My life as a real Jedi

The Crow and the Magpie

2010-07-26T20:53:00.003+08:00

Okay, brace yourselves boys and girls. Because when I've talked about decay of society and mindless sheep taking over, I wasn't talking about the future. It was here and now.

If you haven't read the Crow and the Magpie, it tells of an eerie tale of a crow wanting to learn how to sing better. He couldn't and he was miserable because of this. All of the other birds hated him because of his attitude. One day, the crow asked the Magpie to teach him how to sing. At first, the magpie refused because he hated the crow but agreed later on if the crow followed strict conditions. The conditions were that he is not to drink or eat anything until the magpie tells him to. The crow, eager to learn was fooled by the magpie. He ate and drank very little and became to weak and eventually died.

To you and me, the above story might mean political or somewhat fueled by an unknown vendetta similar to Cask of Amontillado. Weird stories that you have to find meaning for or just simply dismiss as crazy ramblings of another Edgar Allan Poe. It is not. There is nothing deep about it. I know this because it was taken from a preschool book published by www.rhythm.com.my, a Malaysian company. It came with illustrations and it was 5 or 6 pages long.

At the end of this really sick book, the moral of the story was: "never attempt the impossible". So it's okay to kill off somebody who's trying just because he was never going to be good at it. I've read this as one responsible Mom was kind enough to screen the books she let her son read. It was bought off at a Filbar's stand in Ortigas for a mere 10 pesos.

It has come to this. If you still think that passive parenting is okay. You'd be dead wrong. If you're not careful, your child could read this. He may become the next best Terrorist (and this is not the reality TV show kind).

I could blame the Malaysians for not using their brains before publishing this crap. I could blame the anonymous writer who was probably raised by wolves. I could blame Filbars for not screening their material well enough. But you see, I could not. Because it has come to this point that you, as a parent, would have to.

I believe the children are our future.

Do a better job. Please.

Short Term Memory in Politics

2010-06-05T13:01:00.002+08:00

I've said time and time again that Filipinos have a VERY short memory when it comes to politics. Their complacency in the power of EDSA have made them reckless in exercising their right to suffrage thinking they can always oust anyone they don't like. They elect politicians based on popularity and think nothing of their past sins and apparent lack in the public's interests. This election, we find people from the entertainment business make their way into senatorial seats and more shockingly, a politician hated for raising taxes.

Revilla. The name itself produces giggles and smirks among educated people. Why is this person in the senate? Why was his father in the senate? His service in as Governor in Cavite was (unsurprisingly) unremarkable and in my opinion, was only marked by his TV career. Now he will serve another term in the senate seat doing nothing but instigate on TV issues and scandals that should be left served in a barangay hall. His term as VRB (now OMB) chairman was picturesque as the movies he star in but never as real either. Conclusion: another wasted seat in the senate.

Lapid. This name makes you think Leon Guerrero or pork rinds. Either way, you would never think senator. Lapid's rise in political power was brought about by a tragedy in Pampanga when lahar ravaged the province. Using the people's ire for the existing political regime, he seized power and made his way up by changing parties and alliances like a sniveling character in a bad action movie. Conclusion: take back your votes.

Recto. My hatred for this candidate is second only to my hatred for bitter gourd (ampalaya). Anyone who thinks raising taxes to increase revenue is an idiot in my book. Our taxes are more than enough to cover the government's lavish lifestyles, corrupted ways and extravagant spending. What you need to do is improve your collections and snuff out officials who misuse funds. Letting the public take the heat for the government's lack of inefficiency makes you a political asshole! If not for Noynoy's endorsement and your wife's popularity, you would be in hell right now, sucking Satan's dick. I thought you were smart but clearly, you're as shortsighted as rhino with sunglasses. If people new better and were told what you did with the VAT, you would not even make the class clown, let alone a senator. Conclusion: shove it where the sun don't shine.

A lot of people ask me: "Why does the Philippines suffer?" We have better resources than most, we're an industrious race, we're guided by a strict moral code and yet we're never as successful as the other nations less fortunate than us. The answer is simply this: we apply our strict standards to where it is not needed and show leniency where it should be applied. We use our resources like it's never going to run out and we're lazy when it comes to deciding for our future. We spent more time on our facebook accounts than looking in to the lives of the people who will guide us for the next 6 and 3 years. We give it to the hands of actors and corrupt villains who shouldn't be trusted with a class, let alone a whole country. We cuddle thieves disguised in poverty and offer them alms when they take from our wallets and live a lavish lifestyle. We take pity on every women who cry foul and defend them blindly when they've erred as much. We listen to crying moms who say their son was not a thief and believe the old bastards who claim they're sick when they should be on trial. We let the squatters vote while we take the sidelines saying: my vote won't make a difference anyway. Here's some wise words to ponder: Wala kang karapatang magreklamo kung hindi ka bumoto.

The Poor Middle Class

2010-05-07T17:52:00.000+08:00

I write today to vent out my frustration for the ongoing rehabilitation of the squatter's area in E. Rodriguez Avenue. Society's leeches have found yet another suitable host they can cling to. The politicians smell blood in the water and circle like sharks waiting to be fed on election day.

It pisses me off to see MY tax money being spent on people who haven't paid a cent, steal electricity and water, sell their votes to the highest bidder and complain how life never gave them a good break. They whine in their little air-conditioned huts with free cable, electricity and water and have the guts to complain about their standard of living. You can't even look at you air-conditioning unit and not shiver at the thought of having it run the whole day with it's current cost for usage. Meanwhile, the government, having little or no foresight, increases the cost of utilities and taxes instead of improving their collection (this is why you're NOT getting my vote, Mr. Ralph "VAT" Recto). They unwittingly pass all the burden to the middle class. The upper class, composed mainly of politicians and dishonest businessmen care not for any price increase. Their lofty ill-gotten wealth more than covers for any inconvenience caused by a petty rise in cost.

The reason why inflation rises is because we lose more middle class to bankruptcy. We who have no choice when our paychecks get deducted with tributes to Caesar. The squatters don't shell out anything and the wealthy are not paying enough. It's ironic that these illegal settlers live the life of a rich man when they have nothing. When it gets taken away, they feel violated and demand for something they weren't entitled to in the first place. The rich live the life of a king and pretend to be poor when it's time to run for public office or tax season. When it gets taken away, they feel violated and take more from everyone else. The middle class live from one paycheck to the next and live the life that their budget allows. When it gets taken away from us, we feel violated but roll with the punches because WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

I challenge our government and the next to clean the streets the way it should be. Cut all loses and stop treating the abusive settlers as victims. What are you afraid of? Majority of these people are not registered voters anyway. You've been trying to do right with non-productive members of the society, why not give something back to those who HAVE been doing something? Call me heartless for turning my back on these people but enough is enough. We've endured their stay (illegally) and the cost of the stuff they stole but I refuse to replace it when a fire (that they've caused) took everything they didn't own in the first place. That's not being heartless! That is refusing to bend over and be fucked in the ass! The reason why progress eludes us is because we're a nation that cradles criminals and free loaders.

Moreover, the new government should look more closely into the lives of the elite and seriously ask themselves if these people have been paying their taxes correctly and if they're getting their money from legitimate sources. You don't need a huge budget for this. A customs official who's getting less than 20k of salary per month with no documented business NOT related to his office has 3 luxury cars, a mansion and spends a month in Hawaii for vacation. Do we really need a committee for that? Seriously? Someone should say "duh!". Or maybe a certain Senator who passed several bills that made his business boom spends billions of pesos to sit in a position earning less than a fifty thousand per month. It doesn't take rocket science to read between the lines. If the rich makes a significantly bold move, you only need to ask why to figure out the rest. Motive is everything. If it's there, it is the source and the solution to all mysteries you will be faced with.

I've noted all the politicians who are present at the E. Rodriguez ground zero. I will NOT vote for ANY of them. Hasn't anyone learned anything about the old saying "teach a man to fish and you feed him for life?" Seriously? These measures are band-aids to a gushing wound. If you really want to help these people, give them paying jobs. Educate them for free. If the city were able to fund the college tuition of the Mayor's kids, I bet we can do the same for these people. You didn't know? Weren't all those signs from each project from our good Mayor's wallet? Of course not! Your tax money funded it. Out of our wallets and into theirs. You poor, poor middle class.

The Lesser Evil

2010-01-31T02:49:00.003+08:00

Vote wisely. We deserve the kind of leader we elect. This saying is true regardless of how that person won. The masses control our fates. Please don't let the mindless sheep and the hungry wolves dictate you future. Take control and vote!

Noynoy Aquino. The favorite. When people look at this guy, they seem to think Ninoy and Cory. Really, what has he done so far? When I look at him, all I see is Kris. Popularity can only get you so far. I can trust what Noynoy stand for. I can trust that his goals are for the country's interest. I do not trust the people around him. He's a newbie and he will definitely seek guidance from someone. Someone I don't trust. Even an intelligent man can be conned by a simple taxi driver if he doesn't know the roads to his destination.

JC Delos Reyes. The boy. When I look at him, all I see is a jumpy freshman about to present his thesis in front of the Dean with nothing more than theories. Too many ambitions and not enough on the job experience to really know anything. It's as if asking a virgin to describe sex. Totally useless. He knows he's NOT going to win this election and yet he signed up for it. Maybe he's not so smart after all. Maybe he's just there to split the votes. Maybe it's all for show.

Joseph Estrada. The Charismatic Cheater. I must admit that he possesses a certain amount of swagger and charm in everything he does. I'm comfortable in the fact that he really can't do anything illegal that wouldn't look too obvious. His campaign to wipe out the Abu Sayyaf was nearly perfect. He's a womanizer and there's a touch of comedy in his answers that show his lack of verbal acuity. In short, he's the man's man. A president? I have no idea.

Richard Gordon. Firm Hands. When you listen to Gordon, you can't help but be impressed by how well he answers and make his opponents look bad at the same time. You can tell by his voice that he is a no nonsense kind of guy. A tough love kind of leader. When you look at Subic, you can't help but imagine if he could do the same for the entire nation (this I could say the same for Binay). Do I dare give him the chance to make it a reality? When given the choice to remain as a public servant or a business man, he chose the latter. I will forever question his motives.

Jamby Madrigal. The Showy One. I can't count how many times she has advertised her good work when the opportunity presents itself. For some reason, I feel like she's playing a role in a really bad episode of the West Wing. Her tactic revolves around the "I think I've proven myself" by doing this and that. Her verbal battles in the senate are not forgotten as well. Intellectually, she makes sound (but mostly self serving) arguments. I have my doubts on her. Maybe we should hit her with the water cannon one more time. I did enjoy seeing that.

Nicanor Perlas. The Socially active. If you look at Nicanor's track record, he has made notable contributions in social development and business related management with a twist of spiritual and moral flavors to it. He's kind of like the jock-geek-rebel zen master. Mostly, I remember his name for the Bataan Nuclear power plant thing. He preaches globalization but stopped nuclear power. I must admit that it brought us good in the long run. Still, I ask myself why he's running in the first place. He knows he's never going to win. That makes me suspicious.

Gilbert Teodoro. The Palace Dog. Beneath the calm and collected facade lies a heavy burden. I believe that the palace has positioned him very well to be one of the favorites despite his allegiances. If he and GMA wins, I have strong feeling that amending the constitution and electing a prime minister (guess who) is not far behind. It's too convenient that he appeared as the government's white knight during the Ondoy tragedy. I do NOT like him.

Eddie Villanueva. The Preacher. He preaches to the wrong crowd. The voice of the people is the voice of God. You didn't win the last elections. God didn't vote for you. Get a clue.

Manny Villar. The Rags to Riches guy. Poverty molds a person very differently from any other human condition. It drives you to a corner and makes you the most vicious animal who's bent on self preservation. It is a cut throat world out there and even more so in politics. If I try to imagine how he got to the top, I shiver with fear. When I look at the housing project he owns, I doubt his capability to run things smoothly. When I see the investment he puts in on those prime time TV commercials, I have reservations on his intentions. I keep asking myself, "why would I invest millions for a job that pay only in thousands?" The answers I keep coming up with makes a whole lot more sense than "public service".

And so we'll have our fill of promises and our ears will be serenaded by sweet possibilites. Once again, my fears turn to the uneducated masses. Every candidate will surely exploit their desperation. Reminds me of Esau. Trade my inheritance for a bowl of stew. God, help us.

The Girl Everybody Loves to Hate

2009-11-05T03:50:00.002+08:00

Another peaceful day hangs on the brink of extinction for the people around her as she edges close to her work station. A sigh breaks out as she lazily brings her computer monitor to life. She's too early again. The palpable animosity she's used to is but a lingering memory and a welcome feeling compared to the chilling silence of being utterly ignored. Nobody turns as she makes her presence felt. She is a ghost.

Beware of this seemingly docile creature, she is as every bit as dangerous as everyone says she is. Her dagger has found its way on unsuspecting victims when they make a mistake in turning their backside to her. I, myself, have been treated as such. I will never make another mistake by defending her again. What brought about this hatred, you ask?

She lies. Her stories are enthralling, captivating. Careful which part to believe as she manipulates people with her tales. She denies her words when confronted and she wins you back with praises and compliments. She comes to you wounded with tears so you would perceive her as a feeble and vulnerable. Do not be deceived, she does not recoil in pain but means to pounce and attack.

She steals. Beware the trinkets she peddles, they are not treasures because they are duly priced. Look elsewhere and you'll see they are common wares and are bought for half. Do not be affected if she calls you cheap. Do not be gawded into selling your soul for a rusty old lamp. She will take what you have and justify that it's hers. She will raise an army if you dispute as such.

She endures. She will never say sorry for the things she has done. She believes them to be right, she will never be wrong. Defend her if you will, you will nurse your wounds and seek my help in the morning. She's beyond rehabilitation, if you sit down and talk to her, she will come running and crying asking for someone to pity her as she acts the victim and you the bully. She is hopeless and so she acts like she is. She will come uninvited, she will ask you to take her in. With endearing words she greets you and bids you farewell, she curses and mocks you when nobody hears.

Believe her, believe me. I do not care. Only time will prove me right. Do not come for me in the name of justice when you do not know who you defend. What I've said to you comes as a warning and not persecution. We've already learned how to deal with her. In silence and indifference we find our refuge from her poison. Here we will stay until she leaves. God help us.

