Short Term Memory in Politics

I've said time and time again that Filipinos have a VERY short memory when it comes to politics. Their complacency in the power of EDSA have made them reckless in exercising their right to suffrage thinking they can always oust anyone they don't like. They elect politicians based on popularity and think nothing of their past sins and apparent lack in the public's interests. This election, we find people from the entertainment business make their way into senatorial seats and more shockingly, a politician hated for raising taxes.

Revilla. The name itself produces giggles and smirks among educated people. Why is this person in the senate? Why was his father in the senate? His service in as Governor in Cavite was (unsurprisingly) unremarkable and in my opinion, was only marked by his TV career. Now he will serve another term in the senate seat doing nothing but instigate on TV issues and scandals that should be left served in a barangay hall. His term as VRB (now OMB) chairman was picturesque as the movies he star in but never as real either. Conclusion: another wasted seat in the senate.

Lapid. This name makes you think Leon Guerrero or pork rinds. Either way, you would never think senator. Lapid's rise in political power was brought about by a tragedy in Pampanga when lahar ravaged the province. Using the people's ire for the existing political regime, he seized power and made his way up by changing parties and alliances like a sniveling character in a bad action movie. Conclusion: take back your votes.

Recto. My hatred for this candidate is second only to my hatred for bitter gourd (ampalaya). Anyone who thinks raising taxes to increase revenue is an idiot in my book. Our taxes are more than enough to cover the government's lavish lifestyles, corrupted ways and extravagant spending. What you need to do is improve your collections and snuff out officials who misuse funds. Letting the public take the heat for the government's lack of inefficiency makes you a political asshole! If not for Noynoy's endorsement and your wife's popularity, you would be in hell right now, sucking Satan's dick. I thought you were smart but clearly, you're as shortsighted as rhino with sunglasses. If people new better and were told what you did with the VAT, you would not even make the class clown, let alone a senator. Conclusion: shove it where the sun don't shine.

A lot of people ask me: "Why does the Philippines suffer?" We have better resources than most, we're an industrious race, we're guided by a strict moral code and yet we're never as successful as the other nations less fortunate than us. The answer is simply this: we apply our strict standards to where it is not needed and show leniency where it should be applied. We use our resources like it's never going to run out and we're lazy when it comes to deciding for our future. We spent more time on our facebook accounts than looking in to the lives of the people who will guide us for the next 6 and 3 years. We give it to the hands of actors and corrupt villains who shouldn't be trusted with a class, let alone a whole country. We cuddle thieves disguised in poverty and offer them alms when they take from our wallets and live a lavish lifestyle. We take pity on every women who cry foul and defend them blindly when they've erred as much. We listen to crying moms who say their son was not a thief and believe the old bastards who claim they're sick when they should be on trial. We let the squatters vote while we take the sidelines saying: my vote won't make a difference anyway. Here's some wise words to ponder: Wala kang karapatang magreklamo kung hindi ka bumoto.

The Poor Middle Class

I write today to vent out my frustration for the ongoing rehabilitation of the squatter's area in E. Rodriguez Avenue. Society's leeches have found yet another suitable host they can cling to. The politicians smell blood in the water and circle like sharks waiting to be fed on election day.

It pisses me off to see MY tax money being spent on people who haven't paid a cent, steal electricity and water, sell their votes to the highest bidder and complain how life never gave them a good break. They whine in their little air-conditioned huts with free cable, electricity and water and have the guts to complain about their standard of living. You can't even look at you air-conditioning unit and not shiver at the thought of having it run the whole day with it's current cost for usage. Meanwhile, the government, having little or no foresight, increases the cost of utilities and taxes instead of improving their collection (this is why you're NOT getting my vote, Mr. Ralph "VAT" Recto). They unwittingly pass all the burden to the middle class. The upper class, composed mainly of politicians and dishonest businessmen care not for any price increase. Their lofty ill-gotten wealth more than covers for any inconvenience caused by a petty rise in cost.

The reason why inflation rises is because we lose more middle class to bankruptcy. We who have no choice when our paychecks get deducted with tributes to Caesar. The squatters don't shell out anything and the wealthy are not paying enough. It's ironic that these illegal settlers live the life of a rich man when they have nothing. When it gets taken away, they feel violated and demand for something they weren't entitled to in the first place. The rich live the life of a king and pretend to be poor when it's time to run for public office or tax season. When it gets taken away, they feel violated and take more from everyone else. The middle class live from one paycheck to the next and live the life that their budget allows. When it gets taken away from us, we feel violated but roll with the punches because WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

I challenge our government and the next to clean the streets the way it should be. Cut all loses and stop treating the abusive settlers as victims. What are you afraid of? Majority of these people are not registered voters anyway. You've been trying to do right with non-productive members of the society, why not give something back to those who HAVE been doing something? Call me heartless for turning my back on these people but enough is enough. We've endured their stay (illegally) and the cost of the stuff they stole but I refuse to replace it when a fire (that they've caused) took everything they didn't own in the first place. That's not being heartless! That is refusing to bend over and be fucked in the ass! The reason why progress eludes us is because we're a nation that cradles criminals and free loaders.

