Crazy Pig Lady

It's amazing what people are fighting for these days. Just the other week, I heard about this P.A.W.S. representative asking for donations. Donations for feeds. Feeds for pigs that were scheduled to be killed. Now, I'm a lover of God's creatures but this is ri-goddamn-diculous.

Anna Cabrera, wake up! Do you realize how stupid you sound by asking for such things? Hundreds of Filipinos, people who have nothing to eat, die everyday due to malnutrition or bad health and you're asking me to donate feeds for your dead end cause? Has your organization nothing better to do than ask the government to spend MY hard-earned taxes on special guns that will "humanely" slaughter these pigs? What's next? Tombstones? Crutches for crippled crows?

People have lost their basic understanding of what is right and wrong and their warped, albeit mislead conscience is leading them to a very disturbing place. I hope that P.A.W.S. will come up with a better agenda to spend their time on because this is just plain stupid.

My Calm Surrender

I wake a few hours after midnight with a heightened sense of fatigue. A long phonecall cut my sleeping time short. I've resigned to the fact that people will only see me as convenient shoulder to cry on and nothing more. When the phonecalls stop, my name is lost in the deep bowels of their phone book.

I brush my teeth trying not to look at the guy in front of the mirror. I'm starting to loathe him for what he has become. I've resigned to the fact that I may not smile today despite my rigorous brushing. Apart from an obligatory happy face that I wear in the office, I see no reason for me to give it essence or substance. A hallow smile should be good enough for show.

I take a bath with my head tilted down. The flowing water reminds me of all the wasted tears I shouldn't have shed. An offering of tears mean nothing more than an inexpensive show of weakness when given to a person who doesn't really give a damn. I've resigned to the fact that my weakness for such people only reflect my flaws tenfold and that my inability to ascertain their real value means my ideals have degraded a great deal.

I dress up grabbing whatever shirt was on top. I've resigned to the fact that no matter how good I think I look, it's never going to be enough to turn heads or leave an impression that exceeds 5 seconds. Looking good has never been my priority and I thought that superficial tangibles are for shallow people. Apparently, it will always be a factor despite women's claim that it doesn't matter to them.

I arrive early at work. A deep sigh always finds its way after I slump lazily to the wall facing the office entrance. I'm always an hour early to avoid rushing things. I've resigned to the fact that my vigilance may not be appreciated or needed at this point. Lyrics to a song holds true that "I'm not always there when you call, but I'm always on time".

I work my butt off. I try to focus on getting the job done early as there is always extra work popping up. People will always depend on you despite the fact that they already know what needs to be done. I've resigned to the fact that despite my importance in the greater scheme of things, they will never promote me because I've become too good at what I do. People below me will move up and it breaks my heart when they come to me for help when they're suppose to be better than me.

I go home and start over. I try to rest and muster the strength to do things all over again when the morning comes. At this time, phone calls come in from people who need me to fix their problems. I've resigned to the fact that no matter how many hours of sleep I lose, people will assume that I have nothing to do tomorrow and that it's okay to keep me on the line. They won't take my advice regardless of how good and logical it is. They've already decided on a course of action which I know will lead them to more pain. It's a vicious cycle and I'm part of it. Though I never get anything out of it, they include me nonetheless.

I'm stuck in a loop. Without you, I find the days all the same. It's better than being with you and go on hurting but it all seems mundane if you're not around. I hope something happens soon. This standstill is making me jittery. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

The Things I never Got to Say

I know you're taken, I've heard you the first time. I try to look away but my senses can't get enough of you. I tried to be casual about it but everything's in overdrive when you're near or when I feel your presence. I'm not making any sense and I'm not sure if your actions warrant such an attention. An intangible part of me yearns for you. Yearns to be with you.

I know I'm wasting my time when I can be with someone who actually wants to be with me but my sense of logic is overwhelmed because I've fallen. You do know how it feels to fall, do you? Gravity pulls you to the ground and you have no control over the situation. The only thing you can do is hope that someone catches you or you die a horrific death.

