The Things I never Got to Say

I know you're taken, I've heard you the first time. I try to look away but my senses can't get enough of you. I tried to be casual about it but everything's in overdrive when you're near or when I feel your presence. I'm not making any sense and I'm not sure if your actions warrant such an attention. An intangible part of me yearns for you. Yearns to be with you.

I know I'm wasting my time when I can be with someone who actually wants to be with me but my sense of logic is overwhelmed because I've fallen. You do know how it feels to fall, do you? Gravity pulls you to the ground and you have no control over the situation. The only thing you can do is hope that someone catches you or you die a horrific death.

I know you'll never see that you deserve something more. Something more than a mediocre feeling of familiarity and a sense of fear for change. I've seen the way he looks at you. He stares as if he's wondering why he's even there. I've seen the same look in people attending weddings where they don't know anyone. I kept thinking how he could ignore you when you're together when I can't take my eyes off you. You defend him when he's being selfish and you tell me that you're used to it. Like a slave who has become numb from the taskmaster's whip, you don't even flinch at the pain. I bleed because you ignore it completely.

I know I'm not good at hiding my disappoint for you. Forgive me. This is the only way i know how. The only way not to love you is to hate you. Hate you for ignoring me during the times I felt I needed your warmth. Hate you for casually putting me aside when I've raised you at the pedestal. Hate the way you cancel on me when all I did the whole time was wait on you. It's my fault. I shouldn't expect anything anyway.

I'm exhausted. Waiting for you when you're not coming is exhausting. Showing you that you can have more is exhausting. Treating you like a Goddess when you treat me like crap is exhausting. But trying to hate you.... is the most exhausting thing I've done so far. So please understand when I pull away and just disappear.

I'm sorry I loved you.