Moreover, the new government should look more closely into the lives of the elite and seriously ask themselves if these people have been paying their taxes correctly and if they're getting their money from legitimate sources. You don't need a huge budget for this. A customs official who's getting less than 20k of salary per month with no documented business NOT related to his office has 3 luxury cars, a mansion and spends a month in Hawaii for vacation. Do we really need a committee for that? Seriously? Someone should say "duh!". Or maybe a certain Senator who passed several bills that made his business boom spends billions of pesos to sit in a position earning less than a fifty thousand per month. It doesn't take rocket science to read between the lines. If the rich makes a significantly bold move, you only need to ask why to figure out the rest. Motive is everything. If it's there, it is the source and the solution to all mysteries you will be faced with.

I've noted all the politicians who are present at the E. Rodriguez ground zero. I will NOT vote for ANY of them. Hasn't anyone learned anything about the old saying "teach a man to fish and you feed him for life?" Seriously? These measures are band-aids to a gushing wound. If you really want to help these people, give them paying jobs. Educate them for free. If the city were able to fund the college tuition of the Mayor's kids, I bet we can do the same for these people. You didn't know? Weren't all those signs from each project from our good Mayor's wallet? Of course not! Your tax money funded it. Out of our wallets and into theirs. You poor, poor middle class.

The Lesser Evil

Vote wisely. We deserve the kind of leader we elect. This saying is true regardless of how that person won. The masses control our fates. Please don't let the mindless sheep and the hungry wolves dictate you future. Take control and vote!

Noynoy Aquino. The favorite. When people look at this guy, they seem to think Ninoy and Cory. Really, what has he done so far? When I look at him, all I see is Kris. Popularity can only get you so far. I can trust what Noynoy stand for. I can trust that his goals are for the country's interest. I do not trust the people around him. He's a newbie and he will definitely seek guidance from someone. Someone I don't trust. Even an intelligent man can be conned by a simple taxi driver if he doesn't know the roads to his destination.

JC Delos Reyes. The boy. When I look at him, all I see is a jumpy freshman about to present his thesis in front of the Dean with nothing more than theories. Too many ambitions and not enough on the job experience to really know anything. It's as if asking a virgin to describe sex. Totally useless. He knows he's NOT going to win this election and yet he signed up for it. Maybe he's not so smart after all. Maybe he's just there to split the votes. Maybe it's all for show.

Joseph Estrada. The Charismatic Cheater. I must admit that he possesses a certain amount of swagger and charm in everything he does. I'm comfortable in the fact that he really can't do anything illegal that wouldn't look too obvious. His campaign to wipe out the Abu Sayyaf was nearly perfect. He's a womanizer and there's a touch of comedy in his answers that show his lack of verbal acuity. In short, he's the man's man. A president? I have no idea.

Richard Gordon. Firm Hands. When you listen to Gordon, you can't help but be impressed by how well he answers and make his opponents look bad at the same time. You can tell by his voice that he is a no nonsense kind of guy. A tough love kind of leader. When you look at Subic, you can't help but imagine if he could do the same for the entire nation (this I could say the same for Binay). Do I dare give him the chance to make it a reality? When given the choice to remain as a public servant or a business man, he chose the latter. I will forever question his motives.

Jamby Madrigal. The Showy One. I can't count how many times she has advertised her good work when the opportunity presents itself. For some reason, I feel like she's playing a role in a really bad episode of the West Wing. Her tactic revolves around the "I think I've proven myself" by doing this and that. Her verbal battles in the senate are not forgotten as well. Intellectually, she makes sound (but mostly self serving) arguments. I have my doubts on her. Maybe we should hit her with the water cannon one more time. I did enjoy seeing that.

Nicanor Perlas. The Socially active. If you look at Nicanor's track record, he has made notable contributions in social development and business related management with a twist of spiritual and moral flavors to it. He's kind of like the jock-geek-rebel zen master. Mostly, I remember his name for the Bataan Nuclear power plant thing. He preaches globalization but stopped nuclear power. I must admit that it brought us good in the long run. Still, I ask myself why he's running in the first place. He knows he's never going to win. That makes me suspicious.

Gilbert Teodoro. The Palace Dog. Beneath the calm and collected facade lies a heavy burden. I believe that the palace has positioned him very well to be one of the favorites despite his allegiances. If he and GMA wins, I have strong feeling that amending the constitution and electing a prime minister (guess who) is not far behind. It's too convenient that he appeared as the government's white knight during the Ondoy tragedy. I do NOT like him.

Eddie Villanueva. The Preacher. He preaches to the wrong crowd. The voice of the people is the voice of God. You didn't win the last elections. God didn't vote for you. Get a clue.