I know you'll never see that you deserve something more. Something more than a mediocre feeling of familiarity and a sense of fear for change. I've seen the way he looks at you. He stares as if he's wondering why he's even there. I've seen the same look in people attending weddings where they don't know anyone. I kept thinking how he could ignore you when you're together when I can't take my eyes off you. You defend him when he's being selfish and you tell me that you're used to it. Like a slave who has become numb from the taskmaster's whip, you don't even flinch at the pain. I bleed because you ignore it completely.

I know I'm not good at hiding my disappoint for you. Forgive me. This is the only way i know how. The only way not to love you is to hate you. Hate you for ignoring me during the times I felt I needed your warmth. Hate you for casually putting me aside when I've raised you at the pedestal. Hate the way you cancel on me when all I did the whole time was wait on you. It's my fault. I shouldn't expect anything anyway.

I'm exhausted. Waiting for you when you're not coming is exhausting. Showing you that you can have more is exhausting. Treating you like a Goddess when you treat me like crap is exhausting. But trying to hate you.... is the most exhausting thing I've done so far. So please understand when I pull away and just disappear.

I'm sorry I loved you.

Damaged Goods

I'm damaged. I constantly talk to myself to drown out all the other voices that keep reminding me how my life should go and what I should do.

I'm damaged. I've given my heart to so many, there's barely enough to keep me going. Whoever said to have loved and lost is better than not to love at all was full of crap. I've got nothing to show for it except scars and a jaded outlook of love.

I'm damaged. I'm working so I could support my medical needs and scavenge what's left of my social life. If I saw this coming, I would've gone Ghandi and starve my ass to death.

I'm damaged. I constantly pray to God that He reveal my purpose on this earth so I could finish it and go back to heaven. The silence is louder than the voices in my head. I would've been more comfortable if He said I were to lead a flock of idiots and drown them in the red sea.

I'm damaged. I keep falling for women who are emotionally unavailable. They're too scared to move on despite the fact that they're generally ignored and treated like an ornament or a trophy. Complacency should be a sin.

I'm damaged. I give out good advices to other people yet I don't have answers to my own problems. The whole "wounded healer" role doesn't really help me at all. Every time I console someone, they take a piece of me. Their tears have left me dilapidated like a used tissue paper. I feel like I've carried their burden and my soul mourns for their pain. When they've moved on, I'm left bearing their chains.

I'm damaged. I've stopped celebrating my birthdays because nothing good ever happens. Every time I ask someone special to go with me, I always get stood up or canceled. It's not that I didn't expect it, I just hate the fact that I keep on hoping that it'll be different this time. Maybe I was meant to be alone. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe people just don't give a shit.

I'm damaged. I feel great envy when I look at babies. They've got no worries and they suck up all the love from the people around them. They sleep so soundly because they know they're loved. I'd give anything to feel their bliss.

I'm irreparably damaged. I feel pity for myself but I'm too proud to cry, too stubborn to change and too tired to care. I'm always gonna be picked last, sometimes I don't get picked at all and most of the times I'm not even on the list. Good guys finish last, huh? If that's the way it is, I'm not gonna run at all. Just tell me when its over so I can shake hands with the asshole that finished first. You probably picked that asshole. He's probably your boyfriend. I wouldn't be surprised.

Malaya ba Talaga Ako?

Independence day ngayon kaya naisipan kong ilathala ang storyang ito sa Tagalog. Ang kalayaan natin bilang isang bansa ay pinagbayaran ng pawis at dugo ng mga ninuno natin. Pag nakita nila tayo ngayon, masasabi kaya nila na sulit ang kanilang ibinuwis kapalit ng kanilang buhay? Naging malaya ba talaga tayo?

Buwis (tax). Buwan-buwan tayong nagbabayad nito pero kung saan ito ginagamit at kung kanino napupunta ay hindi sinasabi sa atin. Sa tuwing makakakita ka ng lubak sa daan, sirang pampublikong pasilidad, nabubulok na gusali at sangkatutak na red tape sa mga ahensya ng gobyerno, iisipin mo kung kulang pa ba ang binibigay mo para mapaayos ang bansa. Tuwing makakakita ka ng kongresistang sakay ng magarang kotse, opisyal na nasa Las Vegas tuwing laban ni Pacquiao, sign board na may mukha ng pulitiko, iisipin mo kung kaninong sweldo ang nagpondo sa mga yun.