Out of my Pockets and into Theirs

2009-09-03T17:14:00.003+08:00

It would seem that our current government is on an all-out shopping spree with the entire nation as the financier.

While people on the street scavenge for food, they lavish away on a multi-million peso dinner claiming to have no knowledge of who paid the bill. Personally, that's the dumbest excuse you can give and I believe a slap in the face is in order to mentally jog his memory.

The parade of exotic cars in front of me reminds us how well we treat our congressmen.

The sea of broken roads and patches of asphalt a clear sign that I'm getting my taxes worth. Even then, I would be painfully reminded that this is all (apparently) from the Mayor's good graces. "Sagipin and Bayan" indeed.

Thieves raiding the country's treasury escape while actors parade the senate with their useless (and highly scripted) defense of a woman who clearly knew what she was doing and is now crying for justice. Why this actor became a senator is really beyond me. Further proof that idiots and mindless sheep still rule the country with their short sighted vote.

Convenient ailments seem to pop-up just when a conviction or a trial is at hand. Courts ruling in favor of old (hopefully dying) corrupt officials.

Honest tax paying seem to inspire me as I watch mall owners and matinee idols elude the long arms of the law (must be pathetic midget hands if you ask me).

People's total lack of respect for my job in the call center industry saying it corrupts the future of employment among new graduates. To you I say: Fuck you! We're the only future you have. In case you didn't notice, tax money comes from these life lines.

I keep hearing that change is on the horizon and yet I feel certain that this is just another phase of the lunar cycle and we'll be forever in the dark. I hope I'm wrong but I know I'm not. When the dust clears and greater bondage is upon us, I hope you've said your prayers. I hope your spirit doesn't break. In the end, your pocket and mine have been picked by the same hand. I pray that you be strong.

Crazy Pig Lady

2009-03-13T20:13:00.002+08:00

It's amazing what people are fighting for these days. Just the other week, I heard about this P.A.W.S. representative asking for donations. Donations for feeds. Feeds for pigs that were scheduled to be killed. Now, I'm a lover of God's creatures but this is ri-goddamn-diculous.

Anna Cabrera, wake up! Do you realize how stupid you sound by asking for such things? Hundreds of Filipinos, people who have nothing to eat, die everyday due to malnutrition or bad health and you're asking me to donate feeds for your dead end cause? Has your organization nothing better to do than ask the government to spend MY hard-earned taxes on special guns that will "humanely" slaughter these pigs? What's next? Tombstones? Crutches for crippled crows?

People have lost their basic understanding of what is right and wrong and their warped, albeit mislead conscience is leading them to a very disturbing place. I hope that P.A.W.S. will come up with a better agenda to spend their time on because this is just plain stupid.

My Calm Surrender

2008-11-04T15:20:00.002+08:00

I wake a few hours after midnight with a heightened sense of fatigue. A long phonecall cut my sleeping time short. I've resigned to the fact that people will only see me as convenient shoulder to cry on and nothing more. When the phonecalls stop, my name is lost in the deep bowels of their phone book.

I brush my teeth trying not to look at the guy in front of the mirror. I'm starting to loathe him for what he has become. I've resigned to the fact that I may not smile today despite my rigorous brushing. Apart from an obligatory happy face that I wear in the office, I see no reason for me to give it essence or substance. A hallow smile should be good enough for show.

I take a bath with my head tilted down. The flowing water reminds me of all the wasted tears I shouldn't have shed. An offering of tears mean nothing more than an inexpensive show of weakness when given to a person who doesn't really give a damn. I've resigned to the fact that my weakness for such people only reflect my flaws tenfold and that my inability to ascertain their real value means my ideals have degraded a great deal.

I dress up grabbing whatever shirt was on top. I've resigned to the fact that no matter how good I think I look, it's never going to be enough to turn heads or leave an impression that exceeds 5 seconds. Looking good has never been my priority and I thought that superficial tangibles are for shallow people. Apparently, it will always be a factor despite women's claim that it doesn't matter to them.

I arrive early at work. A deep sigh always finds its way after I slump lazily to the wall facing the office entrance. I'm always an hour early to avoid rushing things. I've resigned to the fact that my vigilance may not be appreciated or needed at this point. Lyrics to a song holds true that "I'm not always there when you call, but I'm always on time".

I work my butt off. I try to focus on getting the job done early as there is always extra work popping up. People will always depend on you despite the fact that they already know what needs to be done. I've resigned to the fact that despite my importance in the greater scheme of things, they will never promote me because I've become too good at what I do. People below me will move up and it breaks my heart when they come to me for help when they're suppose to be better than me.

I go home and start over. I try to rest and muster the strength to do things all over again when the morning comes. At this time, phone calls come in from people who need me to fix their problems. I've resigned to the fact that no matter how many hours of sleep I lose, people will assume that I have nothing to do tomorrow and that it's okay to keep me on the line. They won't take my advice regardless of how good and logical it is. They've already decided on a course of action which I know will lead them to more pain. It's a vicious cycle and I'm part of it. Though I never get anything out of it, they include me nonetheless.

I'm stuck in a loop. Without you, I find the days all the same. It's better than being with you and go on hurting but it all seems mundane if you're not around. I hope something happens soon. This standstill is making me jittery. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

The Things I never Got to Say

2008-10-26T15:55:00.000+08:00

I know you're taken, I've heard you the first time. I try to look away but my senses can't get enough of you. I tried to be casual about it but everything's in overdrive when you're near or when I feel your presence. I'm not making any sense and I'm not sure if your actions warrant such an attention. An intangible part of me yearns for you. Yearns to be with you.

I know I'm wasting my time when I can be with someone who actually wants to be with me but my sense of logic is overwhelmed because I've fallen. You do know how it feels to fall, do you? Gravity pulls you to the ground and you have no control over the situation. The only thing you can do is hope that someone catches you or you die a horrific death.

I know you'll never see that you deserve something more. Something more than a mediocre feeling of familiarity and a sense of fear for change. I've seen the way he looks at you. He stares as if he's wondering why he's even there. I've seen the same look in people attending weddings where they don't know anyone. I kept thinking how he could ignore you when you're together when I can't take my eyes off you. You defend him when he's being selfish and you tell me that you're used to it. Like a slave who has become numb from the taskmaster's whip, you don't even flinch at the pain. I bleed because you ignore it completely.

I know I'm not good at hiding my disappoint for you. Forgive me. This is the only way i know how. The only way not to love you is to hate you. Hate you for ignoring me during the times I felt I needed your warmth. Hate you for casually putting me aside when I've raised you at the pedestal. Hate the way you cancel on me when all I did the whole time was wait on you. It's my fault. I shouldn't expect anything anyway.

I'm exhausted. Waiting for you when you're not coming is exhausting. Showing you that you can have more is exhausting. Treating you like a Goddess when you treat me like crap is exhausting. But trying to hate you.... is the most exhausting thing I've done so far. So please understand when I pull away and just disappear.

I'm sorry I loved you.

Damaged Goods

2008-10-13T15:10:00.000+08:00

I'm damaged. I constantly talk to myself to drown out all the other voices that keep reminding me how my life should go and what I should do.

I'm damaged. I've given my heart to so many, there's barely enough to keep me going. Whoever said to have loved and lost is better than not to love at all was full of crap. I've got nothing to show for it except scars and a jaded outlook of love.

I'm damaged. I'm working so I could support my medical needs and scavenge what's left of my social life. If I saw this coming, I would've gone Ghandi and starve my ass to death.

I'm damaged. I constantly pray to God that He reveal my purpose on this earth so I could finish it and go back to heaven. The silence is louder than the voices in my head. I would've been more comfortable if He said I were to lead a flock of idiots and drown them in the red sea.

I'm damaged. I keep falling for women who are emotionally unavailable. They're too scared to move on despite the fact that they're generally ignored and treated like an ornament or a trophy. Complacency should be a sin.

I'm damaged. I give out good advices to other people yet I don't have answers to my own problems. The whole "wounded healer" role doesn't really help me at all. Every time I console someone, they take a piece of me. Their tears have left me dilapidated like a used tissue paper. I feel like I've carried their burden and my soul mourns for their pain. When they've moved on, I'm left bearing their chains.

I'm damaged. I've stopped celebrating my birthdays because nothing good ever happens. Every time I ask someone special to go with me, I always get stood up or canceled. It's not that I didn't expect it, I just hate the fact that I keep on hoping that it'll be different this time. Maybe I was meant to be alone. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe people just don't give a shit.

I'm damaged. I feel great envy when I look at babies. They've got no worries and they suck up all the love from the people around them. They sleep so soundly because they know they're loved. I'd give anything to feel their bliss.

I'm irreparably damaged. I feel pity for myself but I'm too proud to cry, too stubborn to change and too tired to care. I'm always gonna be picked last, sometimes I don't get picked at all and most of the times I'm not even on the list. Good guys finish last, huh? If that's the way it is, I'm not gonna run at all. Just tell me when its over so I can shake hands with the asshole that finished first. You probably picked that asshole. He's probably your boyfriend. I wouldn't be surprised.

Malaya ba Talaga Ako?

2008-06-09T14:24:00.000+08:00

Independence day ngayon kaya naisipan kong ilathala ang storyang ito sa Tagalog. Ang kalayaan natin bilang isang bansa ay pinagbayaran ng pawis at dugo ng mga ninuno natin. Pag nakita nila tayo ngayon, masasabi kaya nila na sulit ang kanilang ibinuwis kapalit ng kanilang buhay? Naging malaya ba talaga tayo?

Buwis (tax). Buwan-buwan tayong nagbabayad nito pero kung saan ito ginagamit at kung kanino napupunta ay hindi sinasabi sa atin. Sa tuwing makakakita ka ng lubak sa daan, sirang pampublikong pasilidad, nabubulok na gusali at sangkatutak na red tape sa mga ahensya ng gobyerno, iisipin mo kung kulang pa ba ang binibigay mo para mapaayos ang bansa. Tuwing makakakita ka ng kongresistang sakay ng magarang kotse, opisyal na nasa Las Vegas tuwing laban ni Pacquiao, sign board na may mukha ng pulitiko, iisipin mo kung kaninong sweldo ang nagpondo sa mga yun.

Utang (debt). Di ka pa pinapanganak, sangkaterba na ang utang mo. Di ka na maka-ahon sa hirap ng buhay at ang perang nakukuha mo ay pambayad na lang sa utang ng nakaraan. Buong buhay mo, pilit mo itong binubura pero parang pati si Superman kalaban mo. Bigyan ka man ng gobyerno ngayon ng limang daang piso dahil nagtipid ka sa kuryente, hanggang saan ka dadalhin nuon? Tuwing lilingon ka, tumataas ang presyo ng mga bilihin, pamasahe pero ang sweldo mo nung 1980 pa ang halaga. Tatagal ka pa kaya?

Hustisya (justice). Parang lata na ng sardinas ang mga piitan at kulungan natin pero mga small time pa rin ang mga nakakulong. Malayang gumagala ang mga mandarambong, mamamatay tao at haragan ng lipunan. Pwede kang makulong pero ang mga mayayaman ay merong rest house sa Tanay na pwedeng tirahan. Kahit ilang beses mo silang ihabla at iharap sa korte ay biglang dadami ang mga sakit nila para 'di sumipot. Abo na ang bangkay ng pinanghihingan mo ng hustisya pero nakatengga lang sa courthouse ang kaso mo. Sisigaw ka ng rape para mapagtakpan mo ang kahihiyan mo dahil alam mong ang bayan natin ay mababaw ang luha para sa mga iyakin. Maraming sisigaw para sa iyo, tama kaya ang mga prinsipyo nila?

Pag Ibig (love). Pwede mong mahalin ang kahit sino pero dapat may itsura sya at may pera. 'Di na baleng matagal na kayong may pagtingin sa isa't-isa dahil kung hindi ka nya kayang buhayin ay wala rin syang silbi. Kelangan magustuhan din sya ng mga magulang, kaibigan, kapit bahay at katrabaho dahil importante ang imahe para sa 'yo. Pwede kang tumanggap ng regalo kahit na kailanmay 'di mo susuklian ng pansin. Magkaka-anak kayo ng pinili mong tropeong asawa pero 'di ka na nya susuyuin tulad ng dati. Makikita mo na lang syang may kasamang iba o amoy babae pag uwi. Tama kaya ang pinili mo?

Malaya ka na nga. Nakakapagreklamo ka na eh. Anong ginagawa mo sa kalayaang yan? Ipapahawak mo ba sa iba? Gagamitin mo para pumili ng mali? Sa paggamit mo nito, naaapakan mo ba ang kalayaan ng iba? Malaya ka ba talaga?

Farewell

2008-05-24T23:50:00.002+08:00

Three years have passed and yet it seemed shorter than a week. Months of trying to reach you in vain, waiting on the other end of the line, praying to hear your voice. I have failed. Months sending you mail and messages in all forms, waiting for a short greeting or a sign that you've received my letters. I have failed. One day to travel miles just to see you and talk to you. I have failed.

In my endeavors to find you, I have found only disappointment and a stinging loneliness that even the deafening laughter of friends around me cannot dowse. In my efforts to cling to my eroding feelings for you, I have bled myself dry. Do I mean so little to you? Am I not worth a minute of your time? You're busy, I know. I am too. I see all these pictures of you in all the fun places doing all the fun things and all I can think about is that you didn't even think of me for a second. Am I selfish to think that? Do I ask so much?

No. I'm tired of trying to defend you and your actions. I deserve better than being ignored. When I sought out to find you and end it all, I asked God if I was doing the right thing. I got my answer. God guided me to the one place I would find you and I didn't even make a wrong turn anywhere. I stood on your doorstep and knocked. I got no response and I walked away. I didn't need an answer. Maybe I got used to the blank response I always got from you. I owed myself that trip. The part of me that loves you. Now I know how much effort you'll put on my account. Now I know how I rank in the scheme of things. Now I know what part I play in your life. It's the same amount as the response I got when I knocked on your door.

When I woke up the next morning, I was still lonely. But now, I don't have to be tied up or held back. I no longer set any limits for myself. Now, I can live without carrying the burden of a one sided relationship. I thank you for teaching me a lesson I will not soon forget. I thank you for what love you've shown me. Now I must say farewell.

Somewhere I belong

2007-09-09T21:20:00.000+08:00

I miss the sea and the red sky as it heralds the new day. I've been meaning to get out of the city again and see the place I grew up in.