Manny Villar. The Rags to Riches guy. Poverty molds a person very differently from any other human condition. It drives you to a corner and makes you the most vicious animal who's bent on self preservation. It is a cut throat world out there and even more so in politics. If I try to imagine how he got to the top, I shiver with fear. When I look at the housing project he owns, I doubt his capability to run things smoothly. When I see the investment he puts in on those prime time TV commercials, I have reservations on his intentions. I keep asking myself, "why would I invest millions for a job that pay only in thousands?" The answers I keep coming up with makes a whole lot more sense than "public service".

And so we'll have our fill of promises and our ears will be serenaded by sweet possibilites. Once again, my fears turn to the uneducated masses. Every candidate will surely exploit their desperation. Reminds me of Esau. Trade my inheritance for a bowl of stew. God, help us.

The Girl Everybody Loves to Hate

Another peaceful day hangs on the brink of extinction for the people around her as she edges close to her work station. A sigh breaks out as she lazily brings her computer monitor to life. She's too early again. The palpable animosity she's used to is but a lingering memory and a welcome feeling compared to the chilling silence of being utterly ignored. Nobody turns as she makes her presence felt. She is a ghost.

Beware of this seemingly docile creature, she is as every bit as dangerous as everyone says she is. Her dagger has found its way on unsuspecting victims when they make a mistake in turning their backside to her. I, myself, have been treated as such. I will never make another mistake by defending her again. What brought about this hatred, you ask?

She lies. Her stories are enthralling, captivating. Careful which part to believe as she manipulates people with her tales. She denies her words when confronted and she wins you back with praises and compliments. She comes to you wounded with tears so you would perceive her as a feeble and vulnerable. Do not be deceived, she does not recoil in pain but means to pounce and attack.

She steals. Beware the trinkets she peddles, they are not treasures because they are duly priced. Look elsewhere and you'll see they are common wares and are bought for half. Do not be affected if she calls you cheap. Do not be gawded into selling your soul for a rusty old lamp. She will take what you have and justify that it's hers. She will raise an army if you dispute as such.

She endures. She will never say sorry for the things she has done. She believes them to be right, she will never be wrong. Defend her if you will, you will nurse your wounds and seek my help in the morning. She's beyond rehabilitation, if you sit down and talk to her, she will come running and crying asking for someone to pity her as she acts the victim and you the bully. She is hopeless and so she acts like she is. She will come uninvited, she will ask you to take her in. With endearing words she greets you and bids you farewell, she curses and mocks you when nobody hears.

Believe her, believe me. I do not care. Only time will prove me right. Do not come for me in the name of justice when you do not know who you defend. What I've said to you comes as a warning and not persecution. We've already learned how to deal with her. In silence and indifference we find our refuge from her poison. Here we will stay until she leaves. God help us.

Out of my Pockets and into Theirs

It would seem that our current government is on an all-out shopping spree with the entire nation as the financier.

While people on the street scavenge for food, they lavish away on a multi-million peso dinner claiming to have no knowledge of who paid the bill. Personally, that's the dumbest excuse you can give and I believe a slap in the face is in order to mentally jog his memory.

The parade of exotic cars in front of me reminds us how well we treat our congressmen.

The sea of broken roads and patches of asphalt a clear sign that I'm getting my taxes worth. Even then, I would be painfully reminded that this is all (apparently) from the Mayor's good graces. "Sagipin and Bayan" indeed.

Thieves raiding the country's treasury escape while actors parade the senate with their useless (and highly scripted) defense of a woman who clearly knew what she was doing and is now crying for justice. Why this actor became a senator is really beyond me. Further proof that idiots and mindless sheep still rule the country with their short sighted vote.

Convenient ailments seem to pop-up just when a conviction or a trial is at hand. Courts ruling in favor of old (hopefully dying) corrupt officials.

Honest tax paying seem to inspire me as I watch mall owners and matinee idols elude the long arms of the law (must be pathetic midget hands if you ask me).

People's total lack of respect for my job in the call center industry saying it corrupts the future of employment among new graduates. To you I say: Fuck you! We're the only future you have. In case you didn't notice, tax money comes from these life lines.

I keep hearing that change is on the horizon and yet I feel certain that this is just another phase of the lunar cycle and we'll be forever in the dark. I hope I'm wrong but I know I'm not. When the dust clears and greater bondage is upon us, I hope you've said your prayers. I hope your spirit doesn't break. In the end, your pocket and mine have been picked by the same hand. I pray that you be strong.

Crazy Pig Lady

It's amazing what people are fighting for these days. Just the other week, I heard about this P.A.W.S. representative asking for donations. Donations for feeds. Feeds for pigs that were scheduled to be killed. Now, I'm a lover of God's creatures but this is ri-goddamn-diculous.

Anna Cabrera, wake up! Do you realize how stupid you sound by asking for such things? Hundreds of Filipinos, people who have nothing to eat, die everyday due to malnutrition or bad health and you're asking me to donate feeds for your dead end cause? Has your organization nothing better to do than ask the government to spend MY hard-earned taxes on special guns that will "humanely" slaughter these pigs? What's next? Tombstones? Crutches for crippled crows?