Utang (debt). Di ka pa pinapanganak, sangkaterba na ang utang mo. Di ka na maka-ahon sa hirap ng buhay at ang perang nakukuha mo ay pambayad na lang sa utang ng nakaraan. Buong buhay mo, pilit mo itong binubura pero parang pati si Superman kalaban mo. Bigyan ka man ng gobyerno ngayon ng limang daang piso dahil nagtipid ka sa kuryente, hanggang saan ka dadalhin nuon? Tuwing lilingon ka, tumataas ang presyo ng mga bilihin, pamasahe pero ang sweldo mo nung 1980 pa ang halaga. Tatagal ka pa kaya?

Hustisya (justice). Parang lata na ng sardinas ang mga piitan at kulungan natin pero mga small time pa rin ang mga nakakulong. Malayang gumagala ang mga mandarambong, mamamatay tao at haragan ng lipunan. Pwede kang makulong pero ang mga mayayaman ay merong rest house sa Tanay na pwedeng tirahan. Kahit ilang beses mo silang ihabla at iharap sa korte ay biglang dadami ang mga sakit nila para 'di sumipot. Abo na ang bangkay ng pinanghihingan mo ng hustisya pero nakatengga lang sa courthouse ang kaso mo. Sisigaw ka ng rape para mapagtakpan mo ang kahihiyan mo dahil alam mong ang bayan natin ay mababaw ang luha para sa mga iyakin. Maraming sisigaw para sa iyo, tama kaya ang mga prinsipyo nila?

Pag Ibig (love). Pwede mong mahalin ang kahit sino pero dapat may itsura sya at may pera. 'Di na baleng matagal na kayong may pagtingin sa isa't-isa dahil kung hindi ka nya kayang buhayin ay wala rin syang silbi. Kelangan magustuhan din sya ng mga magulang, kaibigan, kapit bahay at katrabaho dahil importante ang imahe para sa 'yo. Pwede kang tumanggap ng regalo kahit na kailanmay 'di mo susuklian ng pansin. Magkaka-anak kayo ng pinili mong tropeong asawa pero 'di ka na nya susuyuin tulad ng dati. Makikita mo na lang syang may kasamang iba o amoy babae pag uwi. Tama kaya ang pinili mo?

Malaya ka na nga. Nakakapagreklamo ka na eh. Anong ginagawa mo sa kalayaang yan? Ipapahawak mo ba sa iba? Gagamitin mo para pumili ng mali? Sa paggamit mo nito, naaapakan mo ba ang kalayaan ng iba? Malaya ka ba talaga?

Farewell

Three years have passed and yet it seemed shorter than a week. Months of trying to reach you in vain, waiting on the other end of the line, praying to hear your voice. I have failed. Months sending you mail and messages in all forms, waiting for a short greeting or a sign that you've received my letters. I have failed. One day to travel miles just to see you and talk to you. I have failed.

In my endeavors to find you, I have found only disappointment and a stinging loneliness that even the deafening laughter of friends around me cannot dowse. In my efforts to cling to my eroding feelings for you, I have bled myself dry. Do I mean so little to you? Am I not worth a minute of your time? You're busy, I know. I am too. I see all these pictures of you in all the fun places doing all the fun things and all I can think about is that you didn't even think of me for a second. Am I selfish to think that? Do I ask so much?

No. I'm tired of trying to defend you and your actions. I deserve better than being ignored. When I sought out to find you and end it all, I asked God if I was doing the right thing. I got my answer. God guided me to the one place I would find you and I didn't even make a wrong turn anywhere. I stood on your doorstep and knocked. I got no response and I walked away. I didn't need an answer. Maybe I got used to the blank response I always got from you. I owed myself that trip. The part of me that loves you. Now I know how much effort you'll put on my account. Now I know how I rank in the scheme of things. Now I know what part I play in your life. It's the same amount as the response I got when I knocked on your door.

When I woke up the next morning, I was still lonely. But now, I don't have to be tied up or held back. I no longer set any limits for myself. Now, I can live without carrying the burden of a one sided relationship. I thank you for teaching me a lesson I will not soon forget. I thank you for what love you've shown me. Now I must say farewell.