Unngoy sa Siyudad

2007-08-31T18:19:00.000+08:00

Sa tagal ng pamamalagi ko sa kalye papuntang eskwelahan noon at sa trabaho ngayon, sa tingin ko'y namalagi ako sa pampublikong sasakyan ng mahigit 10 taon. Hilig ko talaga ang pagbiyahe at ang pag-commute sa kalakhang Maynila ay isa sa mga maliit na kaligayahan na aking tinatamasa sa araw-araw. Ngunit gaano man ang hilig ko dito, hindi maiiwasang meron din mga tao na sisira ng magandang karanasang ito. Sa talakayang ito, itatawag natin silang mga Unggoy sa Siyudad. Mga taong nag-aasal hayop!

Unggoy sa hagdanan. Kung madalas kang sumakay ng pampublikong tren ay makakakita ka nito. May mga lubid na nakapalibot sa mga hagdanan upang igabay ang pila ng mga taong gustong sumakay. Pero ano ito? May tumatawid sa mga lubid! At minsan, matatamaan o mahahagip ka pa ng mga naglulundagang mga unggoy! Dugyot na ang barong na suot mo. Madungis na ang itim mong pantalon na kinaingat-ingatan mong huwag maapakan at madumihan. Sira na ang araw mo, sira pa ang porma mong disente sana.

Unggoy Libre. Iba talaga ang epekto ng salitang "libre" para sa mga Pilipino. Parang wala nang bukas at di bale nang ikaw lang ang makinabang dito. Hindi ko alam kong bakit pati libreng periodiko ay kelangang kunin ng tig-iisang dangkal. Magbabago ba ang balita sa bawat kopyang kunin mo? Wala pang alas-siyete ng umaga, ubos na ang libre. Diyata't naubos ng mga unggoy.

Unggoy Rehas. Ewan ko ba kung bakit ang unang rehas sa pinto ng tren ay syang paboritong kapitan ng mga unggoy. 'Di naman sila lalabas ng maaga. Palagay ko ay dahil sa pintuang bumubukas at sumasarado mag-isa kung bakit hilig nilang tambayan ito. Babara sila sa lahat ng gustong pumasok at lumabas. Kakapit sila ng madiin na parang tuko, 'wag lang mawala sa puwesto! Siguradong gusot-gusot ang damit mo na parang galing ng sampayan pagdaan mo sa kanila.

Unggoy Reyna. Sa lahat ng uri ng sasakyan, meron kang makikita nito. Nakaupo ito ng patagilid. Nakaharap sa bintana at tila walang pakialam sa iba pang gustong umupo! Ito ang mga tipong nasanay sumakay ng nag-iisa. Huwag 'mong susubukang makiupo kung ayaw mong matitigan ng masama!

Unggoy Hari. Syempre, di patatalo ang hari. Nakaupo ito ng diretso at nakabukaka ng todo upang ipagyabang ang kanyang pagiging hari. Ayaw nya ng may katabi! At pag nagtabi sila ng reyna, 4 na katao ang sakop nila! Naku, puno na pala ang sasakyan, sa susunod na jeep na lang po, mamang driver!

Unggoy Usok. Kahit ilang panawagan na ang meron sa telebisyon o sa dyaryo at sa mismong pakete ng yosi, madami pa ring nalululong sa bisyo na ito. Ok lang sana kung sila lang ang nakalalanghap. Kung talagang masarap magyosi, bakit nyo pa binubuga? Di ba dapat, hithit na lang ng hithit? Para sa mga hindi nakakaalam, ang pagyoyosi sa pampublikong sasakyan ay labag sa batas. At hindi rin totoo yung commercial na pag nakiusap ka eh, titigil sila. Baka nga mapaaway ka pa eh.

Unggoy Dura. Ilag! Baka tamaan ka ng lumilipad na sipon! Dito ka lang ata makakakita ng taong dumudura sa kalye. Kung hindi ka alisto ay siguradong tatamaan ka at baka kailangan mo nang sunugin ang suot mo para hindi mahawa. Malas mo lalo kung nasa sasakyan sila at ikaw ay nataon na lumalakad sa bangketa. Hindi lang pantalon mo ang maaring masapul.

Hindi lang yan ang mga unggoy na makikita mo sa siyudad. Pero marami pa rin namang natitirang tao. Pag laon kasi ng panahon, dahil nakasanayan na ang mali, nagiging tama. Hangga't may pumupuna, hindi mangyayari iyon. Ipagpatuloy nating pansinin ang mga mali para maituwid at di pamarisan ng ibang tao. Hindi ka maarte kung nasa tama ka. At wala ka sa tama kung ang tanging dahilan mo lang ay ginagawa rin ito ng iba. Kung mahal mo ang Pilipinas, hindi mo hahayaang maubos ang tao dito at mapalitan ng mga unggoy. Kumilos ka. Makialam. Yun lang.... Wala akong sponsors kaya wala ng kasunod.... Salamat po.

Back to School

2007-06-08T11:30:00.000+08:00

"One day, you'll miss going to school", my mom says while I lay in the couch slumped like a drunken college boy. At that moment, I could think of a thousand reasons why she's wrong. The zits alone make up ten and it complicates a high school kid's life on so many different levels.

While I stand in the train station waiting to be whisked away to work, I felt envy for the young students making their way to school. I never thought I'd look back and wish I was back in those days where life was so much simple.

You don't have to worry about money. There seems to be an abundant source of it and you don't have to worry where it comes from or who gives it to you. As an adult, you realize it comes from blood and sweat. It kind of makes me feel guilty for all the smoothies and fish balls I embellished on back when I was young. It's amazing that back then, those were considered a luxury.

You don't have to study all the time. When you're a gifted audio learner like I am (ahem), you don't have to write stuff on your notebook or read like the rest of the bunch. You just listen to the lectures and after the tests, you see that you might have missed one or two things. When you get to college, all the readings and notes you have will be worth nothing against your professor's confusing way of delivering the question and giving you a whole set of choices that seem to fit in. You suddenly feel like Madam Auring trying to guess the right answer with all the cameras pointed at you. Why can't someone come up with a test that has the "connect the dots" theme on it?

Good friends. The friends you had in high school are probably the only real friends you'll ever have. College friends get you into trouble, and work buddies are good until after office hours. You can forget faces you met in college and at work, but you'll never forget who sat beside you in 5th grade trying to peek at your test paper.

The Teachers. You keep wondering why it's important that you know stuff about things you won't really need in real life like trigonometry and physics (at this point, its becoming apparent that I hated math). And yet, when I'm trying to decipher my pay slip, I feel thankful somebody took the time to teach taxation, even after school hours, to someone like me who doesn't like to crunch the numbers. When you're in the real world, no one will bother to sit down and explain things to you. Not unless she (or worse, he) finds you cute.

Spare time. You seem to run out of this as you grow older. Back in the school days, we always run out of things to do. We've finished our homework. We've played 'till we're drop dead tired. All our TV shows are finished. You've already called your crush and asked lame questions like "what's for dinner at your house?". When you look at the clock, there still some time to kill. After work and the long commute home, I often look at the clock and wonder who put the time on fast forward.

Responsibility. You can't be held liable for your actions when you were a kid. Instead of blaming you, the adults would most likely end up blaming each other. That's the beauty of accountability. Now that you're all grown up, you can't blame anyone but yourself.

I'm back in the couch, still slumped and exhausted in every way a person can be exhausted. I hate to admit it, but my mom's right. I do miss the days when I HAVE to go to school.

Cleaning out my Closet

2006-12-22T23:00:00.000+08:00

People have different ways of dealing with painful pasts, unforgettable occasions and glorious moments. They frame it, they hide it away or display their magnificent trophies.

In this season of perpetual hope, I thought it'd be a good time to clean my room and rid it of all unnecessary things. My room speaks volumes about it. It's chaotic and there are boxes you're not suppose to open if you don't want your innocence taken away from you.

As I set out on the almost impossible task of downsizing the volume of junk, it became a trip to memory lane instead. Pictures of old friends and stuff in high school that I'd rather forget, old comic books I failed to return, PS1 games I've spent countless hours trying to perfect, love letters I never gave out (which is a good thing), review materials for the board exam (I've never seen it until now), the small pillow Che gave me (the old c-cube sleeping days, I'm keeping this), unfinished documents on how to solve world hunger (the whole plan is dependent on having the whole of England converted into a farming land), a stack of FHM magazines (a lot of issues missing thanks to Ryan, the compulsive liar), cellphone accessories that I never got to use, Ragnarok prepaid cards, cellphone prepaid cards, ball caps I never use (my hair is sensitive), a damaged pellet gun, oil pastels, rusty dumbbells (that explains a lot), figurines you keep getting during exchange gifts (good for target practice), unused condoms (I hope I don't have a kid somewhere), a corked test tube of stolen potassium permanganate (the stain makes your skin look bruised), used up batteries (worth a fortune) and finally a number of insect eggs.

Every thing's tidy now... Yet I couldn't help but feel that I threw out a few of my memories along with it.

The Dancing Queen will Return

2006-12-11T01:15:00.000+08:00

It sickens me that people like you get to decide the fate of so many. While the mindless sheep have forgotten what you have done, some of us will not be swayed. You betrayed the country and as Judas gave Christ a kiss, you sealed your betrayal with a dance of joy.

It sickens me that while I know I'm right, because of the public's ignorance, you might actually have a chance to grab power once again. And so you plot and scheme to get on the good side of people. I am on to you. And as powerless as I am to stop you from your plans, I will make sure that the public be reminded of your sins before they cast their vote.

MSG on my Mind

2006-11-28T22:09:00.000+08:00

My brother celebrated his birthday today, I still can't believe we're pushing 20's when it comes to age. I feel like I've lost so much time doing absolutely nothing. The feast in front of me gives a numbing effect to whatever I was contemplating at that particular time. I guess MSG has its good points too.

Chinese food is just not the same without MSG. It feels so much like diet coke. Cheeseburger without the cheese and hotdogs without mustard. I know what you're thinking. The last example may seem a little bit weird for you. Very few people have the ability to actually like mustard.

As I'm trying to drown out the MSG with a good glass of red wine (I've been having far too many this week), I can't help but feel like a drunkard trying to find solutions at the bottom of the glass. I still have no clue as to what my next move is. Lets hope I figure it out before I consume the whole bottle.

Forced Early Retirement

2006-11-28T12:40:00.000+08:00

There comes a time in a man's life when he lays down his sword to pursue a more enlightening path of self-evaluation and appraisal. All my life, I've always known that retirement was the number one killer of our aged population. People tend to live longer if they have a job to do. These days when I don't have a job, I tend to think that my health is getting the better of me. Perhaps I should start filling in those quiet moments with loud music.

The problem with prayer and meditation is that you start longing for the afterlife and brings out a lot of issues you have yet to deal with in this world. The future, as uncertain as it is, becomes more complicated if you start to assess your situation prematurely as if your life is on a turning point. If you're not careful, you'll fall into a helpless pit of self loathing or pity.

I must find something to work on soon, but I don't want to go back in the dark again.

A Rebel without a Cause

2006-11-21T22:36:00.000+08:00

"I've been violated!" It's amazing what a woman's cry for help can do to a lot of people. It only goes to show that Filipinos, for the most part, are still chivalrous in nature even if most people claim that times have changed. We still cling to an old habit that he who cries first is the victim. Our sense of justice is based on the impeccable ability to convince everyone that an injustice was brought upon you with only your tears as proof.

I am an adamant believer that women should be given due respect as equals and at times, as superiors. A damsel in distress, in this country, is given the benefit of the doubt when crimes are presented to the media and general public. Times have changed. A damsel in distress may not be a victim after all.

Before you go around in public burning flags and pointing at government officials for their lack of support, I urge you to examine the evidence first. We should not be so narrow-minded to side with a woman just because she claims she has been violated and the alleged suspects happen to be Americans. Their race can be capable of monstrous acts, but so are we.

Let's be honest with ourselves. Any self-respecting woman would not join a group of rowdy men whether they're foreign or local. We all know what type of job entrails that kind of service and no one even questioned it. Of course her family will never admit it and the media wouldn't dare ask the question. A proud parent would never say, "My daughter is a whore and I'm not ashamed of it."

So please, stop waiving your sign boards. Stop your protesting as if you're protecting your country's dignity. You're making a fool of yourself for ignoring the truth. If you're still wondering why the government has not pledged their support, it's simple. They must remain impartial. That's how justice works. This country has to stop the mob mentality. You can't change things by going to the streets with a handful of rebels looking for a cause to shout out. The day we loose faith in justice is the day we loose it.

I'm William Wallace

2006-11-13T21:20:00.000+08:00

I found myself this afternoon reading a piece of testimonial I wrote for the shark. Not exactly wall of weird material. The thing is, I don't remember writing it.

It was short enough, written in Scottish accent. You may not be familiar with it but, if you know the shark, you can visit her friendster account and just see for yourself.

Remember how Mel Gibson portrayed William Wallace, the great legend in Braveheart? The whole testimonial was written and spelled exactly how the Scots would say it.

It's amazing what the mind can perceive when its inhibitions are removed and all the voices in his head comes out in a weird writing frenzy.

Don't ever let me drink alcohol again. The mind is a very fragile thing...

Daywalker

2006-11-03T10:44:00.000+08:00

Being a resident of a society that dwell in the light of the moon, I have become a pale reflection of the man I used to be. I've gained insight, understanding and a profound appreciation of the shadow and all of its inhabitants. In the dark, a sliver of light became a call to rest. The setting of the sun, a call to wake and ready one's self. The nocturnal way of life is a path not so easily diverted. The hold of darkness is strong.

As I see old friends who walk the daylight, they greet me as they set to earn their keep. I give them an expressionless stare. A smile devoid of warmth and sincerity. My drooping eyelids can barely stay adrift as I exchange pleasantries, scripted, as if quoting lines from an old movie. I started to envy them as they walk away with a bewildered look on their face as if saying, "what happened to him?"

Although the dark holds many indulgences of the flesh, my health suffers as I stay to partake of it's pleasures. A slow decay is not part of my grand scheme of things, now I struggle to break free.

Thoughts of a Peaceful Past

2006-09-18T08:39:00.000+08:00

My eyes fell as fatigue took over my senses and I found myself adrift a familiar place.

I've been here before. The muffled sounds outside the glass and the faceless strangers that walk past me. The intoxicating smell of brewed beans and cinnamon I know all too well.

