A New Life from the Scraps of Yesterday

Has it been that long since I've seen a smile on my face? I gave the stranger in the mirror a bewildered look as if trying to discern his thoughts and his motives. Was yesterday that long that I can't recall anything? Did my life lose its meaning up until now?

In my search for answers, I only found more questions. In my search for truth, I found lies. In the pursuit of happiness, I've felt nothing but pain. In my attempt to gain riches of this earth, I have reaped thorns and thistles. Thinking God has played a cruel joke on me, I tried to fight it. I clawed and gnawed to get the things I thought I was suppose to have and at the end found no absolution. Planning and scheming only to see what you have built crumble like a sand castle in the wind burning your eyes as it falls apart. How far have I to go? To what purpose and direction does my journey bring me?

I gave up. I surrendered. I swallowed my pride and raised my hands in defeat. I knelt in disgrace for the knowledge I have gained has brought me to my end, my experience became my undoing. I have brought shame to those who have taught me, laid waste to their expectations. And finally, like a dying man, I looked at the footprints of my life and saw just how far I've come. I must've been lost, footprints are everywhere. To my horror, it was not all mine. In my self-pity I've neglected the people who walked with me, shared my fate, my laughter, my aspirations. They were my friends. In my selfish walk of life I never noticed they were there all along. Some of them took a different path, some are still behind me... Some others I have left for dead on the side of the road without a hint of regret or remembrance. I cried for the ones I've lost and embraced those still behind me. With renewed strength, I will push forward.

The road ahead looks much foggy and uncertain. This time though, I know I'll never walk alone. I take each step and greet the face walking beside me as I go from here to the unknown. My prayers are no longer of myself but for the souls who call me by name and shake my hand in respect. It was then that I heard the voice of God after a long time. I kneel now, not in defeat but in fervent prayer. My knowledge and experiences are no longer my own as I share it to those who care to listen. I no longer look to the expectations of others, I do not feel the need to impress them any longer. And finally when I lay down, it is no longer to wait for hand of death but to rest so I could greet the next day with a smile.

I stared at the stranger in the mirror, the one with the odd smile. He shall be a stranger no more, I'll make sure of that.

Liar, Liar pants on Fire

Once again, I'm writing another political piece out of sheer frustration and anger for the mockery of justice and truth in the senate. Former COMELEC chairman Garcillano is being questioned for the alleged cheating and rigging of the recent Presidential election (for those of you who don't know).

This man is obviously a big, fat liar and it pains me to see good tax money wasted on such sessions that reveal nothing. Whenever he is asked about the anomalies with the election returns and the wiretap conversations, he conveniently answers by saying: "I am not competent to answer that question". He even denies that he is the COMELEC official called "Garci" in the tapes despite president Arroyo's admittance with her "I am sorry" speech.

Mr. Garcillano, I have a few things to say to you. Who the hell do you think you're fooling? If you're not competent to answer simple questions and specify your own whereabouts during the time you were hiding, then I would have to question your senility or the medications you're taking. If the whole COMELEC could point to another official who has a name similar to yours, then please do so because I'm dying to see if there is another "Garci" that we are unaware of. If you cannot answer anything else and would remain incompetent as a witness, I would rather see you behind jail for contempt. Maybe then, after you've experienced the luxurious accommodations of our Penal system, you would think twice before you say you are incompetent. To those senators and congressmen who defend him, I sincerely doubt your allegiance to this country.

Personally, I don't care if Mrs. Arroyo stays in office or not. Whether she cheated or not, she will answer to God. Wasting good tax money to fund a big farce and put this poor excuse for a man as the main character is something I cannot allow. I do hope the members of the senate open their eyes and end this disgusting show of disrespect and abuse of our justice system.

Idle and Loving It

These past few weeks since my resignation, I have spent countless hours playing Ragnarok with a mindless stare that could pierce through several layers of reality. My staple food in the form of a tasteless bag of carbohydrates to keep me energized, a stimulating brew of dark liquid to quench my thirst. As the hours roll by, messages from loved ones inquiring of my whereabouts and engaging conversations flood my almost ignored phone.