People have lost their basic understanding of what is right and wrong and their warped, albeit mislead conscience is leading them to a very disturbing place. I hope that P.A.W.S. will come up with a better agenda to spend their time on because this is just plain stupid.

My Calm Surrender

I wake a few hours after midnight with a heightened sense of fatigue. A long phonecall cut my sleeping time short. I've resigned to the fact that people will only see me as convenient shoulder to cry on and nothing more. When the phonecalls stop, my name is lost in the deep bowels of their phone book.

I brush my teeth trying not to look at the guy in front of the mirror. I'm starting to loathe him for what he has become. I've resigned to the fact that I may not smile today despite my rigorous brushing. Apart from an obligatory happy face that I wear in the office, I see no reason for me to give it essence or substance. A hallow smile should be good enough for show.

I take a bath with my head tilted down. The flowing water reminds me of all the wasted tears I shouldn't have shed. An offering of tears mean nothing more than an inexpensive show of weakness when given to a person who doesn't really give a damn. I've resigned to the fact that my weakness for such people only reflect my flaws tenfold and that my inability to ascertain their real value means my ideals have degraded a great deal.

I dress up grabbing whatever shirt was on top. I've resigned to the fact that no matter how good I think I look, it's never going to be enough to turn heads or leave an impression that exceeds 5 seconds. Looking good has never been my priority and I thought that superficial tangibles are for shallow people. Apparently, it will always be a factor despite women's claim that it doesn't matter to them.

I arrive early at work. A deep sigh always finds its way after I slump lazily to the wall facing the office entrance. I'm always an hour early to avoid rushing things. I've resigned to the fact that my vigilance may not be appreciated or needed at this point. Lyrics to a song holds true that "I'm not always there when you call, but I'm always on time".

I work my butt off. I try to focus on getting the job done early as there is always extra work popping up. People will always depend on you despite the fact that they already know what needs to be done. I've resigned to the fact that despite my importance in the greater scheme of things, they will never promote me because I've become too good at what I do. People below me will move up and it breaks my heart when they come to me for help when they're suppose to be better than me.

I go home and start over. I try to rest and muster the strength to do things all over again when the morning comes. At this time, phone calls come in from people who need me to fix their problems. I've resigned to the fact that no matter how many hours of sleep I lose, people will assume that I have nothing to do tomorrow and that it's okay to keep me on the line. They won't take my advice regardless of how good and logical it is. They've already decided on a course of action which I know will lead them to more pain. It's a vicious cycle and I'm part of it. Though I never get anything out of it, they include me nonetheless.

I'm stuck in a loop. Without you, I find the days all the same. It's better than being with you and go on hurting but it all seems mundane if you're not around. I hope something happens soon. This standstill is making me jittery. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

The Things I never Got to Say

I know you're taken, I've heard you the first time. I try to look away but my senses can't get enough of you. I tried to be casual about it but everything's in overdrive when you're near or when I feel your presence. I'm not making any sense and I'm not sure if your actions warrant such an attention. An intangible part of me yearns for you. Yearns to be with you.

I know I'm wasting my time when I can be with someone who actually wants to be with me but my sense of logic is overwhelmed because I've fallen. You do know how it feels to fall, do you? Gravity pulls you to the ground and you have no control over the situation. The only thing you can do is hope that someone catches you or you die a horrific death.

I know you'll never see that you deserve something more. Something more than a mediocre feeling of familiarity and a sense of fear for change. I've seen the way he looks at you. He stares as if he's wondering why he's even there. I've seen the same look in people attending weddings where they don't know anyone. I kept thinking how he could ignore you when you're together when I can't take my eyes off you. You defend him when he's being selfish and you tell me that you're used to it. Like a slave who has become numb from the taskmaster's whip, you don't even flinch at the pain. I bleed because you ignore it completely.

I know I'm not good at hiding my disappoint for you. Forgive me. This is the only way i know how. The only way not to love you is to hate you. Hate you for ignoring me during the times I felt I needed your warmth. Hate you for casually putting me aside when I've raised you at the pedestal. Hate the way you cancel on me when all I did the whole time was wait on you. It's my fault. I shouldn't expect anything anyway.

I'm exhausted. Waiting for you when you're not coming is exhausting. Showing you that you can have more is exhausting. Treating you like a Goddess when you treat me like crap is exhausting. But trying to hate you.... is the most exhausting thing I've done so far. So please understand when I pull away and just disappear.

I'm sorry I loved you.

Damaged Goods

I'm damaged. I constantly talk to myself to drown out all the other voices that keep reminding me how my life should go and what I should do.

I'm damaged. I've given my heart to so many, there's barely enough to keep me going. Whoever said to have loved and lost is better than not to love at all was full of crap. I've got nothing to show for it except scars and a jaded outlook of love.

I'm damaged. I'm working so I could support my medical needs and scavenge what's left of my social life. If I saw this coming, I would've gone Ghandi and starve my ass to death.

I'm damaged. I constantly pray to God that He reveal my purpose on this earth so I could finish it and go back to heaven. The silence is louder than the voices in my head. I would've been more comfortable if He said I were to lead a flock of idiots and drown them in the red sea.