I'm in the mall. Starbucks, 2nd floor. For an outsider, it might seem an unusual place for man to seek refuge from bondage. For my kindred souls who have seen and endured the wounds of battle, it is not so unlikely.

I pick up a good book and sip from the elixir of life. This is how peace should be. Peace is to have the luxury of time to savor every molecule the palate can fathom. To immerse yourself with the emotion of the author's words as you picture every scene, every detail. To share every breath you take with woman you love....

Okay, so maybe there was no girl last time I was there. I'm allowed to change the scene.

I woke up confused. Why can't I have sex dreams like everybody else? Am I so deviated from the norms that even my dreams don't conform?

One of these days, I shall go back to rekindle the peace. 'Till then, I'm off to war.

Tales of a Jaded Representative

2006-07-26T00:51:00.000+08:00

I think I've heard it all. It's not surprising that a race that wallow in superiority complex would think that they can outsmart every one else with their outrageous stories and mundane excuses. They swim in their own fluids, drunk with too much democracy and diluted with the illusion that they are entitled for everything but not for consequences and responsibilities.

I didn't receive my bill.
It's funny how they don't receive their bill but get the free coupons and discounted checks in the mail. I doubt that the postal service is selective about these things. Not to mention the fact that these things are registered. They're fortunate that we're not allowed to tell them what a big fat liar they are. With the number of calls that we receive with this problem, you would think that the postal service was still in it's pony express days. I've seen mailmen work, they're as dedicated as they come.

Why are you charging me with this?
For a super power, a whole lot of them don't really read anything. It wouldn't hurt to check the fine print before enclosing your signature. If you were dealing with the devil, a lot of these people would've lost their soul. A lot of their questions are actually answered just by reading. I guess I should be thankfull. If they woke up smarter, I would lose my job.

I'm entitled to---
They've read their rights. Hurray. They left out their responsibilities. Not surprised. Where else would you see a smoker win against a cigarette company because they didn't say smoking was bad. Where else would you see someone win against a fastfood chain because they got scalded with hot coffee saying the cup was not properly labeled or because they got too fat from eating burgers and fries. Where else would you get a lawsuit because you tried to help a dying man. They know their rights. Apparently, that's all they know.

My excuse is---
They may not be all that bright. But when it comes to excuses, they're infinitely prolific. Some are well thought out but still, some others are insulting. They will throw everything including the kitchen sink to get away with something or to get what they want.
"I threw out my bill. Technically, I never received it. Waive my fees."
"You need to talk to my mother for this?? Alright..... Hello, this is Mary." (mans voice immitating a womans)
"My dog ate my bill."--- classic kindergarten excuse
"I didn't know you have to pay the bill monthly."
"Why is there an interest with your credit card? I wasn't informed of this!"
"I tried to pay my bill (credit card), but your system won't accept my credit card (same card)." follow up question: " That's not allowed? That's stupid. Let me talk to your supervisor!"
"I sent my payment today, why are you saying you haven't received it? Don't you dare charge me a late fee!"

NOT EXCUSES BUT STILL FUNNY AS HELL:
Man: "Your TV says it's cable ready and yet I'm not getting any channels!"
Agent: "Do you have a cable subscription? Have you checked with them?"
Man: "I don't have cable subscription, I don't have to. Your TV says its cable ready!"

Man: "I've had it with your computer company! I've been trying to find this key and it's not in your $%# keyboard!"
Agent: "Which key are you looking for, sir?"
Man: "It says on my screen Press any key. Where is the any key???"

Woman calls 1-800 number for an eletric company
Woman: "Hello. You've got to help me, my neighbor's house is on fire!"
Agent: "Ma'am, you should call 911 emergency. We can't call them for you."
Woman: "I don't know their number, yours is the only one I know off hand!"

Agent has been trying to pull up account for customer...
Agent: "Sir, I do apologize but the account number you gave me is invalid."
Man: "That's $%$#$%^^&. You're not doing it right."
Agent: "When did you establish service with us?"
Man: "Long ago. I've been with ____ (different company) for many years."
Agent: "Sir, you're calling ____ (company name)."
Man: "But all you electric companies are the same, can't you pull up my account? Their lines are busy!"

Agent assisting customer with software installation...
Agent: "Ok sir, you have to insert the CD in the CD-ROM drive. It's in your CPU, the top portion that ejects a tray."
Man: ".........Oh. You mean the cup holder??"

I'll post some more when I get the time. Until then, may your calls be sane and coherent. May the good Lord guide your hand and prevent you from releasing your calls. Jaded as I may be, I still love my job. I hope you share the same fervor with your work.

Darker and Better

2006-06-23T16:16:00.000+08:00

I picked up a new blog template for my articles. The color seems to fit the gloomy details that are enclosed in this small box of thoughts.

In any case, I've failed to keep my unorganized thoughts from smearing the pages of this blog for quite sometime. I pray for better fortunes in the future.

To the Only Woman I'll Never stop Loving

2006-05-10T23:21:00.000+08:00

She never really understood me. She only sees her side. She thinks it's all about her.

We fight a lot. We couldn't be in the same room at one point.

I tried so hard to please her all my life, I forgot how to do things for myself. Tried to live her dream and forgot my own.

every time I'd get frustrated, I'd blame it on the times she wasn't there for me. Blamed it on her when she was too clingy.

She used to do a lot of things for me. Now she acts like she doesn't care anymore.

I realized one day no one could love me more than she could.

She didn't understood me because I never found the time to talk to her.

We fight because she gets frustrated and she expects more from me.

I didn't know. Her dream was for me. She didn't want me to live with the same regret she had. She was thinking of my happiness.

When I blamed her, it was like driving a dagger through her heart. I hurt her badly and without a just cause.

She stopped doting me because I failed to return the favor.

Yet despite my selfishness, she continued to show her affection. She stood by my side when I was at my weakest. She was there when I bled and she wept as if the pain was hers.

The women that broke my heart, I treated like a goddesses. I treated her with neglect when all she did was love me right from the start.

I have mended my ways. I will never look at yesterday with regret again. You will always be the only woman I'll never stop loving. And despite what I've done in the past, you've never looked at me different. I'm still your baby. In your eyes, I never really grew up. I understand that now. I love you mom. Happy mothers day!

A Future Worth Looking At

2006-05-03T18:15:00.000+08:00

As I embark on yet another mission, I hear the clamoring of the voices in my head. Though my objectives are as clear as they have been since I've taken up the sword to fight the wailing foreign voices, my perception of things to come has always been clouded and unsure. As I go deeper and immersed in battle, I cannot stop but think that the blood I spill today may not necessarily be the fuel that will light the way for the future. When the dust has settled and the shroud has been lifted, will I see a future worth bleeding for?

By the time I retire my lightsaber, will I be too scared to walk a path that is tranquil and peaceful? Will I crave for the spoils of war when peace brings only what I need? Will I yearn for the company of old comrades and the refreshing taste of beer after a good hunt when it is replaced by the comforting presence of the one I love?

With a doubtful heart I gear up for another challenge. Hoping that as I strike my sword and lay waste to my enemies, it would be the last. If it is true that people tend to live longer because they have a job to fulfill, I hope I don't live long. I shall not wait for that fateful day but it will resound in my heart as a quiet prayer. Clouded, the future may be, I shall rely on my faith to keep me steadfast and true to myself.

A not so Holy Week

2006-04-18T01:11:00.000+08:00

The sun's blessing pierced through my room curtains as I open my eyes with the same glazed expression the night before. It had been days since my resignation from yet another company, and I haven't had any alternate schemes to finance my ever growing army of needs. The calendar says it's Maundy Thursday. Lent has started and my plans for spiritual growth has not been mapped out clearly. Time management has never been one of my defining attributes. Nevertheless, the Holy week shall not pass with me doing nothing... Or so I thought.

Fasting. In the past, I have been successful in this endeavor. This year, however, my older brother has acquired sufficient cooking abilities to actually prepare a meal for me and my siblings. In the past, we would have stared at each other and see who gives in first. I was able to fast only for a day and a half. I gave in to the barbecued pork. If I was tempted in the desert, Satan would have owned my soul right about now.

Tribute to the Ten Commandments. Every year, we watch Cecile B. De Mille's Ten Commandments. It's something we've been doing since the days of the Betamax. Ah, I sense the young ones are giving me the puzzled look. You might want to ask your daddy or grandpa on this. Although the movie is really old, it's still better than any locally produced film.

Prayer. I planned a whole day of prayer but, as it turned out, they were showing a rerun of the old shaider series. I couldn't pass up the chance to see one of my first crushes. If you grew up as a boy in the 80's, you would know Annie, shaider's cute helper. God bless her every time she would jump high places. That was the closest I got to a prayer.

Easter. I greeted my friends and offered a silent prayer for their safety and prosperity. I went out to meet my barkada from high school. As expected, none of them showed up except for one. We played Yuri's Revenge for a couple of hours and thereafter, I went home exhausted. Not the least bit productive and yet, not a second wasted.

This only goes to show that being evil is so much easier, hence the appeal of the sith lords and the dark side. Now that I'm stripped of cash, I can do nothing else but contemplate on these things and accomplish what I've failed to do this Lent season. The Israelites went in circles for 40 years in the desert so that God can reveal his purpose. Perhaps, this is the same path. Uh-oh, spongebob is on, 40 years in the desert it is.

With much Appreciation

2006-03-14T03:25:00.000+08:00

This month has been a myriad of surprises with the occasional sentimental moments I never fail to cherish. I figured that instead of bitching about my misfortunes, I should start a good habit of listing the things I should be thankful for.

My girlfriend Vyell. Despite our lack of physical contact and her not being able to text back (for almost a week now) for reasons I have yet to discern, she makes me believe I can be who I am and still be loved.

McDonald's Spaghetti. It never fails to hit the spot when you're craving for pasta and mom isn't around to cook you one.

My Mom. Despite my constant lingering around the house, she always misses me and greets me like we've haven't seen in weeks.

My Dad. Even as I declared my independence, he never fails to spot me some cash whenever my wallet eats up my hard earned cash.

My friends at the office. They endure despite my radical behavior (or maybe they're just stuck with me) and keeps me company no matter how short my break is and the travel time I spend with them.

Anne's ball pen. I thought I didn't need one until she gave me this cute light blue cased ball point pen. Not a call goes by without me using it, despite our "paper less environment" policy at work. Feh. I'll get rid of the paper when your system becomes effective. Or until you issue a file note.... Whichever comes first. To Anne: I remember you with each E-tkt I write down.

The seasoned agents, SD's and supervisors. They help me out in times of crisis. With this, I make sure that every question I escalate through them is a challenging one. A shout out to Ms. Lark who challenged me in betting everything I had for one "revalidate" question. Never has my life been summed up that way before. It placed everything into perspective.

With each new day, I face an enemy thousands of miles away. The only way I could defeat them is to satisfy they're lust for retribution and for the pursuit of senseless, petty temporal indulgence of their pointless and short-lived existence. The Accretians were right about one thing. Flesh is indeed weak. It craves too much for the things on this earth.

I thought this was going to be an appreciation for the things that make life easy. It turns out, the depressed/oppressed writer in me can never let it go. Just the way I like it.

A Vampire was Born

2006-02-17T02:12:00.000+08:00

As I sat in the stairways of an isolated haven of night dwellers, the cold breeze from the open doors aroused my memories and stirred my thoughts. Decrepit paintings of a dream, a proverbial nightmare perhaps? No. It was a life I had once lived under the radiance of the cheerful sun.

A young man filled with a passion for exploring new places. A man with a humble wage and a loving woman. His love for her was without equal and his pride was never sovereign when measured against her happiness.

The young man knew, he would need to seek a fortune to build a dream worthy of his love for her. He sought out a task he would be well compensated for. In his search for such treasures, he had lost the emotional capacity to sustain his love for her....

He lost her one rainy day with a goodbye over the phone....

He moved on with his life as if nothing happened. Numb from the pain, he continued on his quest for financial gain. Until one fateful day, the darkness called out to him promising him of his dream and the unfeeling embrace of the night to save him from the senseless lamentations of a lost life. He accepted the offer...

He was a prisoner of a life he could not have and each day was a testament that hardened his heart. Like the pharaoh of Egypt, he was witnessing the hand of God but grew more unbelieving and unconvinced...

Fate, it would seem, if not with a sense of irony that as he hid in the darkness, the light has found him. It reminded him of the good things he had forgotten and the man that he once was. The love of a woman brought her back to the light. He was no longer living in the dark, yet he chose to stay there. His servitude under the reign of darkness has a purpose once again...

The cold breeze has passed and with it the memories as well. The rushing throng of modern day vampires welcome me to the gates once again. It is time to work...

I shall miss you. Hope to hear from you in the morning. Love you! Message sent....

My Funny Valentine

2006-02-15T03:13:00.000+08:00

The waves, I remember them from my youth. It rushes quickly to greet the shores and retreats to the ocean just as quickly as it appeared. It doesn't wait for your contemplation, your remorse, your desires nor does it care for the passage of time. It takes away those who are careless enough to get caught in its tide and it brings to shore those who have drifted away. My life has been a series of waves, each new surge washes away the previous and I'm left with nothing.

I outgrew my temperate youth and saw the waves again. She is no longer the cruel mistress, a bandit of time. She has become my inevitable end, the whisperer of my fate. The things she has taken from me, I no longer require. The treasures she washed up on my shores, I keep close to my heart.

It has been a bad habit of mine to complain about my unfortunate state during the month of hearts. This month is different from the rest although I had spent it exactly the same from the previous years. I have been blessed. No matter how fast the waves come and go, it's the riches the waves leave behind that I look forward to the most.

My dear, you have been an inspiration to me. I love you. Thanks for everything.

The Love Month Cometh!

2006-02-02T03:08:00.000+08:00

Like a snatcher from the streets of Quiapo, it crept up from behind once again. The dreaded day of hearts draw near like an overwhelming army of orcs rushing to crush the gates of sanity. I do not wish to to ride this storm like the rest of the feeble minded human race yet, I feel compelled to act on it. Despite my rational meanderings and pedagogic reasoning, it feels utterly unjustified if I do not exert any effort to show I care. Valentine's day is the epitome of the love's commercialism.