I couldn't keep count of how many times I've changed the background image in my friendster account and my messenger has been at it for days. My blood has been replaced by caffeine and I'm bouncing off the walls like a jackhammer, too hyped up to sit down or decently aim the mouse pointer at a certain link.

I've skipped meals, what day is it today? What stirs outside these walls? Phone calls I've missed, there are so many. What could they possibly want from me? Bills are waiting to be paid, I gave it a short glance.

I gave the sun a smile, I've missed him. I played with my cousin and made up for the 2 years I've lost. I kissed my mom good night and see her off to bed for a change. I had dinner with my dad, I've longed to hear his corny jokes. I spoke with my brothers, I haven't heard their voices for some time. I listened to my music and heard my heart beat once again.

I never thought I had lost so much in 2 years. Things I had for the better part of my life. I'm here to reclaim it once again. A familiar smirk swept across my face as the sun shone brightly in my dark lit room.

My best vacation yet. From where I stand, it looks promising.

Clarity in the midst of Sickness

During one of the most trying times in my life, I was able to realize some of the basic truths that have been clouded about my life. Strange as it may seem, the human condition becomes clear amidst utter chaos and confusion.

It has been almost a year since I have decided to quit my current job and for reasons unknown at that time, I have continued to dabble in labor and bondage longer than I should. During my ordeal with my still unknown condition, I have now realized that I stayed longer because of the friends I have made. One friend in particular who I referred to as the "anomaly" in this blog page. During the course of my mission, I have expressed my disappointment, angst and sometimes hatred towards her but in the end, it was clear I stayed because of her. I understand now, more than ever, that I have loved her all along. Sad that I never told her that.

Some of the stuff I learned during this sickness I'd rather keep to myself. Another hard-earned lesson.

The Jedi Under the Microscope

As I pass by the brightly lit hallways of the the humid sweat box that is our precinct, I have felt the watchful eye of the general public shifted to my direction. Those sly glances and some unapproving stares greet me with but a hint of disbelief and to some level, disgust.

It is unnerving for a stalker in the shadows to be suddenly caught by a huge beaming light of attention. It means he's doing his job poorly. It suddenly dawned on me that the subject of whispers and private conversations are none other than yours truly. Surprised? Needless to say, yes. I've always thought that I have established my character as a person not worthy of mention or intrigue. It seems I have failed in this endeavor.

To what purpose do these conversations serve? A rumor. A poorly constructed story based entirely of loosely arranged events that have occurred within the week or so. Pathetic that these people have nothing important to do. I must say, it clearly reflects the lack of excitement or even movement in their lives that they must concoct a vivid scene about me. I've always thought that, to imagine me in your sub-conscious state, you must've really hit rock bottom in so many depths and levels. I had to gasp in disbelief as my source reveals it to me.

Oh well, the jedi have been under scrutiny before. If they find this to be a time-worthy event, let them waste it on me. As for myself and my friend, we will shrug it off never knowing what stark-raving madness drove them to this conclusion.

Conversations with a Fool

I spoke with a fool the other day, here's how our conversation went:

She wants her power to be setup under her name and she'll call back with the address in a week. I told her, we connect the power to the house, not to her.
She complained about why her bill is so high when every appliance in her house is run by electricity. I told her if her house was running on gas, she would be calling someone else.
She cries foul when she receives a disconnection notice when she hasn't paid her bill for over a month. I told her that it's just a reminder that we're not giving her power as an act of charity.
She doesn't appreciates it when she gets late fees when she was just a day late. I told her if I paid her late on a debt I owed her, she wouldn't appreciate it either.
She demands to know why we can't give her an extension. I told her she failed to comply with the last one and the other before that when she begged from a supervisor.
She gets furious when her power gets disconnected when she made partial payment on it a couple of weeks ago. I told her a past due is a past due, regardless of the amount. Read the notice, we sent it for a reason.
She claims she wasn't informed of fees. I told her to read her notices, we sent it for a reason.
She wants her power reconnected as soon as possible because she's got asthma and she's on a breathing machine. I told her a nebulizer is not a breathing machine.
Finally she doesnt want my service anymore. I told her I would miss our conversations. Goodbye.