I'm damaged. I keep falling for women who are emotionally unavailable. They're too scared to move on despite the fact that they're generally ignored and treated like an ornament or a trophy. Complacency should be a sin.

I'm damaged. I give out good advices to other people yet I don't have answers to my own problems. The whole "wounded healer" role doesn't really help me at all. Every time I console someone, they take a piece of me. Their tears have left me dilapidated like a used tissue paper. I feel like I've carried their burden and my soul mourns for their pain. When they've moved on, I'm left bearing their chains.

I'm damaged. I've stopped celebrating my birthdays because nothing good ever happens. Every time I ask someone special to go with me, I always get stood up or canceled. It's not that I didn't expect it, I just hate the fact that I keep on hoping that it'll be different this time. Maybe I was meant to be alone. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe people just don't give a shit.

I'm damaged. I feel great envy when I look at babies. They've got no worries and they suck up all the love from the people around them. They sleep so soundly because they know they're loved. I'd give anything to feel their bliss.

I'm irreparably damaged. I feel pity for myself but I'm too proud to cry, too stubborn to change and too tired to care. I'm always gonna be picked last, sometimes I don't get picked at all and most of the times I'm not even on the list. Good guys finish last, huh? If that's the way it is, I'm not gonna run at all. Just tell me when its over so I can shake hands with the asshole that finished first. You probably picked that asshole. He's probably your boyfriend. I wouldn't be surprised.

Malaya ba Talaga Ako?

Independence day ngayon kaya naisipan kong ilathala ang storyang ito sa Tagalog. Ang kalayaan natin bilang isang bansa ay pinagbayaran ng pawis at dugo ng mga ninuno natin. Pag nakita nila tayo ngayon, masasabi kaya nila na sulit ang kanilang ibinuwis kapalit ng kanilang buhay? Naging malaya ba talaga tayo?

Buwis (tax). Buwan-buwan tayong nagbabayad nito pero kung saan ito ginagamit at kung kanino napupunta ay hindi sinasabi sa atin. Sa tuwing makakakita ka ng lubak sa daan, sirang pampublikong pasilidad, nabubulok na gusali at sangkatutak na red tape sa mga ahensya ng gobyerno, iisipin mo kung kulang pa ba ang binibigay mo para mapaayos ang bansa. Tuwing makakakita ka ng kongresistang sakay ng magarang kotse, opisyal na nasa Las Vegas tuwing laban ni Pacquiao, sign board na may mukha ng pulitiko, iisipin mo kung kaninong sweldo ang nagpondo sa mga yun.

Utang (debt). Di ka pa pinapanganak, sangkaterba na ang utang mo. Di ka na maka-ahon sa hirap ng buhay at ang perang nakukuha mo ay pambayad na lang sa utang ng nakaraan. Buong buhay mo, pilit mo itong binubura pero parang pati si Superman kalaban mo. Bigyan ka man ng gobyerno ngayon ng limang daang piso dahil nagtipid ka sa kuryente, hanggang saan ka dadalhin nuon? Tuwing lilingon ka, tumataas ang presyo ng mga bilihin, pamasahe pero ang sweldo mo nung 1980 pa ang halaga. Tatagal ka pa kaya?

Hustisya (justice). Parang lata na ng sardinas ang mga piitan at kulungan natin pero mga small time pa rin ang mga nakakulong. Malayang gumagala ang mga mandarambong, mamamatay tao at haragan ng lipunan. Pwede kang makulong pero ang mga mayayaman ay merong rest house sa Tanay na pwedeng tirahan. Kahit ilang beses mo silang ihabla at iharap sa korte ay biglang dadami ang mga sakit nila para 'di sumipot. Abo na ang bangkay ng pinanghihingan mo ng hustisya pero nakatengga lang sa courthouse ang kaso mo. Sisigaw ka ng rape para mapagtakpan mo ang kahihiyan mo dahil alam mong ang bayan natin ay mababaw ang luha para sa mga iyakin. Maraming sisigaw para sa iyo, tama kaya ang mga prinsipyo nila?

Pag Ibig (love). Pwede mong mahalin ang kahit sino pero dapat may itsura sya at may pera. 'Di na baleng matagal na kayong may pagtingin sa isa't-isa dahil kung hindi ka nya kayang buhayin ay wala rin syang silbi. Kelangan magustuhan din sya ng mga magulang, kaibigan, kapit bahay at katrabaho dahil importante ang imahe para sa 'yo. Pwede kang tumanggap ng regalo kahit na kailanmay 'di mo susuklian ng pansin. Magkaka-anak kayo ng pinili mong tropeong asawa pero 'di ka na nya susuyuin tulad ng dati. Makikita mo na lang syang may kasamang iba o amoy babae pag uwi. Tama kaya ang pinili mo?

