The Girl Everybody Loves to Hate

Another peaceful day hangs on the brink of extinction for the people around her as she edges close to her work station. A sigh breaks out as she lazily brings her computer monitor to life. She's too early again. The palpable animosity she's used to is but a lingering memory and a welcome feeling compared to the chilling silence of being utterly ignored. Nobody turns as she makes her presence felt. She is a ghost.

Beware of this seemingly docile creature, she is as every bit as dangerous as everyone says she is. Her dagger has found its way on unsuspecting victims when they make a mistake in turning their backside to her. I, myself, have been treated as such. I will never make another mistake by defending her again. What brought about this hatred, you ask?

She lies. Her stories are enthralling, captivating. Careful which part to believe as she manipulates people with her tales. She denies her words when confronted and she wins you back with praises and compliments. She comes to you wounded with tears so you would perceive her as a feeble and vulnerable. Do not be deceived, she does not recoil in pain but means to pounce and attack.

She steals. Beware the trinkets she peddles, they are not treasures because they are duly priced. Look elsewhere and you'll see they are common wares and are bought for half. Do not be affected if she calls you cheap. Do not be gawded into selling your soul for a rusty old lamp. She will take what you have and justify that it's hers. She will raise an army if you dispute as such.

She endures. She will never say sorry for the things she has done. She believes them to be right, she will never be wrong. Defend her if you will, you will nurse your wounds and seek my help in the morning. She's beyond rehabilitation, if you sit down and talk to her, she will come running and crying asking for someone to pity her as she acts the victim and you the bully. She is hopeless and so she acts like she is. She will come uninvited, she will ask you to take her in. With endearing words she greets you and bids you farewell, she curses and mocks you when nobody hears.

Believe her, believe me. I do not care. Only time will prove me right. Do not come for me in the name of justice when you do not know who you defend. What I've said to you comes as a warning and not persecution. We've already learned how to deal with her. In silence and indifference we find our refuge from her poison. Here we will stay until she leaves. God help us.

Out of my Pockets and into Theirs

It would seem that our current government is on an all-out shopping spree with the entire nation as the financier.

While people on the street scavenge for food, they lavish away on a multi-million peso dinner claiming to have no knowledge of who paid the bill. Personally, that's the dumbest excuse you can give and I believe a slap in the face is in order to mentally jog his memory.

The parade of exotic cars in front of me reminds us how well we treat our congressmen.

The sea of broken roads and patches of asphalt a clear sign that I'm getting my taxes worth. Even then, I would be painfully reminded that this is all (apparently) from the Mayor's good graces. "Sagipin and Bayan" indeed.

Thieves raiding the country's treasury escape while actors parade the senate with their useless (and highly scripted) defense of a woman who clearly knew what she was doing and is now crying for justice. Why this actor became a senator is really beyond me. Further proof that idiots and mindless sheep still rule the country with their short sighted vote.

Convenient ailments seem to pop-up just when a conviction or a trial is at hand. Courts ruling in favor of old (hopefully dying) corrupt officials.

Honest tax paying seem to inspire me as I watch mall owners and matinee idols elude the long arms of the law (must be pathetic midget hands if you ask me).

People's total lack of respect for my job in the call center industry saying it corrupts the future of employment among new graduates. To you I say: Fuck you! We're the only future you have. In case you didn't notice, tax money comes from these life lines.

I keep hearing that change is on the horizon and yet I feel certain that this is just another phase of the lunar cycle and we'll be forever in the dark. I hope I'm wrong but I know I'm not. When the dust clears and greater bondage is upon us, I hope you've said your prayers. I hope your spirit doesn't break. In the end, your pocket and mine have been picked by the same hand. I pray that you be strong.

Crazy Pig Lady

It's amazing what people are fighting for these days. Just the other week, I heard about this P.A.W.S. representative asking for donations. Donations for feeds. Feeds for pigs that were scheduled to be killed. Now, I'm a lover of God's creatures but this is ri-goddamn-diculous.

Anna Cabrera, wake up! Do you realize how stupid you sound by asking for such things? Hundreds of Filipinos, people who have nothing to eat, die everyday due to malnutrition or bad health and you're asking me to donate feeds for your dead end cause? Has your organization nothing better to do than ask the government to spend MY hard-earned taxes on special guns that will "humanely" slaughter these pigs? What's next? Tombstones? Crutches for crippled crows?

People have lost their basic understanding of what is right and wrong and their warped, albeit mislead conscience is leading them to a very disturbing place. I hope that P.A.W.S. will come up with a better agenda to spend their time on because this is just plain stupid.

My Calm Surrender

I wake a few hours after midnight with a heightened sense of fatigue. A long phonecall cut my sleeping time short. I've resigned to the fact that people will only see me as convenient shoulder to cry on and nothing more. When the phonecalls stop, my name is lost in the deep bowels of their phone book.