Diamonds are forever. Chocolates for my sweet. Flowers for my love. Has the human race become so materialistic that they need earthly things to manifest their emotions? Can love be summed up in one day and forever be the measure of a man's resolve to win the affections of his loved one? How can we stoop to the level of animals who determine their mate by a single dance of seduction? Pitiful, if not pathetic. Try explaining that to an envious woman who didn't get her gift on February 14. Hell hath no fury... Makes judgment day look like a birthday party at McDonald's. Some things cannot be rationalized, explained and sometimes conveyed properly when it comes to the matters of the heart. Be that as it may, I still feel stupid about the whole thing.

I do hope that I won't have to explain all this to the flower lady at Dangwa. I don't think she would appreciate it very much. I'm too old to fight this sort of thing, all I can do is complain about it. Ultimately, like a huge boulder on the beach, the strong and constant crashing of the waves will eventually turn the hardest of rocks into small and minute sand particles being washed up on the beach. Broken, defeated and virtually indistinguishable from the rest, that's where it all ends. I will promise you though, the tossing, turning and whirlwind of emotions will forever be a distinguished and unforgettable chapter if ever they write a story about you and your one true love. To those who have found their better half, I raise my glass in appreciation of your journey. To those who have not, I envy you completely for the exciting times ahead. This year, let us celebrate love and not Valentine's day. It would be nice if we could do away with the presents too....

Just an Ordinary Day

2006-02-01T02:48:00.000+08:00

I woke up with the same glazed expression as I stare down at my cellphone checking the time. It's going to be an ordinary day. I stood up and outlined my thoughts for a smoother flow of action. I could do this in my sleep, it's the same as yesterday. Or so I thought.

In the middle of my shower, I ran out of shampoo. Ironically, I don't need a lot since I got my aerodynamic hairdo this month. Still, the plastic container failed to even yield a pinch amount. Crap. I said to myself.

I got out of the house at my usual time, I even had the luxury of watching a noon time show before I went out. Halfway down the road to my first pit stop, I realized I didn't bring an umbrella. Experience has taught me that every time I bring an umbrella, God finds it funny that it should be sunny all day. And when I don't, He sees it fit that I should be showered with the rain's blessing. It's too far to go back. Crap. I said to myself again.

I got to the LRT on time and I was going over my expenses. Having paid the bill and payday 10 days from now, everything is in order. As my stored value pass card went through the fare machine, it read a measly P10.00. It won't last another day and I have to buy another. From then on, I was P100.00 short of my budget. Crap. Its the third time today.

As I went down the LRT, I saw the elderly woman who regularly comes there to beg for some loose change. I gave her a few like I always do and felt good about myself. Bait mo, tsong! When I was boarding the bus, I realized I had given away the only loose change I had. Don't say crap. I said to myself. I was saved, there was a P20.00 stuck at the bottom of my wallet. You see, I told you, it'd work out well. A bus worker on strike asked for donations. Absentmindedly, I gave him my change. Crap. I had to see the annoyed look on the bus conductor's face as I handed him a P500.00 bill.

I finally got at the office and got my usual cup of brew from the vending machine. This would calm me down. I realized I haven't reviewed for the proficiency test yet. While my thoughts were dwelling on it... Natatapon and kape mo! Ryan's voice broke me out of my trance. The coffee spill missed my pants but landed on my shoe...the part where my skin was exposed. Crap. Its official, I'm having a bad day.

Proficiency exam. I was first to finish despite Kathy's claim that she finished first. I felt confident and sure of my answers. Someone whispered that we booked the flight in the wrong class. Minor set back. I was collected and confident. After the results went out, my flight was perfectly booked. My answers to the cheap questions were 50% wrong. Crap. There goes my ego.

The day is done, I'm on my way home. I stopped by a small kitchenette to buy siopao like I always do. After I got home, my order of 2 asado siopaos had a turn out of 1 bola-bola and 1 almost empty siopao.... Crap. I checked at the bottom of the plastic bag. No sauce. Double crap.

Just when you think your day is becoming too routine, it turns out to be one heck of an exciting day.

"Life is like a box of chocolates, pag iniwan mo sa ref... kahon ang matitira sa 'yo".-- Words of Wisdom from my Dad.

A New Life from the Scraps of Yesterday

2006-01-30T01:37:00.000+08:00

Has it been that long since I've seen a smile on my face? I gave the stranger in the mirror a bewildered look as if trying to discern his thoughts and his motives. Was yesterday that long that I can't recall anything? Did my life lose its meaning up until now?

In my search for answers, I only found more questions. In my search for truth, I found lies. In the pursuit of happiness, I've felt nothing but pain. In my attempt to gain riches of this earth, I have reaped thorns and thistles. Thinking God has played a cruel joke on me, I tried to fight it. I clawed and gnawed to get the things I thought I was suppose to have and at the end found no absolution. Planning and scheming only to see what you have built crumble like a sand castle in the wind burning your eyes as it falls apart. How far have I to go? To what purpose and direction does my journey bring me?

I gave up. I surrendered. I swallowed my pride and raised my hands in defeat. I knelt in disgrace for the knowledge I have gained has brought me to my end, my experience became my undoing. I have brought shame to those who have taught me, laid waste to their expectations. And finally, like a dying man, I looked at the footprints of my life and saw just how far I've come. I must've been lost, footprints are everywhere. To my horror, it was not all mine. In my self-pity I've neglected the people who walked with me, shared my fate, my laughter, my aspirations. They were my friends. In my selfish walk of life I never noticed they were there all along. Some of them took a different path, some are still behind me... Some others I have left for dead on the side of the road without a hint of regret or remembrance. I cried for the ones I've lost and embraced those still behind me. With renewed strength, I will push forward.

The road ahead looks much foggy and uncertain. This time though, I know I'll never walk alone. I take each step and greet the face walking beside me as I go from here to the unknown. My prayers are no longer of myself but for the souls who call me by name and shake my hand in respect. It was then that I heard the voice of God after a long time. I kneel now, not in defeat but in fervent prayer. My knowledge and experiences are no longer my own as I share it to those who care to listen. I no longer look to the expectations of others, I do not feel the need to impress them any longer. And finally when I lay down, it is no longer to wait for hand of death but to rest so I could greet the next day with a smile.

I stared at the stranger in the mirror, the one with the odd smile. He shall be a stranger no more, I'll make sure of that.

Liar, Liar pants on Fire

2005-12-14T22:33:00.000+08:00

Once again, I'm writing another political piece out of sheer frustration and anger for the mockery of justice and truth in the senate. Former COMELEC chairman Garcillano is being questioned for the alleged cheating and rigging of the recent Presidential election (for those of you who don't know).

This man is obviously a big, fat liar and it pains me to see good tax money wasted on such sessions that reveal nothing. Whenever he is asked about the anomalies with the election returns and the wiretap conversations, he conveniently answers by saying: "I am not competent to answer that question". He even denies that he is the COMELEC official called "Garci" in the tapes despite president Arroyo's admittance with her "I am sorry" speech.

Mr. Garcillano, I have a few things to say to you. Who the hell do you think you're fooling? If you're not competent to answer simple questions and specify your own whereabouts during the time you were hiding, then I would have to question your senility or the medications you're taking. If the whole COMELEC could point to another official who has a name similar to yours, then please do so because I'm dying to see if there is another "Garci" that we are unaware of. If you cannot answer anything else and would remain incompetent as a witness, I would rather see you behind jail for contempt. Maybe then, after you've experienced the luxurious accommodations of our Penal system, you would think twice before you say you are incompetent. To those senators and congressmen who defend him, I sincerely doubt your allegiance to this country.

Personally, I don't care if Mrs. Arroyo stays in office or not. Whether she cheated or not, she will answer to God. Wasting good tax money to fund a big farce and put this poor excuse for a man as the main character is something I cannot allow. I do hope the members of the senate open their eyes and end this disgusting show of disrespect and abuse of our justice system.

Idle and Loving It

2005-11-07T00:53:00.000+08:00

These past few weeks since my resignation, I have spent countless hours playing Ragnarok with a mindless stare that could pierce through several layers of reality. My staple food in the form of a tasteless bag of carbohydrates to keep me energized, a stimulating brew of dark liquid to quench my thirst. As the hours roll by, messages from loved ones inquiring of my whereabouts and engaging conversations flood my almost ignored phone.

I couldn't keep count of how many times I've changed the background image in my friendster account and my messenger has been at it for days. My blood has been replaced by caffeine and I'm bouncing off the walls like a jackhammer, too hyped up to sit down or decently aim the mouse pointer at a certain link.

I've skipped meals, what day is it today? What stirs outside these walls? Phone calls I've missed, there are so many. What could they possibly want from me? Bills are waiting to be paid, I gave it a short glance.

I gave the sun a smile, I've missed him. I played with my cousin and made up for the 2 years I've lost. I kissed my mom good night and see her off to bed for a change. I had dinner with my dad, I've longed to hear his corny jokes. I spoke with my brothers, I haven't heard their voices for some time. I listened to my music and heard my heart beat once again.

I never thought I had lost so much in 2 years. Things I had for the better part of my life. I'm here to reclaim it once again. A familiar smirk swept across my face as the sun shone brightly in my dark lit room.

My best vacation yet. From where I stand, it looks promising.

Clarity in the midst of Sickness

2005-10-28T15:07:00.000+08:00

During one of the most trying times in my life, I was able to realize some of the basic truths that have been clouded about my life. Strange as it may seem, the human condition becomes clear amidst utter chaos and confusion.

It has been almost a year since I have decided to quit my current job and for reasons unknown at that time, I have continued to dabble in labor and bondage longer than I should. During my ordeal with my still unknown condition, I have now realized that I stayed longer because of the friends I have made. One friend in particular who I referred to as the "anomaly" in this blog page. During the course of my mission, I have expressed my disappointment, angst and sometimes hatred towards her but in the end, it was clear I stayed because of her. I understand now, more than ever, that I have loved her all along. Sad that I never told her that.

Some of the stuff I learned during this sickness I'd rather keep to myself. Another hard-earned lesson.

The Jedi Under the Microscope

2005-09-29T16:08:00.000+08:00

As I pass by the brightly lit hallways of the the humid sweat box that is our precinct, I have felt the watchful eye of the general public shifted to my direction. Those sly glances and some unapproving stares greet me with but a hint of disbelief and to some level, disgust.

It is unnerving for a stalker in the shadows to be suddenly caught by a huge beaming light of attention. It means he's doing his job poorly. It suddenly dawned on me that the subject of whispers and private conversations are none other than yours truly. Surprised? Needless to say, yes. I've always thought that I have established my character as a person not worthy of mention or intrigue. It seems I have failed in this endeavor.

To what purpose do these conversations serve? A rumor. A poorly constructed story based entirely of loosely arranged events that have occurred within the week or so. Pathetic that these people have nothing important to do. I must say, it clearly reflects the lack of excitement or even movement in their lives that they must concoct a vivid scene about me. I've always thought that, to imagine me in your sub-conscious state, you must've really hit rock bottom in so many depths and levels. I had to gasp in disbelief as my source reveals it to me.

Oh well, the jedi have been under scrutiny before. If they find this to be a time-worthy event, let them waste it on me. As for myself and my friend, we will shrug it off never knowing what stark-raving madness drove them to this conclusion.

Conversations with a Fool

2005-09-26T13:54:00.000+08:00

I spoke with a fool the other day, here's how our conversation went:

She wants her power to be setup under her name and she'll call back with the address in a week. I told her, we connect the power to the house, not to her.
She complained about why her bill is so high when every appliance in her house is run by electricity. I told her if her house was running on gas, she would be calling someone else.
She cries foul when she receives a disconnection notice when she hasn't paid her bill for over a month. I told her that it's just a reminder that we're not giving her power as an act of charity.
She doesn't appreciates it when she gets late fees when she was just a day late. I told her if I paid her late on a debt I owed her, she wouldn't appreciate it either.
She demands to know why we can't give her an extension. I told her she failed to comply with the last one and the other before that when she begged from a supervisor.
She gets furious when her power gets disconnected when she made partial payment on it a couple of weeks ago. I told her a past due is a past due, regardless of the amount. Read the notice, we sent it for a reason.
She claims she wasn't informed of fees. I told her to read her notices, we sent it for a reason.
She wants her power reconnected as soon as possible because she's got asthma and she's on a breathing machine. I told her a nebulizer is not a breathing machine.
Finally she doesnt want my service anymore. I told her I would miss our conversations. Goodbye.

Bounded

2005-09-13T15:05:00.000+08:00

In the swirling brew of talent mixed in sea of voices bottled in a fish tank that is my job, I have come to unearth a truth that has escaped my notice. The peers I have come to call my friends are actually masters of their own art who have become bounded by this work.

A shark that wields the pen and brush as if the images come to life from her mind.
A catfish that can design a queen’s wardrobe to be envied in the catwalks.
A vampire that creates a world with her stories and imagination.
A gangster who moves like the wind driving to the hoop.
The china man who can earn from any trade.
The veteran tough guy who is a scholar of the law. A Spanish man who learned the ways of love and seduction.
An apothecary who knows the secret of poisons and medicines (stop patronizing yourself!).

These are just one of the few jewels I have found in a workplace driven by the sound of the task master's whip. Beasts of burden condemned helping a race of feeble-minded fools pretending to be a superior being. Their thoughts and actions shackled by rules that a fool deems fair and just.

Who shall wield such talent to good use?

Is the shark fated to use her skill only to post billboards? Is the catfish predestined to show her work only to aging maids? Is the vampire damned to explore her imagination only during avail time?

No! Someone should stop the travesty!

Unlike SBRK's (spoiled brat, rich kids) however, we cannot change jobs to pursue an uncertain path. Bills are certain as death and taxes and this job takes care of it. A lowly apothecary such as I can only dream of a compensation such as this in my profession (at least in this country).

For the meantime, call me a willing captive. I shall have my dues.
I shall rise like a phoenix from the.... (Oops) "Thank you for calling ..., this is Ashley. How may I assist you?"

May Natutunan ba Ako? (Ikalawang Bahagi)

2005-08-15T04:50:00.000+08:00

(Kaduktong)

1st Year College. Napakalaking aral ang natuklasan ko. 'Di ito tulad ng H.S. na kahit 'di ka mag-review ay may pag-asa kang pumasa. Kadalasan, sunog na ang kilay mo bagsak ka pa rin. Ang counterstrike ay hindi subject na kailangan i-major.