Malaya ka na nga. Nakakapagreklamo ka na eh. Anong ginagawa mo sa kalayaang yan? Ipapahawak mo ba sa iba? Gagamitin mo para pumili ng mali? Sa paggamit mo nito, naaapakan mo ba ang kalayaan ng iba? Malaya ka ba talaga?

Farewell

Three years have passed and yet it seemed shorter than a week. Months of trying to reach you in vain, waiting on the other end of the line, praying to hear your voice. I have failed. Months sending you mail and messages in all forms, waiting for a short greeting or a sign that you've received my letters. I have failed. One day to travel miles just to see you and talk to you. I have failed.

In my endeavors to find you, I have found only disappointment and a stinging loneliness that even the deafening laughter of friends around me cannot dowse. In my efforts to cling to my eroding feelings for you, I have bled myself dry. Do I mean so little to you? Am I not worth a minute of your time? You're busy, I know. I am too. I see all these pictures of you in all the fun places doing all the fun things and all I can think about is that you didn't even think of me for a second. Am I selfish to think that? Do I ask so much?

No. I'm tired of trying to defend you and your actions. I deserve better than being ignored. When I sought out to find you and end it all, I asked God if I was doing the right thing. I got my answer. God guided me to the one place I would find you and I didn't even make a wrong turn anywhere. I stood on your doorstep and knocked. I got no response and I walked away. I didn't need an answer. Maybe I got used to the blank response I always got from you. I owed myself that trip. The part of me that loves you. Now I know how much effort you'll put on my account. Now I know how I rank in the scheme of things. Now I know what part I play in your life. It's the same amount as the response I got when I knocked on your door.

When I woke up the next morning, I was still lonely. But now, I don't have to be tied up or held back. I no longer set any limits for myself. Now, I can live without carrying the burden of a one sided relationship. I thank you for teaching me a lesson I will not soon forget. I thank you for what love you've shown me. Now I must say farewell.

Somewhere I belong

I miss the sea and the red sky as it heralds the new day. I've been meaning to get out of the city again and see the place I grew up in.

Unngoy sa Siyudad

Sa tagal ng pamamalagi ko sa kalye papuntang eskwelahan noon at sa trabaho ngayon, sa tingin ko'y namalagi ako sa pampublikong sasakyan ng mahigit 10 taon. Hilig ko talaga ang pagbiyahe at ang pag-commute sa kalakhang Maynila ay isa sa mga maliit na kaligayahan na aking tinatamasa sa araw-araw. Ngunit gaano man ang hilig ko dito, hindi maiiwasang meron din mga tao na sisira ng magandang karanasang ito. Sa talakayang ito, itatawag natin silang mga Unggoy sa Siyudad. Mga taong nag-aasal hayop!

Unggoy sa hagdanan. Kung madalas kang sumakay ng pampublikong tren ay makakakita ka nito. May mga lubid na nakapalibot sa mga hagdanan upang igabay ang pila ng mga taong gustong sumakay. Pero ano ito? May tumatawid sa mga lubid! At minsan, matatamaan o mahahagip ka pa ng mga naglulundagang mga unggoy! Dugyot na ang barong na suot mo. Madungis na ang itim mong pantalon na kinaingat-ingatan mong huwag maapakan at madumihan. Sira na ang araw mo, sira pa ang porma mong disente sana.

Unggoy Libre. Iba talaga ang epekto ng salitang "libre" para sa mga Pilipino. Parang wala nang bukas at di bale nang ikaw lang ang makinabang dito. Hindi ko alam kong bakit pati libreng periodiko ay kelangang kunin ng tig-iisang dangkal. Magbabago ba ang balita sa bawat kopyang kunin mo? Wala pang alas-siyete ng umaga, ubos na ang libre. Diyata't naubos ng mga unggoy.

Unggoy Rehas. Ewan ko ba kung bakit ang unang rehas sa pinto ng tren ay syang paboritong kapitan ng mga unggoy. 'Di naman sila lalabas ng maaga. Palagay ko ay dahil sa pintuang bumubukas at sumasarado mag-isa kung bakit hilig nilang tambayan ito. Babara sila sa lahat ng gustong pumasok at lumabas. Kakapit sila ng madiin na parang tuko, 'wag lang mawala sa puwesto! Siguradong gusot-gusot ang damit mo na parang galing ng sampayan pagdaan mo sa kanila.

Unggoy Reyna. Sa lahat ng uri ng sasakyan, meron kang makikita nito. Nakaupo ito ng patagilid. Nakaharap sa bintana at tila walang pakialam sa iba pang gustong umupo! Ito ang mga tipong nasanay sumakay ng nag-iisa. Huwag 'mong susubukang makiupo kung ayaw mong matitigan ng masama!

Unggoy Hari. Syempre, di patatalo ang hari. Nakaupo ito ng diretso at nakabukaka ng todo upang ipagyabang ang kanyang pagiging hari. Ayaw nya ng may katabi! At pag nagtabi sila ng reyna, 4 na katao ang sakop nila! Naku, puno na pala ang sasakyan, sa susunod na jeep na lang po, mamang driver!