Bounded

In the swirling brew of talent mixed in sea of voices bottled in a fish tank that is my job, I have come to unearth a truth that has escaped my notice. The peers I have come to call my friends are actually masters of their own art who have become bounded by this work.

A shark that wields the pen and brush as if the images come to life from her mind.
A catfish that can design a queen’s wardrobe to be envied in the catwalks.
A vampire that creates a world with her stories and imagination.
A gangster who moves like the wind driving to the hoop.
The china man who can earn from any trade.
The veteran tough guy who is a scholar of the law. A Spanish man who learned the ways of love and seduction.
An apothecary who knows the secret of poisons and medicines (stop patronizing yourself!).

These are just one of the few jewels I have found in a workplace driven by the sound of the task master's whip. Beasts of burden condemned helping a race of feeble-minded fools pretending to be a superior being. Their thoughts and actions shackled by rules that a fool deems fair and just.

Who shall wield such talent to good use?

Is the shark fated to use her skill only to post billboards? Is the catfish predestined to show her work only to aging maids? Is the vampire damned to explore her imagination only during avail time?

No! Someone should stop the travesty!

Unlike SBRK's (spoiled brat, rich kids) however, we cannot change jobs to pursue an uncertain path. Bills are certain as death and taxes and this job takes care of it. A lowly apothecary such as I can only dream of a compensation such as this in my profession (at least in this country).

For the meantime, call me a willing captive. I shall have my dues.
I shall rise like a phoenix from the.... (Oops) "Thank you for calling ..., this is Ashley. How may I assist you?"

May Natutunan ba Ako? (Ikalawang Bahagi)

(Kaduktong)

1st Year College. Napakalaking aral ang natuklasan ko. 'Di ito tulad ng H.S. na kahit 'di ka mag-review ay may pag-asa kang pumasa. Kadalasan, sunog na ang kilay mo bagsak ka pa rin. Ang counterstrike ay hindi subject na kailangan i-major.

2nd Year College. Kahit gaano na kasibilisado ang mundo natin, natutunan kong meron pa ring mga taong huhusga sa iyo base sa iyong itsura at pananamit. Maaring hindi ka pumasa sa mga pamantayan nila, ang mahalaga ay hindi mawala ang respeto mo sa sarili at maging sa kanilang mga humusga sa iyo. Masunog ka man sa ngalan ng pag-ibig, babangon ka pa na mas malakas at mas matalino. Ang tequila ay hindi pareho ng tubig at ang larangan ng pakikipagtalik ay ibang-iba sa mga napanuod mo sa pinilakang tabing na may kasamang awit at saliw ng lira. Impossibleng tumagal ito ng "seven and a half weeks".

3rd Year College. Malapit ka nang magtapos, hindi ito lisensya para magpakawala ka sa sarili mo. Ang mga masasayang alaala ay masasayang lamang kung masyado kang lasing para maalala ito. Hindi ka man respetuhin, kailangan mong respetuhin ang mga babae. Natutunan kong ang Diyos pa rin ang may-ari ng buhay mo at dadalhin ka niya sa lugar na dapat mong paroonan kahit ano pa ang sabihin ng mga prayle sa 'yo at kahit sigawan ka ng officer mo sa ROTC.

4th Year College. Ang mga guro natin ang sandigan ng ating bansa at natutunan ko na mas may karapatan silang tawaging bayani dahil hindi nila iniwan ang bansa nila tulad ng OFW. Ang mga kaibigan mo ay isa-isang mawawala at ang mga tunay lang ang maiiwan at magtiya-tiyaga sa ugali mo. Nalaman kong ang graduation ceremony ay palabas lamang at hindi talaga importante para makahanap ng trabaho. Importante ito dahil kailangan ito ng mga magulang mo.

Bilang isang low-income Pharmacist/Laison officer/MedRep. Natutunan kong kahit ilang beses hindi magpasalamat ang mga babaeng ipinaupo mo sa MRT, hindi ito dapat maging dahilan para itigil mo ang pagiging maginoo. Hindi dapat natutulog sa tren at lalo na sa bus na ang paradahan ay nasa probinsya. Malayo pag lumagpas ka sa dapat mong babaan. Ang pagbebenta ay nakadepende ng malaki sa presentasyon at hindi sa kaalaman tungkol sa binibenta mo. Ang karisma ay natututunan din pala.