2nd Year College. Kahit gaano na kasibilisado ang mundo natin, natutunan kong meron pa ring mga taong huhusga sa iyo base sa iyong itsura at pananamit. Maaring hindi ka pumasa sa mga pamantayan nila, ang mahalaga ay hindi mawala ang respeto mo sa sarili at maging sa kanilang mga humusga sa iyo. Masunog ka man sa ngalan ng pag-ibig, babangon ka pa na mas malakas at mas matalino. Ang tequila ay hindi pareho ng tubig at ang larangan ng pakikipagtalik ay ibang-iba sa mga napanuod mo sa pinilakang tabing na may kasamang awit at saliw ng lira. Impossibleng tumagal ito ng "seven and a half weeks".

3rd Year College. Malapit ka nang magtapos, hindi ito lisensya para magpakawala ka sa sarili mo. Ang mga masasayang alaala ay masasayang lamang kung masyado kang lasing para maalala ito. Hindi ka man respetuhin, kailangan mong respetuhin ang mga babae. Natutunan kong ang Diyos pa rin ang may-ari ng buhay mo at dadalhin ka niya sa lugar na dapat mong paroonan kahit ano pa ang sabihin ng mga prayle sa 'yo at kahit sigawan ka ng officer mo sa ROTC.

4th Year College. Ang mga guro natin ang sandigan ng ating bansa at natutunan ko na mas may karapatan silang tawaging bayani dahil hindi nila iniwan ang bansa nila tulad ng OFW. Ang mga kaibigan mo ay isa-isang mawawala at ang mga tunay lang ang maiiwan at magtiya-tiyaga sa ugali mo. Nalaman kong ang graduation ceremony ay palabas lamang at hindi talaga importante para makahanap ng trabaho. Importante ito dahil kailangan ito ng mga magulang mo.

Bilang isang low-income Pharmacist/Laison officer/MedRep. Natutunan kong kahit ilang beses hindi magpasalamat ang mga babaeng ipinaupo mo sa MRT, hindi ito dapat maging dahilan para itigil mo ang pagiging maginoo. Hindi dapat natutulog sa tren at lalo na sa bus na ang paradahan ay nasa probinsya. Malayo pag lumagpas ka sa dapat mong babaan. Ang pagbebenta ay nakadepende ng malaki sa presentasyon at hindi sa kaalaman tungkol sa binibenta mo. Ang karisma ay natututunan din pala.

Bilang isang call center Agent. Nalaman kong boses babae pala ako. Nalaman kong mas matalino talaga tayo sa mga kano. Nalaman kong sa ganitong edad ay may mga tao pa ring mapanghusga at hindi mo kelangan sumabay sa mga mas bata sa 'yo para hindi mahalatang tumatanda ka na. Sa ganitong edad ay dapat maging huwaran ka ng mga bata at hindi kasabwat sa kalokohan. Sabihin man nilang KJ ka, nasa wasto ka nang pag-iisip para malaman ang dapat gawin. Hindi masarap ang pita pie pag kasama ng mountain dew. Masakit matulog sa sala ng ilang linggo. Nalaman ko ring hindi nakakatuwang maulanan ng gamo-gamo bilang panggising. Hindi dapat maging dahilan ang pag-ibig para manatili sa isang relasyon na makaksakit sa 'yo, pisikal man o emosyonal. Hindi magandang gumising ng may galit at poot sa puso.

Habang nabubuhay tayo, natututo tayo. Iyan ang motto ng paaralan namin na isinalin ko sa tagalog. Dati'y pinagtatawanan ko lamang ito ngunit 'di ko akalain na balang araw ay sasang-ayon ako dito. Maging mabuting guro sana ang buhay nyo para makarating kayo sa inyong paroroonan. Ang buhay ay maikli para sayangin lamang sa mga pangarap. Isabuhay ang bawat araw na parang ito na ang huli, kumanta na parang walang nakikinig, sumayaw ka na parang walang nanunuod, magmahal ka na parang 'di ka pa nasasaktan. 'Yan ang prinsipyo ko sa buhay ngayon. Hanggang sa muli.

May Natutunan ba Ako?

2005-08-14T18:08:00.000+08:00

Bilang pagpupugay sa linggo ng wika, minarapat kong ilathala ang artikulong ito sa wikang tagalog. Pakay ko ay ipakita sa lahat ang kagandahan at kakaibang karisma ng dilang ating kinalakihan. Nawa po'y magsilbing inspirasyon sa inyo ang munting storya 'kong ito.

Sa pulotong ng mga bagay-bagay na natutunan natin sa paaralan, iilan ba talaga ang nagagamit natin sa tunay na buhay? At kung sa tone-toneladang bagay na sapilitan nilang isinaksak at inukit sa isip natin ay hindi naman kailangan talaga, meron ba talaga tayong natutunan?

Pagkatapos nating matutong magsulat at magbasa, mag-aral ng simpleng mathematics, para saan pa ang mga dagdag na kaalaman? Iyan ang madalas na dahilan kung bakit wala nang intensiyon ituloy ang pag-aaral ng karamihan sa mga kabataan natin. Sa isip nila, ang lahat ng ituturo sa iyo pagkatapos ng mga nabanggit ay 'di na essensyal sa kabuoan ng pagkatao nila.

Nais 'kong banggitin ang mga bagay sa buhay na natutunan ko sa aking mga guro, kamag-aral at sa lahat ng taong naging bahagi ng storya ng buhay ko.

Sa kinder, natutunan 'kong ang tao ay likas na inggitero. Ang magandang pencil case mo ang magiging mitsa ng isang munting kompetisyon kung sino ang mas poging estudyante.

Sa grade 1. Natutunan kong kahit anong galing mo sa kahit anong laro, pag kapwa mo lalaki ang kalaro mo, di ka nila isasali kung sa tingin nila ay matatalo mo sila. Sa babae naman, queber kung magaling ka o hindi, kung ayaw nila sa 'yo, 'wag ka na umasa.

Sa grade 2. Natutunan kong importante ang mag-practice magsulat. Kahit mukhang walang kwenta ang paulit-ulit na isulat ang pangalan at alpabeta sa papel. Sasang-ayon ka rin sa akin kung isang araw ay magising ka sa katotohanan na mukhang pirma ang sulat mo.

Sa grade 3. Lalong lalalim ang hidwaan ng lalaki at babae dahil dito na lumilitaw ang malaking pagkakaiba ng hilig ng dalawa. Tingin ng batang babae sa sa kabila, kadiri silang lahat. Sa kabilang kampo naman, tingin nila sa babae lahat maaarte at OA. May mga pagkakataon nga lang na dadaan ang maganda at seksing guro sa kabilang section at lahat ng yaon ay maglalaho. Malalaman mo rin na kahit maarte sila, di naman sila mahirap pakisamahan. Kahit mabaho at kadiri kami paminsan-minsan, isa lang yan sa mga bagay-bagay na mamahalin nyo tungkol sa amin.

Sa grade 4. May nakilala kang may itsurang kaklase mo. Sa tingin mo in-love ka na kahit di mo kayang ibaybay ang lahat ng gusto mong sabihin sa love letter mong nakasulat sa yellow paper. Hindi na alintana sa 'yo ang kutsain ka at pagtawanan dahil tingin mo romantiko ka sa mga ginagawa mo. Matututunan mo rin na

Grade 5-6. Pakiramdam mo ay may nagawa ka nang pwedeng ipagmalaki kasi malapit mo nang matapos ang isang baitang. Natutunan ko na kahit wala kang award at nakapikit ka nang kinunan ka ng graduation picture, malaking accomplishment pa rin yon.

1st-2nd Yr. H.S. Bagong mundo, bagong hamon. Natutunan kong kahit gaano ka-cute ang teacher mo, hindi mo dapat syang kindatan. Yun lang yun.

3rd-4th Yr. H.S. Natutunan kong dapat mong siguraduhin na hindi ka nakahawak sa linya ng kuryente habang sinusubukan mo ang home-made mong transformer. Dapat mo ring tignan kung ang kahoy na ginagamit mo para itayo ang kulungan ay hindi gagamitin ng karpintero para itayo ang gusali sa likod nyo. Mahirap tapusin ang project ng isang gabi lalo na kung inatasan kayong gawin ito sa luob ng isang buwan.

Abangan ang susunod....

Stop the Politics

2005-07-10T12:41:00.000+08:00

Finally, I've decided to write about the ongoing issue about the President's admittance to the controversial tapes and the implications it brings.

With regards to Susan Roces: Your acting is not convincing either. If you think an army of paid peasants will help you take over the presidency, you're living in a movie. Why should I call your husband your Excellency when he can't even spell it. Like all other dumbasses who know nothing, you and your husband would've been played like puppets by two of the most corrupt senators in the land. Good intentions and a movie career doesn't qualify you for anything. I'd rather have one corrupt official running the show than two.

With regards to Noli De Castro: I will not bow down to someone who pronounces "special" as "spatial". Your credentials are about as impressive as crap smeared over a canvass. It may appeal to some people, but for those who know better it would still be fecal matter. I will not stand and see our great nation embarrassed with you bringing along an english interpreter. You haven't done anything as a senator, what makes you think you can do anything with the weight of the whole nation under your shoulder? He who cannot be trusted with little things cannot be trusted with big things.

The nerve of these people. Even the most educated man can be doped by a taxi driver who knows his way around the highways and byways. Politics is the same way, a lot of people will exploit your ignorance the moment you manifest it. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know these two have a lot. We cannot let the peasants dictate the nation's future for they have no control over theirs. These mobs don't pay their taxes, we do.

Mission End

2005-07-04T21:19:00.000+08:00

After much stalking and probing, my worst fears have been confirmed. The Anomaly turned out to be nothing more than a spark of light in a sea of illumination. My intuitions have once again thwarted my hopes. Hopes that somehow I could change it.

After a long ordeal of fighting for sanity while I was under the influence of the flu and fever was running my imaginations wild, one blinding truth broke it and eventually brought me back to reality. She sent a message saying she would only treat me as a friend and nothing more. Ouch. That hurt the second time. Once again, I've been judged before given a chance. What are the odds of that? I seem to be breaking odds all the time...

With much thought, I blame myself again for hoping against my better judgment. Frankly speaking, I'm disappointed at her because I thought she was different from the rest. But mostly, disappointed at me for I thought I could change that. Charge to experience seem to be the fitting response for all this.

I'm currently undergoing my usual meditation to console myself and avoid getting too bitter. I pray for her as well, asking God to open her eyes. Genuinely speaking, I fear for her for she may not find anyone if she keeps this up. She is my friend, after all...Though she may not treat me as one. Reminds me of something I learned from a mentor of mine. "You're always trying to find someone perfect to love", he says to me. "Try to switch it around this time. Find someone to love and I promise you, she will be perfect. No matter how she looks or what she does." He was right, of course.

Finally, I must apologize for not updating this blogg. It has been good to me and I've neglected it.

A Working Title

2005-03-28T17:39:00.000+08:00

I haven't made any recent entries on this blogg as internet access has been scarce and ultimately inconvenient. I'll try to add new stories as much as I could. Meanwhile, I'm happy to report that I have finished a lot of interesting books these past few months. I recommend that you take the time to read Dan Brown's books. Also, the Waterborn and the Blackgod if you're fond of arabian nights type of books. Bridge of Birds is also interesting, first novel with China as the setting I found to be worth reading. I must bid thee good-bye. There is a fat chance I may not be able to open this blogg again but, who knows....

Older and Almost Better

2005-01-29T07:28:00.000+08:00

A smile falls on my face 5:30 in the morning on a jeepney ride home. I realized I've been using the same old route I've used since elementary school. My friend's place I've been going to since grade 5. It's funny how you grow up and become the same person with an older face. My friends and I have always imagined that we would still be playing the good game even if our arthritic hand would give up on us, hoping by then the game would be triggered not by hand but by thought. Hoping that by the time we would have the money, we would still be unbound and unattached (too bad guys) so we could play all we want without having to answer to no one. Here I was, living a dream I had when I was in high school.

Most people would tell us to grow up saying such pursuit of hollow happiness would be a complete waste of time. I've always believed it to be the other way around. People forget that the reason why and where we are now is a product of such dreams. We wanted to get jobs not for the sake of becoming employed but because we could use the money to better our lives. This is exactly what I'm doing. The little joys that I partake make me a well-rounded person. I am building up for the future as well, but not at the expense of the present. We can't always look forward, we also have to look at where we're walking and sometimes retrace our steps.

As my friends and I gather and throw our regular insults and criticisms at each other (we've been doing this ever since), I remembered imagining the same scene way back. We've been scarred by time and burned by mistakes but the men I saw in that room were the same boys that I grew up with. We have not lost ourselves, our identity. Most adults do. Looking back, we never planned it to be exactly like this but I'm glad that fate brought us here anyway.

Constants to Keep

2005-01-08T22:23:00.000+08:00

It's quite amazing how the season goes by and the things around us change. The constant passing of time, legions of faces, images and sensations that come and go blow like the Eastern wind. Yet, some things remain after another year ends that proves that change does not hold sway over all things. They are people and tools of habit that stand the test of time, so to speak.

Coffee. A cup of brew is a constant reminder that not all things are doomed to failure. Every sip a promise that tomorrow will be a less crappy day. Every moment savored rejuvenates the body and soul like the gospel to a zealous church woman. An addiction allowed by the law.

Friends. Your comrades will always be there to lend you a helping hand, ask for a helping hand (in cash, of course) and give you a constant nudge in the shoulder to remind you that you still owe them money or they need another loan. They're always there to ignore your advice and cry on your shoulder when they fail and give you the adequate blood pressure to make you want to scratch off all of your hair. They also come in handy when your lonely, they can lend a sympathetic ear even though they don't understand a word your saying. Truly, a treasure worth keeping when you have absolutely nothing.

The Net. The internet is a vast space where you can get lost on purpose. A place to hide. You'll be flooded with proposals that promise sex, virtual sex and self sex. Never has there been a place so perverted since Soddom. It is also a place where you can throw your thoughts and ideas and get a response that is either violent, insulting or mildly titillating. It has long since served as a haven for people with no real friends or can't speak well enough to interact. It contains a lot of information about things you need to know, don't want to know or wish you didn't know. A useful tool, an escape from reality.

Love. Or at least the promise of it, makes better men out of us. A comforting thought that at the end of the day, someone who loves you can make all the boo-boos go away. A renewed promise that even after a days temptation, we still go home to a faithful someone who eagerly awaits our loving arms to wrap around them. A soothing balm that heals the wound dealt to you by the last idiot you spoke with over the phone. A smile that wipes away the tears you shed after you've sold an emperium for 100 zennys (ragnarok players only). Being in love and falling for someone has always been the most pleasurable constant I can never get used to. I hope I never will.