I brush my teeth trying not to look at the guy in front of the mirror. I'm starting to loathe him for what he has become. I've resigned to the fact that I may not smile today despite my rigorous brushing. Apart from an obligatory happy face that I wear in the office, I see no reason for me to give it essence or substance. A hallow smile should be good enough for show.

I take a bath with my head tilted down. The flowing water reminds me of all the wasted tears I shouldn't have shed. An offering of tears mean nothing more than an inexpensive show of weakness when given to a person who doesn't really give a damn. I've resigned to the fact that my weakness for such people only reflect my flaws tenfold and that my inability to ascertain their real value means my ideals have degraded a great deal.

I dress up grabbing whatever shirt was on top. I've resigned to the fact that no matter how good I think I look, it's never going to be enough to turn heads or leave an impression that exceeds 5 seconds. Looking good has never been my priority and I thought that superficial tangibles are for shallow people. Apparently, it will always be a factor despite women's claim that it doesn't matter to them.

I arrive early at work. A deep sigh always finds its way after I slump lazily to the wall facing the office entrance. I'm always an hour early to avoid rushing things. I've resigned to the fact that my vigilance may not be appreciated or needed at this point. Lyrics to a song holds true that "I'm not always there when you call, but I'm always on time".

I work my butt off. I try to focus on getting the job done early as there is always extra work popping up. People will always depend on you despite the fact that they already know what needs to be done. I've resigned to the fact that despite my importance in the greater scheme of things, they will never promote me because I've become too good at what I do. People below me will move up and it breaks my heart when they come to me for help when they're suppose to be better than me.

I go home and start over. I try to rest and muster the strength to do things all over again when the morning comes. At this time, phone calls come in from people who need me to fix their problems. I've resigned to the fact that no matter how many hours of sleep I lose, people will assume that I have nothing to do tomorrow and that it's okay to keep me on the line. They won't take my advice regardless of how good and logical it is. They've already decided on a course of action which I know will lead them to more pain. It's a vicious cycle and I'm part of it. Though I never get anything out of it, they include me nonetheless.

I'm stuck in a loop. Without you, I find the days all the same. It's better than being with you and go on hurting but it all seems mundane if you're not around. I hope something happens soon. This standstill is making me jittery. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

The Things I never Got to Say

I know you're taken, I've heard you the first time. I try to look away but my senses can't get enough of you. I tried to be casual about it but everything's in overdrive when you're near or when I feel your presence. I'm not making any sense and I'm not sure if your actions warrant such an attention. An intangible part of me yearns for you. Yearns to be with you.

I know I'm wasting my time when I can be with someone who actually wants to be with me but my sense of logic is overwhelmed because I've fallen. You do know how it feels to fall, do you? Gravity pulls you to the ground and you have no control over the situation. The only thing you can do is hope that someone catches you or you die a horrific death.

I know you'll never see that you deserve something more. Something more than a mediocre feeling of familiarity and a sense of fear for change. I've seen the way he looks at you. He stares as if he's wondering why he's even there. I've seen the same look in people attending weddings where they don't know anyone. I kept thinking how he could ignore you when you're together when I can't take my eyes off you. You defend him when he's being selfish and you tell me that you're used to it. Like a slave who has become numb from the taskmaster's whip, you don't even flinch at the pain. I bleed because you ignore it completely.

I know I'm not good at hiding my disappoint for you. Forgive me. This is the only way i know how. The only way not to love you is to hate you. Hate you for ignoring me during the times I felt I needed your warmth. Hate you for casually putting me aside when I've raised you at the pedestal. Hate the way you cancel on me when all I did the whole time was wait on you. It's my fault. I shouldn't expect anything anyway.

I'm exhausted. Waiting for you when you're not coming is exhausting. Showing you that you can have more is exhausting. Treating you like a Goddess when you treat me like crap is exhausting. But trying to hate you.... is the most exhausting thing I've done so far. So please understand when I pull away and just disappear.

I'm sorry I loved you.

Damaged Goods

I'm damaged. I constantly talk to myself to drown out all the other voices that keep reminding me how my life should go and what I should do.

I'm damaged. I've given my heart to so many, there's barely enough to keep me going. Whoever said to have loved and lost is better than not to love at all was full of crap. I've got nothing to show for it except scars and a jaded outlook of love.

I'm damaged. I'm working so I could support my medical needs and scavenge what's left of my social life. If I saw this coming, I would've gone Ghandi and starve my ass to death.

I'm damaged. I constantly pray to God that He reveal my purpose on this earth so I could finish it and go back to heaven. The silence is louder than the voices in my head. I would've been more comfortable if He said I were to lead a flock of idiots and drown them in the red sea.

I'm damaged. I keep falling for women who are emotionally unavailable. They're too scared to move on despite the fact that they're generally ignored and treated like an ornament or a trophy. Complacency should be a sin.