Somewhere I belong

I miss the sea and the red sky as it heralds the new day. I've been meaning to get out of the city again and see the place I grew up in.

Unngoy sa Siyudad

Sa tagal ng pamamalagi ko sa kalye papuntang eskwelahan noon at sa trabaho ngayon, sa tingin ko'y namalagi ako sa pampublikong sasakyan ng mahigit 10 taon. Hilig ko talaga ang pagbiyahe at ang pag-commute sa kalakhang Maynila ay isa sa mga maliit na kaligayahan na aking tinatamasa sa araw-araw. Ngunit gaano man ang hilig ko dito, hindi maiiwasang meron din mga tao na sisira ng magandang karanasang ito. Sa talakayang ito, itatawag natin silang mga Unggoy sa Siyudad. Mga taong nag-aasal hayop!

Unggoy sa hagdanan. Kung madalas kang sumakay ng pampublikong tren ay makakakita ka nito. May mga lubid na nakapalibot sa mga hagdanan upang igabay ang pila ng mga taong gustong sumakay. Pero ano ito? May tumatawid sa mga lubid! At minsan, matatamaan o mahahagip ka pa ng mga naglulundagang mga unggoy! Dugyot na ang barong na suot mo. Madungis na ang itim mong pantalon na kinaingat-ingatan mong huwag maapakan at madumihan. Sira na ang araw mo, sira pa ang porma mong disente sana.

Unggoy Libre. Iba talaga ang epekto ng salitang "libre" para sa mga Pilipino. Parang wala nang bukas at di bale nang ikaw lang ang makinabang dito. Hindi ko alam kong bakit pati libreng periodiko ay kelangang kunin ng tig-iisang dangkal. Magbabago ba ang balita sa bawat kopyang kunin mo? Wala pang alas-siyete ng umaga, ubos na ang libre. Diyata't naubos ng mga unggoy.

Unggoy Rehas. Ewan ko ba kung bakit ang unang rehas sa pinto ng tren ay syang paboritong kapitan ng mga unggoy. 'Di naman sila lalabas ng maaga. Palagay ko ay dahil sa pintuang bumubukas at sumasarado mag-isa kung bakit hilig nilang tambayan ito. Babara sila sa lahat ng gustong pumasok at lumabas. Kakapit sila ng madiin na parang tuko, 'wag lang mawala sa puwesto! Siguradong gusot-gusot ang damit mo na parang galing ng sampayan pagdaan mo sa kanila.

Unggoy Reyna. Sa lahat ng uri ng sasakyan, meron kang makikita nito. Nakaupo ito ng patagilid. Nakaharap sa bintana at tila walang pakialam sa iba pang gustong umupo! Ito ang mga tipong nasanay sumakay ng nag-iisa. Huwag 'mong susubukang makiupo kung ayaw mong matitigan ng masama!

Unggoy Hari. Syempre, di patatalo ang hari. Nakaupo ito ng diretso at nakabukaka ng todo upang ipagyabang ang kanyang pagiging hari. Ayaw nya ng may katabi! At pag nagtabi sila ng reyna, 4 na katao ang sakop nila! Naku, puno na pala ang sasakyan, sa susunod na jeep na lang po, mamang driver!

Unggoy Usok. Kahit ilang panawagan na ang meron sa telebisyon o sa dyaryo at sa mismong pakete ng yosi, madami pa ring nalululong sa bisyo na ito. Ok lang sana kung sila lang ang nakalalanghap. Kung talagang masarap magyosi, bakit nyo pa binubuga? Di ba dapat, hithit na lang ng hithit? Para sa mga hindi nakakaalam, ang pagyoyosi sa pampublikong sasakyan ay labag sa batas. At hindi rin totoo yung commercial na pag nakiusap ka eh, titigil sila. Baka nga mapaaway ka pa eh.