Bilang isang call center Agent. Nalaman kong boses babae pala ako. Nalaman kong mas matalino talaga tayo sa mga kano. Nalaman kong sa ganitong edad ay may mga tao pa ring mapanghusga at hindi mo kelangan sumabay sa mga mas bata sa 'yo para hindi mahalatang tumatanda ka na. Sa ganitong edad ay dapat maging huwaran ka ng mga bata at hindi kasabwat sa kalokohan. Sabihin man nilang KJ ka, nasa wasto ka nang pag-iisip para malaman ang dapat gawin. Hindi masarap ang pita pie pag kasama ng mountain dew. Masakit matulog sa sala ng ilang linggo. Nalaman ko ring hindi nakakatuwang maulanan ng gamo-gamo bilang panggising. Hindi dapat maging dahilan ang pag-ibig para manatili sa isang relasyon na makaksakit sa 'yo, pisikal man o emosyonal. Hindi magandang gumising ng may galit at poot sa puso.

Habang nabubuhay tayo, natututo tayo. Iyan ang motto ng paaralan namin na isinalin ko sa tagalog. Dati'y pinagtatawanan ko lamang ito ngunit 'di ko akalain na balang araw ay sasang-ayon ako dito. Maging mabuting guro sana ang buhay nyo para makarating kayo sa inyong paroroonan. Ang buhay ay maikli para sayangin lamang sa mga pangarap. Isabuhay ang bawat araw na parang ito na ang huli, kumanta na parang walang nakikinig, sumayaw ka na parang walang nanunuod, magmahal ka na parang 'di ka pa nasasaktan. 'Yan ang prinsipyo ko sa buhay ngayon. Hanggang sa muli.

May Natutunan ba Ako?

Bilang pagpupugay sa linggo ng wika, minarapat kong ilathala ang artikulong ito sa wikang tagalog. Pakay ko ay ipakita sa lahat ang kagandahan at kakaibang karisma ng dilang ating kinalakihan. Nawa po'y magsilbing inspirasyon sa inyo ang munting storya 'kong ito.

Sa pulotong ng mga bagay-bagay na natutunan natin sa paaralan, iilan ba talaga ang nagagamit natin sa tunay na buhay? At kung sa tone-toneladang bagay na sapilitan nilang isinaksak at inukit sa isip natin ay hindi naman kailangan talaga, meron ba talaga tayong natutunan?

Pagkatapos nating matutong magsulat at magbasa, mag-aral ng simpleng mathematics, para saan pa ang mga dagdag na kaalaman? Iyan ang madalas na dahilan kung bakit wala nang intensiyon ituloy ang pag-aaral ng karamihan sa mga kabataan natin. Sa isip nila, ang lahat ng ituturo sa iyo pagkatapos ng mga nabanggit ay 'di na essensyal sa kabuoan ng pagkatao nila.

Nais 'kong banggitin ang mga bagay sa buhay na natutunan ko sa aking mga guro, kamag-aral at sa lahat ng taong naging bahagi ng storya ng buhay ko.

Sa kinder, natutunan 'kong ang tao ay likas na inggitero. Ang magandang pencil case mo ang magiging mitsa ng isang munting kompetisyon kung sino ang mas poging estudyante.

Sa grade 1. Natutunan kong kahit anong galing mo sa kahit anong laro, pag kapwa mo lalaki ang kalaro mo, di ka nila isasali kung sa tingin nila ay matatalo mo sila. Sa babae naman, queber kung magaling ka o hindi, kung ayaw nila sa 'yo, 'wag ka na umasa.

Sa grade 2. Natutunan kong importante ang mag-practice magsulat. Kahit mukhang walang kwenta ang paulit-ulit na isulat ang pangalan at alpabeta sa papel. Sasang-ayon ka rin sa akin kung isang araw ay magising ka sa katotohanan na mukhang pirma ang sulat mo.