I'm damaged. I give out good advices to other people yet I don't have answers to my own problems. The whole "wounded healer" role doesn't really help me at all. Every time I console someone, they take a piece of me. Their tears have left me dilapidated like a used tissue paper. I feel like I've carried their burden and my soul mourns for their pain. When they've moved on, I'm left bearing their chains.

I'm damaged. I've stopped celebrating my birthdays because nothing good ever happens. Every time I ask someone special to go with me, I always get stood up or canceled. It's not that I didn't expect it, I just hate the fact that I keep on hoping that it'll be different this time. Maybe I was meant to be alone. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe people just don't give a shit.

I'm damaged. I feel great envy when I look at babies. They've got no worries and they suck up all the love from the people around them. They sleep so soundly because they know they're loved. I'd give anything to feel their bliss.

I'm irreparably damaged. I feel pity for myself but I'm too proud to cry, too stubborn to change and too tired to care. I'm always gonna be picked last, sometimes I don't get picked at all and most of the times I'm not even on the list. Good guys finish last, huh? If that's the way it is, I'm not gonna run at all. Just tell me when its over so I can shake hands with the asshole that finished first. You probably picked that asshole. He's probably your boyfriend. I wouldn't be surprised.

Malaya ba Talaga Ako?

Independence day ngayon kaya naisipan kong ilathala ang storyang ito sa Tagalog. Ang kalayaan natin bilang isang bansa ay pinagbayaran ng pawis at dugo ng mga ninuno natin. Pag nakita nila tayo ngayon, masasabi kaya nila na sulit ang kanilang ibinuwis kapalit ng kanilang buhay? Naging malaya ba talaga tayo?

Buwis (tax). Buwan-buwan tayong nagbabayad nito pero kung saan ito ginagamit at kung kanino napupunta ay hindi sinasabi sa atin. Sa tuwing makakakita ka ng lubak sa daan, sirang pampublikong pasilidad, nabubulok na gusali at sangkatutak na red tape sa mga ahensya ng gobyerno, iisipin mo kung kulang pa ba ang binibigay mo para mapaayos ang bansa. Tuwing makakakita ka ng kongresistang sakay ng magarang kotse, opisyal na nasa Las Vegas tuwing laban ni Pacquiao, sign board na may mukha ng pulitiko, iisipin mo kung kaninong sweldo ang nagpondo sa mga yun.

Utang (debt). Di ka pa pinapanganak, sangkaterba na ang utang mo. Di ka na maka-ahon sa hirap ng buhay at ang perang nakukuha mo ay pambayad na lang sa utang ng nakaraan. Buong buhay mo, pilit mo itong binubura pero parang pati si Superman kalaban mo. Bigyan ka man ng gobyerno ngayon ng limang daang piso dahil nagtipid ka sa kuryente, hanggang saan ka dadalhin nuon? Tuwing lilingon ka, tumataas ang presyo ng mga bilihin, pamasahe pero ang sweldo mo nung 1980 pa ang halaga. Tatagal ka pa kaya?

Hustisya (justice). Parang lata na ng sardinas ang mga piitan at kulungan natin pero mga small time pa rin ang mga nakakulong. Malayang gumagala ang mga mandarambong, mamamatay tao at haragan ng lipunan. Pwede kang makulong pero ang mga mayayaman ay merong rest house sa Tanay na pwedeng tirahan. Kahit ilang beses mo silang ihabla at iharap sa korte ay biglang dadami ang mga sakit nila para 'di sumipot. Abo na ang bangkay ng pinanghihingan mo ng hustisya pero nakatengga lang sa courthouse ang kaso mo. Sisigaw ka ng rape para mapagtakpan mo ang kahihiyan mo dahil alam mong ang bayan natin ay mababaw ang luha para sa mga iyakin. Maraming sisigaw para sa iyo, tama kaya ang mga prinsipyo nila?

Pag Ibig (love). Pwede mong mahalin ang kahit sino pero dapat may itsura sya at may pera. 'Di na baleng matagal na kayong may pagtingin sa isa't-isa dahil kung hindi ka nya kayang buhayin ay wala rin syang silbi. Kelangan magustuhan din sya ng mga magulang, kaibigan, kapit bahay at katrabaho dahil importante ang imahe para sa 'yo. Pwede kang tumanggap ng regalo kahit na kailanmay 'di mo susuklian ng pansin. Magkaka-anak kayo ng pinili mong tropeong asawa pero 'di ka na nya susuyuin tulad ng dati. Makikita mo na lang syang may kasamang iba o amoy babae pag uwi. Tama kaya ang pinili mo?

Malaya ka na nga. Nakakapagreklamo ka na eh. Anong ginagawa mo sa kalayaang yan? Ipapahawak mo ba sa iba? Gagamitin mo para pumili ng mali? Sa paggamit mo nito, naaapakan mo ba ang kalayaan ng iba? Malaya ka ba talaga?