Foresight for the Coming Year

(The Preacher side of me talking)
Yet another year has almost reached it's end. Winter can be a long, cold night for those who wait for the warm comfort of affection. Alas, we must be headstrong and look forward to a new day with renewed hope that God will carry us through. The future may be bleak and unreassuring but rest easy to know that these undertakings will mold our character and give us the strength we need to overcome the trials of tomorrow. We may not be given the clairvoyance to see what lies ahead but we shall be content in living each moment to the fullest.

(The Coffee Addict in me talking)
Ditto. Just as long as I have a good brew and a good book, whatever fate deals me I shall face with a warm, sleepless smile. The future can be warm and calm only if you want it to, but why choose that? So many things to see and things to do, the loneliness won't set in as long as you keep on working. Play something with a little bounce in it, don't pull out your "senti" CD's, that will only keep you down and longing for things that maybe you're not suppose to have. I agree with the preacher, live each moment the way you sip your coffee: drink to indulge not to quench the thirst.

(The Jedi in me talking)
Clouded, the future is. If you knew what the future is, then it would not come to pass. Be mindful of the things you say to others for the world you move in is tied to your fate. Your longing for affection was part of the old life that you have forsaken. The jedi life should not be corrupted in self-indulgence. Love to heal others and not to fill the gaping void in your heart. Trust your feelings. You'll traverse everything just as long as you stay focused on your true mission.

(The Comic in me talking)
It's all good. I consider it a good day when I don't get cuffed, put on a choke hold or blinded with pepper spray. Don't ask why, I don't. Just keep your head high and pretend you own an obscenely huge amount of money, that'll keep you jolly until you start reaching for wallet. You are what you feel. So don't go reaching for that wallet, if you do, you'll be reminded that you have no money and that you're alone (explains why you only have pictures of you in there, or worse you and your ex).

Hope next year will bring you a renewed appreciation for the things you have. It's like I always say: Life is like a doughnut. (No. Not because it's round, dumbass) It's all filled with different flavors and tastes and take on different sizes and colors. Yet some doughnuts have holes in the middle. If a person looks at the hole in the center, you'd realize that the same hole fills the void of everything else. It's the dream house you can never have, the car you've always wanted or that girl you've always had a thing for. If you concentrate on that hole, you'll never notice your life pass you by. Try to appreciate your life, the one that surrounds the hole. If you take time to appreciate it, you'll see that it's as good as any flavored-filled doughnuts. Happy holidays!!

Christmas by Myself (once again)

It's a record. I've managed to stay single through the holidays for 24 straight years. Can't say I'm proud of it but, it's an achievement on it's own. It seems only last year I promised myself never to allow anything to come in the way of finding romance, I inevitably missed out on it again. A trend, I suppose. It's the same scene as always: I'll be looking out on the window thinking of the things I could've done, things I could've said like something from a cheesy feel-good movie.

Although I value companionship as much as the next guy, I can't bring myself to rush things and sometimes say things even when it should be at that moment in time. A weakness I am aware of, much to my regret. It's ridiculously funny when I can sweep any woman off her feet but feel so uneasy at even trying to say something nice to someone I really like. Must be a curse that all ex-players must deal with. The only explanation I could think of is that when you say flowery words to someone to impress them, it's easy and you don't think of the consequences because it doesn't bare any meaning to you as opposed to saying it to someone you do like. Doesn't make sense sometimes. It's better that way I guess. If attraction was easy I guess we would have a good book about it.

By the way, I decided not to go about with the mission I was tasked with. I've contemplated and concluded that everyone deserves the chance to be happy. If this girl really loves this asshole, it doesn't matter what I show her. She would still choose him. If she gets burned in the end, maybe it's a lesson she needed to learn. Plus the fact that I don't really have the time and energy to steal someone's affection. I already have my hands full with this girl I like (not that I've done much) without having to take on a new load.

Somehow, I feel that everything is in its place. In as much as I want to change things, I'm afraid I don't have the will power to do that yet. I just hope she understands that she's that important to me. Not that she reads any of my journals here, still I'm hopeful that she will know.

Unbecoming of a Gentleman

"Wow, you sound so cool!", she was almost too easy. "Steal her from her crappy boyfriend.", an earlier conversation. "Help her. You owe me!", the words came of a shock to me. I was to become that monster which I hated the most. And yet out of all this, it felt like I owe it to this wonderful woman that I should snatch her from her present state. She's a middle-aged woman in her late twenties. Tall, beautiful and surprisingly intelligent. She's bound to marriage soon and her soon-to-be husband is all but right for her (at least from the point of view of her friends). They have suspected him of cheating and all sorts of betrayal. "She doesn't deserve this.", the voice said again. "Do this one more time.....for me.", a sigh and a nod. I could only agree.


Here I was, setting out on a dark but sacred mission as well. I'm still contemplating on the fact that despite her unusual liking for me, she is contented with her life. "I'm not cut out for this...", I said to myself, "...not anymore."

I couldn't say no to this mission. I owed her a lot. If I could do this, I would have repaid all debts and finally I could say "A heart for a heart, my debt is repaid." Still, a guilty conscience I must carry, the "mark" is simply unaware of my intentions and the repercussions of what I'm about to do could ruin her perfect life. To even consider breaking up a relationship is unbecoming a gentleman and a jedi most of all. "Think of it, you're actually saving her from a huge mistake.", the voice said again.

With my eyes closed, I moved in and introduced myself. It has begun....

Silent Stupor

"Hey, It's been a while....", the voice said with a casual tone. "I'm sorry I haven't even tried talking to you....", with a hint of trembling regret. She gave him that indifferent look as he tries to reach out for her. "I know I have no right to tell you this, and I probably shouldn't...". She ignores him and continues to do her doodling. "I've been thinking about you and....", he grasps for the words that he practiced earlier on. "....I like you a lot and I was hoping...", she cuts him off and says, "I'm sorry, you're really not my type." He tries to explain himself, "I know I'm not, I was just hoping you would....", she interrupts him again and says "There's no need to." "What for?". He just stood there, can't believe what he just heard. This was not what he practiced while he was acting this very scenario on the way to work. Tears which he thought had dried out from all the pain before once flowed again, the bitter harvest of rejection. Suddenly the dark took hold of him again. There is no point in trying to. It is inevitable.

Then I woke up. It was just a dream. Or was it? Was it a conclusion drawn from emotions? More importantly, was it foresight? Fear started to creep from the dark corners of my psyche. I don't want to be that person again. I promised myself I would not let it happen. Then there was nothing but silence. I couldn't move.