Unggoy Usok. Kahit ilang panawagan na ang meron sa telebisyon o sa dyaryo at sa mismong pakete ng yosi, madami pa ring nalululong sa bisyo na ito. Ok lang sana kung sila lang ang nakalalanghap. Kung talagang masarap magyosi, bakit nyo pa binubuga? Di ba dapat, hithit na lang ng hithit? Para sa mga hindi nakakaalam, ang pagyoyosi sa pampublikong sasakyan ay labag sa batas. At hindi rin totoo yung commercial na pag nakiusap ka eh, titigil sila. Baka nga mapaaway ka pa eh.

Unggoy Dura. Ilag! Baka tamaan ka ng lumilipad na sipon! Dito ka lang ata makakakita ng taong dumudura sa kalye. Kung hindi ka alisto ay siguradong tatamaan ka at baka kailangan mo nang sunugin ang suot mo para hindi mahawa. Malas mo lalo kung nasa sasakyan sila at ikaw ay nataon na lumalakad sa bangketa. Hindi lang pantalon mo ang maaring masapul.

Hindi lang yan ang mga unggoy na makikita mo sa siyudad. Pero marami pa rin namang natitirang tao. Pag laon kasi ng panahon, dahil nakasanayan na ang mali, nagiging tama. Hangga't may pumupuna, hindi mangyayari iyon. Ipagpatuloy nating pansinin ang mga mali para maituwid at di pamarisan ng ibang tao. Hindi ka maarte kung nasa tama ka. At wala ka sa tama kung ang tanging dahilan mo lang ay ginagawa rin ito ng iba. Kung mahal mo ang Pilipinas, hindi mo hahayaang maubos ang tao dito at mapalitan ng mga unggoy. Kumilos ka. Makialam. Yun lang.... Wala akong sponsors kaya wala ng kasunod.... Salamat po.

Back to School

"One day, you'll miss going to school", my mom says while I lay in the couch slumped like a drunken college boy. At that moment, I could think of a thousand reasons why she's wrong. The zits alone make up ten and it complicates a high school kid's life on so many different levels.

While I stand in the train station waiting to be whisked away to work, I felt envy for the young students making their way to school. I never thought I'd look back and wish I was back in those days where life was so much simple.

You don't have to worry about money. There seems to be an abundant source of it and you don't have to worry where it comes from or who gives it to you. As an adult, you realize it comes from blood and sweat. It kind of makes me feel guilty for all the smoothies and fish balls I embellished on back when I was young. It's amazing that back then, those were considered a luxury.

You don't have to study all the time. When you're a gifted audio learner like I am (ahem), you don't have to write stuff on your notebook or read like the rest of the bunch. You just listen to the lectures and after the tests, you see that you might have missed one or two things. When you get to college, all the readings and notes you have will be worth nothing against your professor's confusing way of delivering the question and giving you a whole set of choices that seem to fit in. You suddenly feel like Madam Auring trying to guess the right answer with all the cameras pointed at you. Why can't someone come up with a test that has the "connect the dots" theme on it?

Good friends. The friends you had in high school are probably the only real friends you'll ever have. College friends get you into trouble, and work buddies are good until after office hours. You can forget faces you met in college and at work, but you'll never forget who sat beside you in 5th grade trying to peek at your test paper.

The Teachers. You keep wondering why it's important that you know stuff about things you won't really need in real life like trigonometry and physics (at this point, its becoming apparent that I hated math). And yet, when I'm trying to decipher my pay slip, I feel thankful somebody took the time to teach taxation, even after school hours, to someone like me who doesn't like to crunch the numbers. When you're in the real world, no one will bother to sit down and explain things to you. Not unless she (or worse, he) finds you cute.

Spare time. You seem to run out of this as you grow older. Back in the school days, we always run out of things to do. We've finished our homework. We've played 'till we're drop dead tired. All our TV shows are finished. You've already called your crush and asked lame questions like "what's for dinner at your house?". When you look at the clock, there still some time to kill. After work and the long commute home, I often look at the clock and wonder who put the time on fast forward.

Responsibility. You can't be held liable for your actions when you were a kid. Instead of blaming you, the adults would most likely end up blaming each other. That's the beauty of accountability. Now that you're all grown up, you can't blame anyone but yourself.

I'm back in the couch, still slumped and exhausted in every way a person can be exhausted. I hate to admit it, but my mom's right. I do miss the days when I HAVE to go to school.

Cleaning out my Closet

People have different ways of dealing with painful pasts, unforgettable occasions and glorious moments. They frame it, they hide it away or display their magnificent trophies.

In this season of perpetual hope, I thought it'd be a good time to clean my room and rid it of all unnecessary things. My room speaks volumes about it. It's chaotic and there are boxes you're not suppose to open if you don't want your innocence taken away from you.