Sa grade 3. Lalong lalalim ang hidwaan ng lalaki at babae dahil dito na lumilitaw ang malaking pagkakaiba ng hilig ng dalawa. Tingin ng batang babae sa sa kabila, kadiri silang lahat. Sa kabilang kampo naman, tingin nila sa babae lahat maaarte at OA. May mga pagkakataon nga lang na dadaan ang maganda at seksing guro sa kabilang section at lahat ng yaon ay maglalaho. Malalaman mo rin na kahit maarte sila, di naman sila mahirap pakisamahan. Kahit mabaho at kadiri kami paminsan-minsan, isa lang yan sa mga bagay-bagay na mamahalin nyo tungkol sa amin.

Sa grade 4. May nakilala kang may itsurang kaklase mo. Sa tingin mo in-love ka na kahit di mo kayang ibaybay ang lahat ng gusto mong sabihin sa love letter mong nakasulat sa yellow paper. Hindi na alintana sa 'yo ang kutsain ka at pagtawanan dahil tingin mo romantiko ka sa mga ginagawa mo. Matututunan mo rin na

Grade 5-6. Pakiramdam mo ay may nagawa ka nang pwedeng ipagmalaki kasi malapit mo nang matapos ang isang baitang. Natutunan ko na kahit wala kang award at nakapikit ka nang kinunan ka ng graduation picture, malaking accomplishment pa rin yon.

1st-2nd Yr. H.S. Bagong mundo, bagong hamon. Natutunan kong kahit gaano ka-cute ang teacher mo, hindi mo dapat syang kindatan. Yun lang yun.

3rd-4th Yr. H.S. Natutunan kong dapat mong siguraduhin na hindi ka nakahawak sa linya ng kuryente habang sinusubukan mo ang home-made mong transformer. Dapat mo ring tignan kung ang kahoy na ginagamit mo para itayo ang kulungan ay hindi gagamitin ng karpintero para itayo ang gusali sa likod nyo. Mahirap tapusin ang project ng isang gabi lalo na kung inatasan kayong gawin ito sa luob ng isang buwan.

Abangan ang susunod....

Stop the Politics

Finally, I've decided to write about the ongoing issue about the President's admittance to the controversial tapes and the implications it brings.

With regards to Susan Roces: Your acting is not convincing either. If you think an army of paid peasants will help you take over the presidency, you're living in a movie. Why should I call your husband your Excellency when he can't even spell it. Like all other dumbasses who know nothing, you and your husband would've been played like puppets by two of the most corrupt senators in the land. Good intentions and a movie career doesn't qualify you for anything. I'd rather have one corrupt official running the show than two.

With regards to Noli De Castro: I will not bow down to someone who pronounces "special" as "spatial". Your credentials are about as impressive as crap smeared over a canvass. It may appeal to some people, but for those who know better it would still be fecal matter. I will not stand and see our great nation embarrassed with you bringing along an english interpreter. You haven't done anything as a senator, what makes you think you can do anything with the weight of the whole nation under your shoulder? He who cannot be trusted with little things cannot be trusted with big things.

The nerve of these people. Even the most educated man can be doped by a taxi driver who knows his way around the highways and byways. Politics is the same way, a lot of people will exploit your ignorance the moment you manifest it. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know these two have a lot. We cannot let the peasants dictate the nation's future for they have no control over theirs. These mobs don't pay their taxes, we do.

Mission End

After much stalking and probing, my worst fears have been confirmed. The Anomaly turned out to be nothing more than a spark of light in a sea of illumination. My intuitions have once again thwarted my hopes. Hopes that somehow I could change it.

After a long ordeal of fighting for sanity while I was under the influence of the flu and fever was running my imaginations wild, one blinding truth broke it and eventually brought me back to reality. She sent a message saying she would only treat me as a friend and nothing more. Ouch. That hurt the second time. Once again, I've been judged before given a chance. What are the odds of that? I seem to be breaking odds all the time...

With much thought, I blame myself again for hoping against my better judgment. Frankly speaking, I'm disappointed at her because I thought she was different from the rest. But mostly, disappointed at me for I thought I could change that. Charge to experience seem to be the fitting response for all this.

I'm currently undergoing my usual meditation to console myself and avoid getting too bitter. I pray for her as well, asking God to open her eyes. Genuinely speaking, I fear for her for she may not find anyone if she keeps this up. She is my friend, after all...Though she may not treat me as one. Reminds me of something I learned from a mentor of mine. "You're always trying to find someone perfect to love", he says to me. "Try to switch it around this time. Find someone to love and I promise you, she will be perfect. No matter how she looks or what she does." He was right, of course.

