worse. The thought of being used as meat for the hungry reduced me to nothing more than a whore (and not in a good way 'cause I'm not getting paid for it). The path I chose is proving to be a difficult one, self-denial always is.

There I was, sitting in a the corner of the office with my head against the wall feeling sorry for myself. The fireworks outside is temptingly amusing but I couldn't bring myself to get out of my seat and watch it. The year ended in a whimper. I do hope it's not going to be a trend from now on. Then again, we never get what we want. We always get what is needed and if God saw it fitting that I go through with this then I shall.