As I set out on the almost impossible task of downsizing the volume of junk, it became a trip to memory lane instead. Pictures of old friends and stuff in high school that I'd rather forget, old comic books I failed to return, PS1 games I've spent countless hours trying to perfect, love letters I never gave out (which is a good thing), review materials for the board exam (I've never seen it until now), the small pillow Che gave me (the old c-cube sleeping days, I'm keeping this), unfinished documents on how to solve world hunger (the whole plan is dependent on having the whole of England converted into a farming land), a stack of FHM magazines (a lot of issues missing thanks to Ryan, the compulsive liar), cellphone accessories that I never got to use, Ragnarok prepaid cards, cellphone prepaid cards, ball caps I never use (my hair is sensitive), a damaged pellet gun, oil pastels, rusty dumbbells (that explains a lot), figurines you keep getting during exchange gifts (good for target practice), unused condoms (I hope I don't have a kid somewhere), a corked test tube of stolen potassium permanganate (the stain makes your skin look bruised), used up batteries (worth a fortune) and finally a number of insect eggs.

Every thing's tidy now... Yet I couldn't help but feel that I threw out a few of my memories along with it.

The Dancing Queen will Return

It sickens me that people like you get to decide the fate of so many. While the mindless sheep have forgotten what you have done, some of us will not be swayed. You betrayed the country and as Judas gave Christ a kiss, you sealed your betrayal with a dance of joy.

It sickens me that while I know I'm right, because of the public's ignorance, you might actually have a chance to grab power once again. And so you plot and scheme to get on the good side of people. I am on to you. And as powerless as I am to stop you from your plans, I will make sure that the public be reminded of your sins before they cast their vote.

MSG on my Mind

My brother celebrated his birthday today, I still can't believe we're pushing 20's when it comes to age. I feel like I've lost so much time doing absolutely nothing. The feast in front of me gives a numbing effect to whatever I was contemplating at that particular time. I guess MSG has its good points too.

Chinese food is just not the same without MSG. It feels so much like diet coke. Cheeseburger without the cheese and hotdogs without mustard. I know what you're thinking. The last example may seem a little bit weird for you. Very few people have the ability to actually like mustard.

As I'm trying to drown out the MSG with a good glass of red wine (I've been having far too many this week), I can't help but feel like a drunkard trying to find solutions at the bottom of the glass. I still have no clue as to what my next move is. Lets hope I figure it out before I consume the whole bottle.

Forced Early Retirement

There comes a time in a man's life when he lays down his sword to pursue a more enlightening path of self-evaluation and appraisal. All my life, I've always known that retirement was the number one killer of our aged population. People tend to live longer if they have a job to do. These days when I don't have a job, I tend to think that my health is getting the better of me. Perhaps I should start filling in those quiet moments with loud music.

The problem with prayer and meditation is that you start longing for the afterlife and brings out a lot of issues you have yet to deal with in this world. The future, as uncertain as it is, becomes more complicated if you start to assess your situation prematurely as if your life is on a turning point. If you're not careful, you'll fall into a helpless pit of self loathing or pity.

I must find something to work on soon, but I don't want to go back in the dark again.

A Rebel without a Cause

"I've been violated!" It's amazing what a woman's cry for help can do to a lot of people. It only goes to show that Filipinos, for the most part, are still chivalrous in nature even if most people claim that times have changed. We still cling to an old habit that he who cries first is the victim. Our sense of justice is based on the impeccable ability to convince everyone that an injustice was brought upon you with only your tears as proof.

I am an adamant believer that women should be given due respect as equals and at times, as superiors. A damsel in distress, in this country, is given the benefit of the doubt when crimes are presented to the media and general public. Times have changed. A damsel in distress may not be a victim after all.

Before you go around in public burning flags and pointing at government officials for their lack of support, I urge you to examine the evidence first. We should not be so narrow-minded to side with a woman just because she claims she has been violated and the alleged suspects happen to be Americans. Their race can be capable of monstrous acts, but so are we.

Let's be honest with ourselves. Any self-respecting woman would not join a group of rowdy men whether they're foreign or local. We all know what type of job entrails that kind of service and no one even questioned it. Of course her family will never admit it and the media wouldn't dare ask the question. A proud parent would never say, "My daughter is a whore and I'm not ashamed of it."

So please, stop waiving your sign boards. Stop your protesting as if you're protecting your country's dignity. You're making a fool of yourself for ignoring the truth. If you're still wondering why the government has not pledged their support, it's simple. They must remain impartial. That's how justice works. This country has to stop the mob mentality. You can't change things by going to the streets with a handful of rebels looking for a cause to shout out. The day we loose faith in justice is the day we loose it.

I'm William Wallace

I found myself this afternoon reading a piece of testimonial I wrote for the shark. Not exactly wall of weird material. The thing is, I don't remember writing it.

It was short enough, written in Scottish accent. You may not be familiar with it but, if you know the shark, you can visit her friendster account and just see for yourself.

Remember how Mel Gibson portrayed William Wallace, the great legend in Braveheart? The whole testimonial was written and spelled exactly how the Scots would say it.

It's amazing what the mind can perceive when its inhibitions are removed and all the voices in his head comes out in a weird writing frenzy.

Don't ever let me drink alcohol again. The mind is a very fragile thing...