Unggoy Dura. Ilag! Baka tamaan ka ng lumilipad na sipon! Dito ka lang ata makakakita ng taong dumudura sa kalye. Kung hindi ka alisto ay siguradong tatamaan ka at baka kailangan mo nang sunugin ang suot mo para hindi mahawa. Malas mo lalo kung nasa sasakyan sila at ikaw ay nataon na lumalakad sa bangketa. Hindi lang pantalon mo ang maaring masapul.

Hindi lang yan ang mga unggoy na makikita mo sa siyudad. Pero marami pa rin namang natitirang tao. Pag laon kasi ng panahon, dahil nakasanayan na ang mali, nagiging tama. Hangga't may pumupuna, hindi mangyayari iyon. Ipagpatuloy nating pansinin ang mga mali para maituwid at di pamarisan ng ibang tao. Hindi ka maarte kung nasa tama ka. At wala ka sa tama kung ang tanging dahilan mo lang ay ginagawa rin ito ng iba. Kung mahal mo ang Pilipinas, hindi mo hahayaang maubos ang tao dito at mapalitan ng mga unggoy. Kumilos ka. Makialam. Yun lang.... Wala akong sponsors kaya wala ng kasunod.... Salamat po.

Back to School

"One day, you'll miss going to school", my mom says while I lay in the couch slumped like a drunken college boy. At that moment, I could think of a thousand reasons why she's wrong. The zits alone make up ten and it complicates a high school kid's life on so many different levels.

While I stand in the train station waiting to be whisked away to work, I felt envy for the young students making their way to school. I never thought I'd look back and wish I was back in those days where life was so much simple.

You don't have to worry about money. There seems to be an abundant source of it and you don't have to worry where it comes from or who gives it to you. As an adult, you realize it comes from blood and sweat. It kind of makes me feel guilty for all the smoothies and fish balls I embellished on back when I was young. It's amazing that back then, those were considered a luxury.

You don't have to study all the time. When you're a gifted audio learner like I am (ahem), you don't have to write stuff on your notebook or read like the rest of the bunch. You just listen to the lectures and after the tests, you see that you might have missed one or two things. When you get to college, all the readings and notes you have will be worth nothing against your professor's confusing way of delivering the question and giving you a whole set of choices that seem to fit in. You suddenly feel like Madam Auring trying to guess the right answer with all the cameras pointed at you. Why can't someone come up with a test that has the "connect the dots" theme on it?

Good friends. The friends you had in high school are probably the only real friends you'll ever have. College friends get you into trouble, and work buddies are good until after office hours. You can forget faces you met in college and at work, but you'll never forget who sat beside you in 5th grade trying to peek at your test paper.

The Teachers. You keep wondering why it's important that you know stuff about things you won't really need in real life like trigonometry and physics (at this point, its becoming apparent that I hated math). And yet, when I'm trying to decipher my pay slip, I feel thankful somebody took the time to teach taxation, even after school hours, to someone like me who doesn't like to crunch the numbers. When you're in the real world, no one will bother to sit down and explain things to you. Not unless she (or worse, he) finds you cute.

Spare time. You seem to run out of this as you grow older. Back in the school days, we always run out of things to do. We've finished our homework. We've played 'till we're drop dead tired. All our TV shows are finished. You've already called your crush and asked lame questions like "what's for dinner at your house?". When you look at the clock, there still some time to kill. After work and the long commute home, I often look at the clock and wonder who put the time on fast forward.

Responsibility. You can't be held liable for your actions when you were a kid. Instead of blaming you, the adults would most likely end up blaming each other. That's the beauty of accountability. Now that you're all grown up, you can't blame anyone but yourself.

I'm back in the couch, still slumped and exhausted in every way a person can be exhausted. I hate to admit it, but my mom's right. I do miss the days when I HAVE to go to school.

Cleaning out my Closet

People have different ways of dealing with painful pasts, unforgettable occasions and glorious moments. They frame it, they hide it away or display their magnificent trophies.

In this season of perpetual hope, I thought it'd be a good time to clean my room and rid it of all unnecessary things. My room speaks volumes about it. It's chaotic and there are boxes you're not suppose to open if you don't want your innocence taken away from you.