Finally, I must apologize for not updating this blogg. It has been good to me and I've neglected it.

A Working Title

I haven't made any recent entries on this blogg as internet access has been scarce and ultimately inconvenient. I'll try to add new stories as much as I could. Meanwhile, I'm happy to report that I have finished a lot of interesting books these past few months. I recommend that you take the time to read Dan Brown's books. Also, the Waterborn and the Blackgod if you're fond of arabian nights type of books. Bridge of Birds is also interesting, first novel with China as the setting I found to be worth reading. I must bid thee good-bye. There is a fat chance I may not be able to open this blogg again but, who knows....

Older and Almost Better

A smile falls on my face 5:30 in the morning on a jeepney ride home. I realized I've been using the same old route I've used since elementary school. My friend's place I've been going to since grade 5. It's funny how you grow up and become the same person with an older face. My friends and I have always imagined that we would still be playing the good game even if our arthritic hand would give up on us, hoping by then the game would be triggered not by hand but by thought. Hoping that by the time we would have the money, we would still be unbound and unattached (too bad guys) so we could play all we want without having to answer to no one. Here I was, living a dream I had when I was in high school.

Most people would tell us to grow up saying such pursuit of hollow happiness would be a complete waste of time. I've always believed it to be the other way around. People forget that the reason why and where we are now is a product of such dreams. We wanted to get jobs not for the sake of becoming employed but because we could use the money to better our lives. This is exactly what I'm doing. The little joys that I partake make me a well-rounded person. I am building up for the future as well, but not at the expense of the present. We can't always look forward, we also have to look at where we're walking and sometimes retrace our steps.

As my friends and I gather and throw our regular insults and criticisms at each other (we've been doing this ever since), I remembered imagining the same scene way back. We've been scarred by time and burned by mistakes but the men I saw in that room were the same boys that I grew up with. We have not lost ourselves, our identity. Most adults do. Looking back, we never planned it to be exactly like this but I'm glad that fate brought us here anyway.

Constants to Keep

It's quite amazing how the season goes by and the things around us change. The constant passing of time, legions of faces, images and sensations that come and go blow like the Eastern wind. Yet, some things remain after another year ends that proves that change does not hold sway over all things. They are people and tools of habit that stand the test of time, so to speak.

Coffee. A cup of brew is a constant reminder that not all things are doomed to failure. Every sip a promise that tomorrow will be a less crappy day. Every moment savored rejuvenates the body and soul like the gospel to a zealous church woman. An addiction allowed by the law.


Friends. Your comrades will always be there to lend you a helping hand, ask for a helping hand (in cash, of course) and give you a constant nudge in the shoulder to remind you that you still owe them money or they need another loan. They're always there to ignore your advice and cry on your shoulder when they fail and give you the adequate blood pressure to make you want to scratch off all of your hair. They also come in handy when your lonely, they can lend a sympathetic ear even though they don't understand a word your saying. Truly, a treasure worth keeping when you have absolutely nothing.

The Net. The internet is a vast space where you can get lost on purpose. A place to hide. You'll be flooded with proposals that promise sex, virtual sex and self sex. Never has there been a place so perverted since Soddom. It is also a place where you can throw your thoughts and ideas and get a response that is either violent, insulting or mildly titillating. It has long since served as a haven for people with no real friends or can't speak well enough to interact. It contains a lot of information about things you need to know, don't want to know or wish you didn't know. A useful tool, an escape from reality.

Love. Or at least the promise of it, makes better men out of us. A comforting thought that at the end of the day, someone who loves you can make all the boo-boos go away. A renewed promise that even after a days temptation, we still go home to a faithful someone who eagerly awaits our loving arms to wrap around them. A soothing balm that heals the wound dealt to you by the last idiot you spoke with over the phone. A smile that wipes away the tears you shed after you've sold an emperium for 100 zennys (ragnarok players only). Being in love and falling for someone has always been the most pleasurable constant I can never get used to. I hope I never will.