Ended in a Whimper

2005-01-03T08:48:00.000+08:00

This year's celebration of the new year ended in quite a depressing note. I was at the office doing my yearly contemplation of the things that came to pass. I realized that being bound to this work of mine has hampered my growth as far as sociology is concerned. I was able to go out less and I have not made my usual number of acquaintances the last year. Upon deeper thought, I found myself to be alone once again. Ever since quitting "the game", it's been harder to find lasting relationships. A sort of "punishment", I suppose.

It was only until the last month of the year that I had muster the courage to let go of my short term relationships with "old friends". It's hard to say "no" to sex, especially when it's offered to you in a very seductive package. You'll know of this if your a guy. It used to momentarily numb me of the loneliness but lately it's been making it worse. The thought of being used as meat for the hungry reduced me to nothing more than a whore (and not in a good way 'cause I'm not getting paid for it). The path I chose is proving to be a difficult one, self-denial always is.

There I was, sitting in a the corner of the office with my head against the wall feeling sorry for myself. The fireworks outside is temptingly amusing but I couldn't bring myself to get out of my seat and watch it. The year ended in a whimper. I do hope it's not going to be a trend from now on. Then again, we never get what we want. We always get what is needed and if God saw it fitting that I go through with this then I shall.

Foresight for the Coming Year

2004-12-26T19:41:00.000+08:00

(The Preacher side of me talking)
Yet another year has almost reached it's end. Winter can be a long, cold night for those who wait for the warm comfort of affection. Alas, we must be headstrong and look forward to a new day with renewed hope that God will carry us through. The future may be bleak and unreassuring but rest easy to know that these undertakings will mold our character and give us the strength we need to overcome the trials of tomorrow. We may not be given the clairvoyance to see what lies ahead but we shall be content in living each moment to the fullest.

(The Coffee Addict in me talking)
Ditto. Just as long as I have a good brew and a good book, whatever fate deals me I shall face with a warm, sleepless smile. The future can be warm and calm only if you want it to, but why choose that? So many things to see and things to do, the loneliness won't set in as long as you keep on working. Play something with a little bounce in it, don't pull out your "senti" CD's, that will only keep you down and longing for things that maybe you're not suppose to have. I agree with the preacher, live each moment the way you sip your coffee: drink to indulge not to quench the thirst.

(The Jedi in me talking)
Clouded, the future is. If you knew what the future is, then it would not come to pass. Be mindful of the things you say to others for the world you move in is tied to your fate. Your longing for affection was part of the old life that you have forsaken. The jedi life should not be corrupted in self-indulgence. Love to heal others and not to fill the gaping void in your heart. Trust your feelings. You'll traverse everything just as long as you stay focused on your true mission.

(The Comic in me talking)
It's all good. I consider it a good day when I don't get cuffed, put on a choke hold or blinded with pepper spray. Don't ask why, I don't. Just keep your head high and pretend you own an obscenely huge amount of money, that'll keep you jolly until you start reaching for wallet. You are what you feel. So don't go reaching for that wallet, if you do, you'll be reminded that you have no money and that you're alone (explains why you only have pictures of you in there, or worse you and your ex).

Hope next year will bring you a renewed appreciation for the things you have. It's like I always say: Life is like a doughnut. (No. Not because it's round, dumbass) It's all filled with different flavors and tastes and take on different sizes and colors. Yet some doughnuts have holes in the middle. If a person looks at the hole in the center, you'd realize that the same hole fills the void of everything else. It's the dream house you can never have, the car you've always wanted or that girl you've always had a thing for. If you concentrate on that hole, you'll never notice your life pass you by. Try to appreciate your life, the one that surrounds the hole. If you take time to appreciate it, you'll see that it's as good as any flavored-filled doughnuts. Happy holidays!!

Christmas by Myself (once again)

2004-12-21T16:30:00.000+08:00

It's a record. I've managed to stay single through the holidays for 24 straight years. Can't say I'm proud of it but, it's an achievement on it's own. It seems only last year I promised myself never to allow anything to come in the way of finding romance, I inevitably missed out on it again. A trend, I suppose. It's the same scene as always: I'll be looking out on the window thinking of the things I could've done, things I could've said like something from a cheesy feel-good movie.

Although I value companionship as much as the next guy, I can't bring myself to rush things and sometimes say things even when it should be at that moment in time. A weakness I am aware of, much to my regret. It's ridiculously funny when I can sweep any woman off her feet but feel so uneasy at even trying to say something nice to someone I really like. Must be a curse that all ex-players must deal with. The only explanation I could think of is that when you say flowery words to someone to impress them, it's easy and you don't think of the consequences because it doesn't bare any meaning to you as opposed to saying it to someone you do like. Doesn't make sense sometimes. It's better that way I guess. If attraction was easy I guess we would have a good book about it.

By the way, I decided not to go about with the mission I was tasked with. I've contemplated and concluded that everyone deserves the chance to be happy. If this girl really loves this asshole, it doesn't matter what I show her. She would still choose him. If she gets burned in the end, maybe it's a lesson she needed to learn. Plus the fact that I don't really have the time and energy to steal someone's affection. I already have my hands full with this girl I like (not that I've done much) without having to take on a new load.

Somehow, I feel that everything is in its place. In as much as I want to change things, I'm afraid I don't have the will power to do that yet. I just hope she understands that she's that important to me. Not that she reads any of my journals here, still I'm hopeful that she will know.

Unbecoming of a Gentleman

2004-12-20T10:01:00.000+08:00

"Wow, you sound so cool!", she was almost too easy. "Steal her from her crappy boyfriend.", an earlier conversation. "Help her. You owe me!", the words came of a shock to me. I was to become that monster which I hated the most. And yet out of all this, it felt like I owe it to this wonderful woman that I should snatch her from her present state. She's a middle-aged woman in her late twenties. Tall, beautiful and surprisingly intelligent. She's bound to marriage soon and her soon-to-be husband is all but right for her (at least from the point of view of her friends). They have suspected him of cheating and all sorts of betrayal. "She doesn't deserve this.", the voice said again. "Do this one more time.....for me.", a sigh and a nod. I could only agree.

Here I was, setting out on a dark but sacred mission as well. I'm still contemplating on the fact that despite her unusual liking for me, she is contented with her life. "I'm not cut out for this...", I said to myself, "...not anymore."

I couldn't say no to this mission. I owed her a lot. If I could do this, I would have repaid all debts and finally I could say "A heart for a heart, my debt is repaid." Still, a guilty conscience I must carry, the "mark" is simply unaware of my intentions and the repercussions of what I'm about to do could ruin her perfect life. To even consider breaking up a relationship is unbecoming a gentleman and a jedi most of all. "Think of it, you're actually saving her from a huge mistake.", the voice said again.

With my eyes closed, I moved in and introduced myself. It has begun....

Silent Stupor

2004-12-05T18:15:00.000+08:00

"Hey, It's been a while....", the voice said with a casual tone. "I'm sorry I haven't even tried talking to you....", with a hint of trembling regret. She gave him that indifferent look as he tries to reach out for her. "I know I have no right to tell you this, and I probably shouldn't...". She ignores him and continues to do her doodling. "I've been thinking about you and....", he grasps for the words that he practiced earlier on. "....I like you a lot and I was hoping...", she cuts him off and says, "I'm sorry, you're really not my type." He tries to explain himself, "I know I'm not, I was just hoping you would....", she interrupts him again and says "There's no need to." "What for?". He just stood there, can't believe what he just heard. This was not what he practiced while he was acting this very scenario on the way to work. Tears which he thought had dried out from all the pain before once flowed again, the bitter harvest of rejection. Suddenly the dark took hold of him again. There is no point in trying to. It is inevitable.

Then I woke up. It was just a dream. Or was it? Was it a conclusion drawn from emotions? More importantly, was it foresight? Fear started to creep from the dark corners of my psyche. I don't want to be that person again. I promised myself I would not let it happen. Then there was nothing but silence. I couldn't move.

Just Got Paid

2004-11-29T01:45:00.000+08:00

Nothing feels like the warm sensation of reaching out to that ATM and getting some of your hard-earned cash. Makes the torture of having to explain the energy deregulation law to an 80-year-old woman worth it. I've had money before, but it's not quite like this.

Makes my policy of "don't mind the money, mind the work" really hard to swallow. I have to keep reminding myself that the cash I earn is only a means to an end, not the main goal of why I work. This way, I love my job and the dough is just bonus. Someday, I'll setup a business of my own, be my own boss. For now, let's be the good employee.

Blinded Future

2004-11-21T17:28:00.000+08:00

Recently, a chain of events have occurred that has turned the tide. The powers that be has decided to assign me to another split. A decision I was not advised of. It is not my place to decide on where my battles should lie but, a warrior must know if he would be thrown into a fray. Now, I fear for my survival. It was unforeseen that the perks I was beginning to enjoy would be taken away so quickly.

Anyway, enough about my job. A jedi's work is no place for a blogg. My attention draws to chuvaness again. It's been an unsettling scene to watch her be drawn to someone else. I fear that she would fall for this friendly admirer, I must do something quickly before she is lost to me. I can no longer afford to remain in dark and watch her drift away. Still, I wouldn't know what to do if I were to make a move. The path of uncertainty is a road I never choose, it's been a policy of mine to always take a path I know would lead me to a place I want to be.

Too much risk for something so uncertain. Will it be worth it? We shall soon see.

My Word is Stronger than Oak

2004-11-06T20:10:00.000+08:00

This statement is from a movie starring Tom Cruise. It denotes that a promise from me is stronger than any contract you can ever sign.

A couple of weeks ago, I had made a pact with my supervisor that I won't be absent if I could avoid it. This day, I am bound to attend an important family event. I chose not to go. In the eyes of my family, it is but another show of rebellion and neglect for the bloodlines. For me, it is a testimony of manhood.

The difference between a man and a boy boils down to one thing. A man is responsible for the things he does and says. A boy however, is not accountable for anything. Today, I chose to live up to my duties and my word at the cost of having a lot of eye brows raised at the family affair. I've never broken any promises, I'm not about to start now. Many people despise me for this trait, some admire me for it. My concern lies not with what people think of me, but what I think of myself. I could never look myself in the mirror if I know I could've done better. If the heroes of the past chose to be with their families at the hour need, the country would still be in slavery. Sacrifices are made for the good of everything. This small birthday party is just the beginning.

In the end, what makes man a man are the choices he makes. Not his past, not his rapport, but by the things he stand for.

An Unsettling Silence

2004-11-06T19:42:00.000+08:00

It's been quite a while since I wrote at this blogg page. The silence that followed after the horrible loss of internet access at the office was simply unbearable. The aftermath that followed was even more catastrophic. The blame game was on. It was rumored that one agent was responsible for this senseless deprivation of privilege, her name I dare not say. One story points to a seemingly hapless girl who exploits her internet access, the other points to a vulgar agent who shared her privilege to others. Which story is true? I dare not say at the risk of becoming biased. The seemingly hapless girl is one of my good friends. The other, however, has a bad image on me.

The loss, however, opened up a rather interesting fact. Most agents who use this privilege do it out of either boredom or just because it's there. The one's who really need it still go out of their way to access the net. One such as me. For me, this privilege is a window for my thoughts. My mind often wanders into the void and barely stays inside the confines of an office. The net has proven to be quite a space to wander about. For those who still view this blogg page, my thanks to you. Bare in mind though, that I write simply to satisfy my hunger to express myself and not to impress the readers. Explains why I continue to type away even when there is no one to listen. My heart goes out to chuvaness who has deeply suffered at the loss of this little office perk. Hopefully, this undertaking will give her time to interact with the people around her. More so, with me. I'm keeping my fingers cross. Hopefully, this unsettling silence would hide my intentions.

Wheels of the Industry

2004-10-28T08:50:00.000+08:00

This past few weeks have been a real back-breaker. I found myself waking up to go to work early. The thought of logging in to take in calls gave my blood a stir it has so longed for this past few months. I have come to love my job again.

Aside from my "chuvaness" who gives me inspiration, the powers that be has given us something to look forward to. Extra earnings. Nothing drives the wheels of the industry like the promise of a good cash register ring. The calls are never on queue for a long time as the agents rush to get more calls. A renewed gladness and strength has gripped the whole precinct. Is as if a Christmas miracle started early. The tables have been turned upside down. Agents frown when their on "avail" status, the noise that lingers are that of business matters, the team leaders are begging for us to take our breaks.

How long before the human soul becomes unsatisfied once again? Only time will tell. For now, it is the age of progress. Let us hope it stays longer.

The Jedi Unmasked

2004-10-09T06:06:00.000+08:00

Recently I have learned that the "anomaly" had discovered the nature of my intentions for her. A jedi trait perhaps? During a recent exchange of information from "Agent D", the beautiful and seductive traveler from the east, I have learned that she had been aware of my mission for God knows how long! Clearly this is a breach in security that I had not foreseen. I have underestimated my quarry and she turned out to be smarter and more observant than I had originally anticipated.

Then again, (and I've said this countless number of times), I'm not really good at practicing discretion since my feelings get ahead of me. A flaw I'm unable to correct since time in memorial. I only wish I had told her myself rather than her deducing it from sheer observation. I wish I'd told her how my heart stops for five seconds every time she smiles, how she inspires me and lights up my darkest moments, how a man of so many words become speechless at the mere sight of her. Okay, maybe it's a little cheesy but, it's understandable because of my current state. Oh, regrets.

The tension grows, however. The distance between us narrows at each passing moment. There may be no hope for me to ameliorate the situation. 'Tis a tragedy to lose the battle before it has begun. For now, I intend not to end the masquerade and try to build whatever it is that I've started. I wish I would have her eyes look at me in the same way again. May God help us in this undertaking.

Journey Back to Dark Side

2004-10-03T13:06:00.000+08:00

I had another encounter with the dark side just recently. What seemed like an innocent team bonding with a couple of officemates turned out to be a blast from the past. I found myself in the familiar dance floor at Ratzky. The music was just right and the dance floor called out to me like it once did before.