As I set out on the almost impossible task of downsizing the volume of junk, it became a trip to memory lane instead. Pictures of old friends and stuff in high school that I'd rather forget, old comic books I failed to return, PS1 games I've spent countless hours trying to perfect, love letters I never gave out (which is a good thing), review materials for the board exam (I've never seen it until now), the small pillow Che gave me (the old c-cube sleeping days, I'm keeping this), unfinished documents on how to solve world hunger (the whole plan is dependent on having the whole of England converted into a farming land), a stack of FHM magazines (a lot of issues missing thanks to Ryan, the compulsive liar), cellphone accessories that I never got to use, Ragnarok prepaid cards, cellphone prepaid cards, ball caps I never use (my hair is sensitive), a damaged pellet gun, oil pastels, rusty dumbbells (that explains a lot), figurines you keep getting during exchange gifts (good for target practice), unused condoms (I hope I don't have a kid somewhere), a corked test tube of stolen potassium permanganate (the stain makes your skin look bruised), used up batteries (worth a fortune) and finally a number of insect eggs.

Every thing's tidy now... Yet I couldn't help but feel that I threw out a few of my memories along with it.

The Dancing Queen will Return

It sickens me that people like you get to decide the fate of so many. While the mindless sheep have forgotten what you have done, some of us will not be swayed. You betrayed the country and as Judas gave Christ a kiss, you sealed your betrayal with a dance of joy.

It sickens me that while I know I'm right, because of the public's ignorance, you might actually have a chance to grab power once again. And so you plot and scheme to get on the good side of people. I am on to you. And as powerless as I am to stop you from your plans, I will make sure that the public be reminded of your sins before they cast their vote.

MSG on my Mind

My brother celebrated his birthday today, I still can't believe we're pushing 20's when it comes to age. I feel like I've lost so much time doing absolutely nothing. The feast in front of me gives a numbing effect to whatever I was contemplating at that particular time. I guess MSG has its good points too.

Chinese food is just not the same without MSG. It feels so much like diet coke. Cheeseburger without the cheese and hotdogs without mustard. I know what you're thinking. The last example may seem a little bit weird for you. Very few people have the ability to actually like mustard.

As I'm trying to drown out the MSG with a good glass of red wine (I've been having far too many this week), I can't help but feel like a drunkard trying to find solutions at the bottom of the glass. I still have no clue as to what my next move is. Lets hope I figure it out before I consume the whole bottle.

Forced Early Retirement

There comes a time in a man's life when he lays down his sword to pursue a more enlightening path of self-evaluation and appraisal. All my life, I've always known that retirement was the number one killer of our aged population. People tend to live longer if they have a job to do. These days when I don't have a job, I tend to think that my health is getting the better of me. Perhaps I should start filling in those quiet moments with loud music.

The problem with prayer and meditation is that you start longing for the afterlife and brings out a lot of issues you have yet to deal with in this world. The future, as uncertain as it is, becomes more complicated if you start to assess your situation prematurely as if your life is on a turning point. If you're not careful, you'll fall into a helpless pit of self loathing or pity.

I must find something to work on soon, but I don't want to go back in the dark again.

A Rebel without a Cause

"I've been violated!" It's amazing what a woman's cry for help can do to a lot of people. It only goes to show that Filipinos, for the most part, are still chivalrous in nature even if most people claim that times have changed. We still cling to an old habit that he who cries first is the victim. Our sense of justice is based on the impeccable ability to convince everyone that an injustice was brought upon you with only your tears as proof.

I am an adamant believer that women should be given due respect as equals and at times, as superiors. A damsel in distress, in this country, is given the benefit of the doubt when crimes are presented to the media and general public. Times have changed. A damsel in distress may not be a victim after all.

Before you go around in public burning flags and pointing at government officials for their lack of support, I urge you to examine the evidence first. We should not be so narrow-minded to side with a woman just because she claims she has been violated and the alleged suspects happen to be Americans. Their race can be capable of monstrous acts, but so are we.

Let's be honest with ourselves. Any self-respecting woman would not join a group of rowdy men whether they're foreign or local. We all know what type of job entrails that kind of service and no one even questioned it. Of course her family will never admit it and the media wouldn't dare ask the question. A proud parent would never say, "My daughter is a whore and I'm not ashamed of it."