Ended in a Whimper

This year's celebration of the new year ended in quite a depressing note. I was at the office doing my yearly contemplation of the things that came to pass. I realized that being bound to this work of mine has hampered my growth as far as sociology is concerned. I was able to go out less and I have not made my usual number of acquaintances the last year. Upon deeper thought, I found myself to be alone once again. Ever since quitting "the game", it's been harder to find lasting relationships. A sort of "punishment", I suppose.

It was only until the last month of the year that I had muster the courage to let go of my short term relationships with "old friends". It's hard to say "no" to sex, especially when it's offered to you in a very seductive package. You'll know of this if your a guy. It used to momentarily numb me of the loneliness but lately it's been making it worse. The thought of being used as meat for the hungry reduced me to nothing more than a whore (and not in a good way 'cause I'm not getting paid for it). The path I chose is proving to be a difficult one, self-denial always is.

There I was, sitting in a the corner of the office with my head against the wall feeling sorry for myself. The fireworks outside is temptingly amusing but I couldn't bring myself to get out of my seat and watch it. The year ended in a whimper. I do hope it's not going to be a trend from now on. Then again, we never get what we want. We always get what is needed and if God saw it fitting that I go through with this then I shall.

Foresight for the Coming Year

(The Preacher side of me talking)
Yet another year has almost reached it's end. Winter can be a long, cold night for those who wait for the warm comfort of affection. Alas, we must be headstrong and look forward to a new day with renewed hope that God will carry us through. The future may be bleak and unreassuring but rest easy to know that these undertakings will mold our character and give us the strength we need to overcome the trials of tomorrow. We may not be given the clairvoyance to see what lies ahead but we shall be content in living each moment to the fullest.

(The Coffee Addict in me talking)
Ditto. Just as long as I have a good brew and a good book, whatever fate deals me I shall face with a warm, sleepless smile. The future can be warm and calm only if you want it to, but why choose that? So many things to see and things to do, the loneliness won't set in as long as you keep on working. Play something with a little bounce in it, don't pull out your "senti" CD's, that will only keep you down and longing for things that maybe you're not suppose to have. I agree with the preacher, live each moment the way you sip your coffee: drink to indulge not to quench the thirst.

(The Jedi in me talking)
Clouded, the future is. If you knew what the future is, then it would not come to pass. Be mindful of the things you say to others for the world you move in is tied to your fate. Your longing for affection was part of the old life that you have forsaken. The jedi life should not be corrupted in self-indulgence. Love to heal others and not to fill the gaping void in your heart. Trust your feelings. You'll traverse everything just as long as you stay focused on your true mission.

(The Comic in me talking)
It's all good. I consider it a good day when I don't get cuffed, put on a choke hold or blinded with pepper spray. Don't ask why, I don't. Just keep your head high and pretend you own an obscenely huge amount of money, that'll keep you jolly until you start reaching for wallet. You are what you feel. So don't go reaching for that wallet, if you do, you'll be reminded that you have no money and that you're alone (explains why you only have pictures of you in there, or worse you and your ex).

Hope next year will bring you a renewed appreciation for the things you have. It's like I always say: Life is like a doughnut. (No. Not because it's round, dumbass) It's all filled with different flavors and tastes and take on different sizes and colors. Yet some doughnuts have holes in the middle. If a person looks at the hole in the center, you'd realize that the same hole fills the void of everything else. It's the dream house you can never have, the car you've always wanted or that girl you've always had a thing for. If you concentrate on that hole, you'll never notice your life pass you by. Try to appreciate your life, the one that surrounds the hole. If you take time to appreciate it, you'll see that it's as good as any flavored-filled doughnuts. Happy holidays!!

Christmas by Myself (once again)

It's a record. I've managed to stay single through the holidays for 24 straight years. Can't say I'm proud of it but, it's an achievement on it's own. It seems only last year I promised myself never to allow anything to come in the way of finding romance, I inevitably missed out on it again. A trend, I suppose. It's the same scene as always: I'll be looking out on the window thinking of the things I could've done, things I could've said like something from a cheesy feel-good movie.