So please, stop waiving your sign boards. Stop your protesting as if you're protecting your country's dignity. You're making a fool of yourself for ignoring the truth. If you're still wondering why the government has not pledged their support, it's simple. They must remain impartial. That's how justice works. This country has to stop the mob mentality. You can't change things by going to the streets with a handful of rebels looking for a cause to shout out. The day we loose faith in justice is the day we loose it.

I'm William Wallace

I found myself this afternoon reading a piece of testimonial I wrote for the shark. Not exactly wall of weird material. The thing is, I don't remember writing it.

It was short enough, written in Scottish accent. You may not be familiar with it but, if you know the shark, you can visit her friendster account and just see for yourself.

Remember how Mel Gibson portrayed William Wallace, the great legend in Braveheart? The whole testimonial was written and spelled exactly how the Scots would say it.

It's amazing what the mind can perceive when its inhibitions are removed and all the voices in his head comes out in a weird writing frenzy.

Don't ever let me drink alcohol again. The mind is a very fragile thing...

Daywalker

Being a resident of a society that dwell in the light of the moon, I have become a pale reflection of the man I used to be. I've gained insight, understanding and a profound appreciation of the shadow and all of its inhabitants. In the dark, a sliver of light became a call to rest. The setting of the sun, a call to wake and ready one's self. The nocturnal way of life is a path not so easily diverted. The hold of darkness is strong.

As I see old friends who walk the daylight, they greet me as they set to earn their keep. I give them an expressionless stare. A smile devoid of warmth and sincerity. My drooping eyelids can barely stay adrift as I exchange pleasantries, scripted, as if quoting lines from an old movie. I started to envy them as they walk away with a bewildered look on their face as if saying, "what happened to him?"

Although the dark holds many indulgences of the flesh, my health suffers as I stay to partake of it's pleasures. A slow decay is not part of my grand scheme of things, now I struggle to break free.

Thoughts of a Peaceful Past

My eyes fell as fatigue took over my senses and I found myself adrift a familiar place.

I've been here before. The muffled sounds outside the glass and the faceless strangers that walk past me. The intoxicating smell of brewed beans and cinnamon I know all too well.

I'm in the mall. Starbucks, 2nd floor. For an outsider, it might seem an unusual place for man to seek refuge from bondage. For my kindred souls who have seen and endured the wounds of battle, it is not so unlikely.

I pick up a good book and sip from the elixir of life. This is how peace should be. Peace is to have the luxury of time to savor every molecule the palate can fathom. To immerse yourself with the emotion of the author's words as you picture every scene, every detail. To share every breath you take with woman you love....

Okay, so maybe there was no girl last time I was there. I'm allowed to change the scene.

I woke up confused. Why can't I have sex dreams like everybody else? Am I so deviated from the norms that even my dreams don't conform?

One of these days, I shall go back to rekindle the peace. 'Till then, I'm off to war.

Tales of a Jaded Representative

I think I've heard it all. It's not surprising that a race that wallow in superiority complex would think that they can outsmart every one else with their outrageous stories and mundane excuses. They swim in their own fluids, drunk with too much democracy and diluted with the illusion that they are entitled for everything but not for consequences and responsibilities.

I didn't receive my bill.
It's funny how they don't receive their bill but get the free coupons and discounted checks in the mail. I doubt that the postal service is selective about these things. Not to mention the fact that these things are registered. They're fortunate that we're not allowed to tell them what a big fat liar they are. With the number of calls that we receive with this problem, you would think that the postal service was still in it's pony express days. I've seen mailmen work, they're as dedicated as they come.

Why are you charging me with this?
For a super power, a whole lot of them don't really read anything. It wouldn't hurt to check the fine print before enclosing your signature. If you were dealing with the devil, a lot of these people would've lost their soul. A lot of their questions are actually answered just by reading. I guess I should be thankfull. If they woke up smarter, I would lose my job.

I'm entitled to---
They've read their rights. Hurray. They left out their responsibilities. Not surprised. Where else would you see a smoker win against a cigarette company because they didn't say smoking was bad. Where else would you see someone win against a fastfood chain because they got scalded with hot coffee saying the cup was not properly labeled or because they got too fat from eating burgers and fries. Where else would you get a lawsuit because you tried to help a dying man. They know their rights. Apparently, that's all they know.

My excuse is---
They may not be all that bright. But when it comes to excuses, they're infinitely prolific. Some are well thought out but still, some others are insulting. They will throw everything including the kitchen sink to get away with something or to get what they want.
"I threw out my bill. Technically, I never received it. Waive my fees."
"You need to talk to my mother for this?? Alright..... Hello, this is Mary." (mans voice immitating a womans)
"My dog ate my bill."--- classic kindergarten excuse
"I didn't know you have to pay the bill monthly."
"Why is there an interest with your credit card? I wasn't informed of this!"
"I tried to pay my bill (credit card), but your system won't accept my credit card (same card)." follow up question: " That's not allowed? That's stupid. Let me talk to your supervisor!"
"I sent my payment today, why are you saying you haven't received it? Don't you dare charge me a late fee!"

NOT EXCUSES BUT STILL FUNNY AS HELL:
Man: "Your TV says it's cable ready and yet I'm not getting any channels!"
Agent: "Do you have a cable subscription? Have you checked with them?"
Man: "I don't have cable subscription, I don't have to. Your TV says its cable ready!"

Man: "I've had it with your computer company! I've been trying to find this key and it's not in your $%# keyboard!"
Agent: "Which key are you looking for, sir?"
Man: "It says on my screen Press any key. Where is the any key???"

Woman calls 1-800 number for an eletric company
Woman: "Hello. You've got to help me, my neighbor's house is on fire!"
Agent: "Ma'am, you should call 911 emergency. We can't call them for you."
Woman: "I don't know their number, yours is the only one I know off hand!"

Agent has been trying to pull up account for customer...
Agent: "Sir, I do apologize but the account number you gave me is invalid."
Man: "That's $%$#$%^^&. You're not doing it right."
Agent: "When did you establish service with us?"
Man: "Long ago. I've been with ____ (different company) for many years."
Agent: "Sir, you're calling ____ (company name)."
Man: "But all you electric companies are the same, can't you pull up my account? Their lines are busy!"

Agent assisting customer with software installation...
Agent: "Ok sir, you have to insert the CD in the CD-ROM drive. It's in your CPU, the top portion that ejects a tray."
Man: ".........Oh. You mean the cup holder??"

I'll post some more when I get the time. Until then, may your calls be sane and coherent. May the good Lord guide your hand and prevent you from releasing your calls. Jaded as I may be, I still love my job. I hope you share the same fervor with your work.

Darker and Better

I picked up a new blog template for my articles. The color seems to fit the gloomy details that are enclosed in this small box of thoughts.

In any case, I've failed to keep my unorganized thoughts from smearing the pages of this blog for quite sometime. I pray for better fortunes in the future.

To the Only Woman I'll Never stop Loving

She never really understood me. She only sees her side. She thinks it's all about her.

We fight a lot. We couldn't be in the same room at one point.

I tried so hard to please her all my life, I forgot how to do things for myself. Tried to live her dream and forgot my own.

every time I'd get frustrated, I'd blame it on the times she wasn't there for me. Blamed it on her when she was too clingy.

She used to do a lot of things for me. Now she acts like she doesn't care anymore.

I realized one day no one could love me more than she could.

She didn't understood me because I never found the time to talk to her.

We fight because she gets frustrated and she expects more from me.

I didn't know. Her dream was for me. She didn't want me to live with the same regret she had. She was thinking of my happiness.

When I blamed her, it was like driving a dagger through her heart. I hurt her badly and without a just cause.

She stopped doting me because I failed to return the favor.

Yet despite my selfishness, she continued to show her affection. She stood by my side when I was at my weakest. She was there when I bled and she wept as if the pain was hers.

The women that broke my heart, I treated like a goddesses. I treated her with neglect when all she did was love me right from the start.

I have mended my ways. I will never look at yesterday with regret again. You will always be the only woman I'll never stop loving. And despite what I've done in the past, you've never looked at me different. I'm still your baby. In your eyes, I never really grew up. I understand that now. I love you mom. Happy mothers day!