Although I value companionship as much as the next guy, I can't bring myself to rush things and sometimes say things even when it should be at that moment in time. A weakness I am aware of, much to my regret. It's ridiculously funny when I can sweep any woman off her feet but feel so uneasy at even trying to say something nice to someone I really like. Must be a curse that all ex-players must deal with. The only explanation I could think of is that when you say flowery words to someone to impress them, it's easy and you don't think of the consequences because it doesn't bare any meaning to you as opposed to saying it to someone you do like. Doesn't make sense sometimes. It's better that way I guess. If attraction was easy I guess we would have a good book about it.

By the way, I decided not to go about with the mission I was tasked with. I've contemplated and concluded that everyone deserves the chance to be happy. If this girl really loves this asshole, it doesn't matter what I show her. She would still choose him. If she gets burned in the end, maybe it's a lesson she needed to learn. Plus the fact that I don't really have the time and energy to steal someone's affection. I already have my hands full with this girl I like (not that I've done much) without having to take on a new load.

Somehow, I feel that everything is in its place. In as much as I want to change things, I'm afraid I don't have the will power to do that yet. I just hope she understands that she's that important to me. Not that she reads any of my journals here, still I'm hopeful that she will know.

Unbecoming of a Gentleman

"Wow, you sound so cool!", she was almost too easy. "Steal her from her crappy boyfriend.", an earlier conversation. "Help her. You owe me!", the words came of a shock to me. I was to become that monster which I hated the most. And yet out of all this, it felt like I owe it to this wonderful woman that I should snatch her from her present state. She's a middle-aged woman in her late twenties. Tall, beautiful and surprisingly intelligent. She's bound to marriage soon and her soon-to-be husband is all but right for her (at least from the point of view of her friends). They have suspected him of cheating and all sorts of betrayal. "She doesn't deserve this.", the voice said again. "Do this one more time.....for me.", a sigh and a nod. I could only agree.


Here I was, setting out on a dark but sacred mission as well. I'm still contemplating on the fact that despite her unusual liking for me, she is contented with her life. "I'm not cut out for this...", I said to myself, "...not anymore."

I couldn't say no to this mission. I owed her a lot. If I could do this, I would have repaid all debts and finally I could say "A heart for a heart, my debt is repaid." Still, a guilty conscience I must carry, the "mark" is simply unaware of my intentions and the repercussions of what I'm about to do could ruin her perfect life. To even consider breaking up a relationship is unbecoming a gentleman and a jedi most of all. "Think of it, you're actually saving her from a huge mistake.", the voice said again.

With my eyes closed, I moved in and introduced myself. It has begun....

Silent Stupor

"Hey, It's been a while....", the voice said with a casual tone. "I'm sorry I haven't even tried talking to you....", with a hint of trembling regret. She gave him that indifferent look as he tries to reach out for her. "I know I have no right to tell you this, and I probably shouldn't...". She ignores him and continues to do her doodling. "I've been thinking about you and....", he grasps for the words that he practiced earlier on. "....I like you a lot and I was hoping...", she cuts him off and says, "I'm sorry, you're really not my type." He tries to explain himself, "I know I'm not, I was just hoping you would....", she interrupts him again and says "There's no need to." "What for?". He just stood there, can't believe what he just heard. This was not what he practiced while he was acting this very scenario on the way to work. Tears which he thought had dried out from all the pain before once flowed again, the bitter harvest of rejection. Suddenly the dark took hold of him again. There is no point in trying to. It is inevitable.

Then I woke up. It was just a dream. Or was it? Was it a conclusion drawn from emotions? More importantly, was it foresight? Fear started to creep from the dark corners of my psyche. I don't want to be that person again. I promised myself I would not let it happen. Then there was nothing but silence. I couldn't move.

Just Got Paid

Nothing feels like the warm sensation of reaching out to that ATM and getting some of your hard-earned cash. Makes the torture of having to explain the energy deregulation law to an 80-year-old woman worth it. I've had money before, but it's not quite like this.

Makes my policy of "don't mind the money, mind the work" really hard to swallow. I have to keep reminding myself that the cash I earn is only a means to an end, not the main goal of why I work. This way, I love my job and the dough is just bonus. Someday, I'll setup a business of my own, be my own boss. For now, let's be the good employee.