In life, all of us have to deal with our dark past and the things we gave up for the good of something. Kenshee Himura has his Battousai past and Beatrix Kiddo has her Black Mamba. I, on the other hand, had this other side of me I thought I had already banished. I must admit that when I was there, I couldn't fathom why I gave up all the partying for. Life is good and I'm young and single. "I should be out there grazing and stalking wild prey", I said to myself. Then again, the price I had to pay for all the hard partying back then made a painful backlash to my health and my financial standing. It takes a man to live dangerously and be on fortune's good humor but, it takes a better man to say "no" to the easy way out and do what is required of him.

Chuvaness once said that I look older for my age and that I act too seriously towards a lot of things. I replied and told her that maybe I just grew older earlier than most guys. When I think about all the money and time I've wasted during those partying years, I could never really forgive myself for not seeing clearly the path that I SHOULD take. I made promises to a lot of people I love and I intend to keep them. I've never broken a promise before and I'm not about to start now. I've hurt a lot of people this way, some of them are my closest friends. But in the end, if they are your friends, they will welcome you again with open arms. Be it your dark side or not. This is the path I chose. I hope you have already made yours, wisely.

2004-10-03T12:36:00.000+08:00

A picture of my favorite dark lord of the sith...

2004-10-01T12:17:00.000+08:00

A graphic illustration of Jealousy, kinda blurry dont you think

Jealousy for those Who Care Not

2004-10-01T11:43:00.000+08:00

Yet another entry regarding the ever elusive chuvaness. To this day, my progress gained as much as the peso had recovered against the dollar. A weary and dreadful outcome seems to be the theme for every chance encounters.

My unease whenever she's around becomes more and more prominent with each passing day. I'm usually an affectionate guy, making my presence felt with a pat on the shoulder or a surprise back massage and even a light kiss on the cheeks with some. With her, everything changes. A greeting with a conservative smile, an eyebrow salute at the hallways and a not-so-accommodating wave good-bye. To some, it has become evident that I treat her differently and I act strange around her. To her, it is but a mere, trivial matter. She cares not for the way I treat her and is mostly unaware of my presence. At least to my knowledge. I've been catching her off guard with sly glances in my direction, I treat it with a comical tone for it is not in good nature of a Jedi to assume things.

Jealousy is indeed only for the things you would want to be exclusively yours. It may be that she does not wish to be treated the same for the simple fact that she does not care for it. People are starting to notice and she seems to be the only one who is absolutely clue-less regarding the matter. If she knows, I would really like to get at least a reaction of some sort, believe me when I say something is better than nothing at all. And so, my journey continues....

2004-09-24T18:44:00.000+08:00

This poorly made picture made it look like I was in a jedi dream sequence.

2004-09-24T18:36:00.000+08:00

This is one of our pathetic attempts to promote some of our favorite products using our own marketing skills. Notice the almost fake smile I have...

Chuvaness Conundrums

2004-09-24T17:46:00.000+08:00

I spoke with the shark on the account of our chuvaness. It has been a while since the shark had start to stalk its prey and I started investigating on the anomaly. Since then, we have been inspired in ways we could not even start to explain. It is clear that the chuvaness has become more than a prey to the shark and has become more than an anomaly to me. We are left in a precarious position of moving forward in the direction where we can't go back or to remain amidst the crowd and continue on with the mission that we both started out on.

The competition seemed unabated and are constantly pursuing chuvaness at a disturbing pace. As much as we would like to take up the challenge, we are confronted with deeper issues that we were not able to resolve during the length of our mission. The fear of rejection has always been a hurdle on my part and the response of chuvaness to this advance might be treated as a consequential event brought about by her magnetism. I must admit that her smile never ceases to make my day. The number of suitors she had rejected in this manner might be the requiem for my unwanted attraction to her. A fitting end, I suppose. Tragic nonetheless.

A "husky" plan comes to mind, as suggested by the shark. Humorous, to say the least. Highly inappropriate when applied within the bounds of reality and the norms of human society. "I crush you" is hardly a good way of expressing one's affections. I must contemplate more on how to convey this matter in a more dignified and fitting expression. Something better than "I crush you." No pun intended.

Incohesive Thoughts and Memories

2004-09-19T10:17:00.000+08:00

I just had a weird dream last night and could not piece it together. One minute I was with a beautiful young lady on my way to a distant place to unwind and the next minute, I was watching Gary V. perform live inside a church because he thought the music was a little too mellow for him. Like I said, weird. The thing is, I didn't know the young lady I was with but she had a familiar feeling like I've met her somewhere before.

Dreams are not made purely out of fantasy but rather they are made from the inner bowels of our unconscious mind. The people and things are not really non-existent but rather incohesive thoughts and memories from the past or present. This I learned from master Yoda himself. The troubling part is not when Gary V. started to dance but, the reason why I was in a Roman Catholic church with a familiar someone. I knew the place was cold, (must've been Bagiuo 'coz I've been dying to go there this past few months), and that the person I was with was someone I knew very well and was deeply in love with. Though dreams are never really taken seriously by science or otherwise, they are regarded as an omen or sign in the old days. The gift of foresight (common among jedi), is believed to be channeled by dreams when people go to sleep.

For now, I will meditate on this. Thoughts and memories are still a tool to be wielded properly and if properly allocated, will help you reach your proper end.

Diverse Paths

2004-09-13T01:40:00.000+08:00

I had just been with my colleagues over dinner to wish one of our cherished friends luck on her journey to a foreign country to pursue her career as a pharmacist. It brings me joy to see one of my friends start out to find their dreams and live them and it pains me as well for I may never see her again.

It has been nearly four years since we graduated and went out on our separate ways to live our dreams. It's amazing how God brings different people together, break them up but still keep them connected in a totally different manner. In our journey through life, we travel along a common road and take paths along with the people we meet and at one point we would have to take a different road that may or may not lead to the same place we're trying to get to.

It's nice to know I have found a handful of people who are willing to walk the same path as me. I may lose some of them at one point but I know that I met these people to get me not to where I want to go, but where I should be.

Bleeding Existence

2004-09-11T01:29:00.000+08:00

Over the week I was unable to work as my kidney problems set in and it has proven almost impossible to concentrate because of the pain. I set out to heal myself and ask God for the guidance I need to overcome the emotional and psychological repercussions of this event. As most guys don't think about a certain event in their life with much depth, I on the other hand, had made it a habit to always see things in different perspectives and points of view. A jedi trait lost to the general public.

As I am emotionally driven, my feelings are at the core of what I do. If I'm down, so is everything else. The recent illness I had dealt more damage to my mood than it did to my physiology. During the ordeal, I couldn't help but think that I was almost in my death bed with my blood pressure almost reaching an unstable level and there was no one around me and that no one even tried to contact me to even check if I were alive at the time. I almost died alone. Oh tragedy of tragedies. Can't say it never happened before though.

It is times like these when a bachelor such as myself feel the impact of being alone. Can't help but compare my life to some of my friends. Their special someone would not leave their side even if its just the flu. Corny, and yet it is something I've been missing all along.

Regrets set in as I lay down on my bed. I've always believed that love is not love until you give it away to someone. I almost died without having to tell her how I feel. And yet as tomorrow comes and I see her again, I would not have the courage to. The thought of her having to say "Scram!!" at my face is just too unbearable. Her thoughts betray her as I feel she already knows. She acts otherwise and refer to me as a third party with no name. Cute. Who knows, maybe I'm just paranoid. And so I must continue on to this road that the good Lord has set upon me. To continue a bleeding existence that will someday claim my life. Or not.

The Dark Side

2004-09-05T17:37:00.000+08:00

I've reviewed my blogg page and it would seem that it has been filled with my angst and my disappointments along with some of the anger that has been building up inside me. My apologies. I do have a lighter side if you know me in person. The dark side of me is not exactly a pretty picture to behold. I'll try to include some of my usual humor and crazy antics as often as I can. Thanks.

Another Season of Loneliness

2004-09-05T17:14:00.000+08:00

'Tis another Yuletide season fast approaching. I can almost smell the streetchildren coming to let out a song in exchange for cash. A gesture I never learned to appreciate. Forgive me if I sound like Ebenezer Scrooge so early in September, but I couldn't help but notice the nights are getting colder and longer. I'm getting older in the next month, people don't seem to notice as usual. Suits me just fine, I cant stand people greeting you to blandly ask for a free meal, I have none to spare, nor would I want to use my precious resources to feed some people who hardly knows me.

The past few years, I had less celebrations on the day I was born. Mostly 'coz I don't really care. I don't like the attention. Why should people treat you differently only because you were born on that day? If they really care, they would've treated you the same way all throughout the year! I dislike the fact that I'm reminded that I just got older with another year of being alone.

Last year, I thought it would all change. Didn't count on the fact that things don't really go the way you planned it. Must've been an oversight if not wishful thinking. The anomaly continue to haunt my dreams, she seems beautiful each day. Must be just me. As always, even if you can see the future, you cannot see past the next minute. Life is really unpredictable.

Contributor to the Cause

2004-09-02T09:16:00.000+08:00

Hey guys, I'll be a contributor to Lynx's blogg page www.freshink.blogspot.com in the hopes that the women will understand us guys better by hearing our side of the story for once. Thanks for always reading.

Just Another Face in the Crowd

2004-08-28T22:52:00.000+08:00

Love is truly a wonder to behold. It can inspire you and be a reason for your bitter end as well. It has come to my attention that some people are more resilient to emotional distress than others. To some, a lost love could be a life-changing event and would completely change the way they feel and think. Still for others, it's just part of life that you would have to go through. And to the few selected ones, just another excuse to get laid.

For those who know it as well as I do, after everything else has faded and the love that was is nothing more than a scar, we find it hard to go back to the way it was with the person you used to be with. After everything has been said and done, the moments shared will never go back to the friendship state that existed before the relationship. Atleast not after a while. Some take years to rebuild, mostly because they haven't seen each other in years as most scenarios suggest. The most common outcome of a relationship that didn't work out is a bitter and cold silent treatment.

Its amazing how one person could mean the world to you one day and would amount to nothing the next. Yet another mystery left uncheck by the Jedi council. Brings to mind this one time I was strolling at the mall and saw a familiar face. We came face to face but could not say anything to each other or know what to do. We just crossed paths and moved on. She disappeared among the crowd as I looked back. Then, there it was, I just realized that she and I became estranged to each other. We became just another face in the crowd that is unrecognizable from the rest.

Memories Part 3: Selfish Love

2004-08-22T08:24:00.000+08:00

It was just another regular day for me, a time to rise from the ashes and learn from the lessons of the past. Who would know that in the not so distant future, fate will yet again stir the cauldron of emotiion.

A simple day of meeting new people has weilded another friend. This one was no different from the ones I've met before, a faceless companion connected only by means of modern contraptions. It was everyday that I got to a seemingly innocent conversation with her. I made it a point to make my life an open book to her so she would see the real person inside. It came to a point that we made phone calls to each other just to get more talk time. What started out as
pure friendship blossomed into a deeper level of human interest. We were falling for each other. What makes it different is that we have never met, physically. As much as we tried to contain it and leave it until we see each other, our emotions got the best of us. I suddenly found myself listening to her confess her feelings and I could not deny I had none for her.

And so it came to pass that we should finally see each other. I set out to look for her and attend her cousin's small birthday celebration. Small because it would only be me and a friend. As I set out on my mission to finally see her, I felt an unusual calmness. Unusual being that eventhough I have not met her in person yet, I could care less what she looks like at this point. As I walked through their gate, I can sense that she was excited to meet me too.

She was small framed woman with spellbinding smile that could melt the ice caps. She has curly hair and china eyes. A weekness of mine, or so it seems. As soon as we said our greetings, our eyes would not seperate. It is as if it was catching up on all the times it had missed being bounded. We talked and whispered sweet nothings to each other, we couldn't get enough. When I held her hand, I felt I could take on anyone or anything. It was as indescribable as the feeling an athlete has when he wins a game. We departed with the thought that tomorrow will be the beginning of the rest of our lives.

Throughout the length of our relationship, it had occur to me that we were never really officially "together". We were just two people sharing a common emotion for each other. One day during our long hours of talk, she explains that I cant be a part of her life as hers is already complicated. Her mother has a unique illness and she is still studying as a second year college student. I was already working. Her back problems have been getting worse and I fear she is not telling me something. As the days went on, she requested that I stop seeing her and that further contact with her would only end in tears. She would not explain, she wouldn't tell me anything. I tried to visit her at her house but she just turned me away crying her eyes out. I can tell that she was in deep sorrow, and yet, I don't understand why. Her cousing won't tell me anything either and that by knowing stuff would only complicate things for me. I told her that I was already a part of her life and that whatever complications arise we would face together. She stopped taking my calls, answering my messages and completely banished herself from me.

It was selfish love, I thought. If you love a person, you would share everything, even that tears. At the risk of making my life complicated is not good enough reason for me. Everyday during those times I've speculated. Was she dying from the same illness as her mom? Was she going away to another place where I can never see her? I don't know. "Why'd you have to be so perfect?" she asked while crying. I told her I'm not. "I just fit in to your life". I never saw her again. How can she be so selfish?

A Touch of Reality

2004-08-21T11:05:00.000+08:00

Since I have not been able to move forward with my task of getting the "anomaly" closer within my grasp, my attention is diverted to a distant place. A place where my fantasies fade like the forgotten writings of old. It is during my unfortunate state I was able to find an honest woman who took me to a place where I do not have to dream and imagine.

Eventhough I had just spent my first date with her, I felt that I could not ask for anything more. She was sweet, understanding and as carefree as I am. I could clearly see in her eyes that I need not to pretend to be another person, but to be me and only me. She stares with such intent that I dont have to ask her what she wants or needs but rather feel more and think less. A task not so easily accomplished by one such as me who have used my intellect as a way of life, a way of figuring out things. It was a touch of reality that confused me as to how to go from here. The "anomaly" has indeed taken a hold of my emotions, there isn't a day I dont think of her. On the other hand, this new person is not as perfect as she is but is more realistic and more attainable. It is with this that draws me to this new person. She is someone I could really start a realtionship with.

I could only hope that I won't make any decisions that would be based on convenience and difficulty. The last thing I need is an empty relationship based on politeness. Through it all, it would be an awakening of sorts for me. Another lesson learned.

A Wind of Change

2004-08-15T19:36:00.000+08:00

In light of the recent events, I have decided to change the way I will do things in the future. It has come to my attention that the recent "Anomaly" has degraded my line of thinking and the fact of the matter is, I have fallen short of my own standards.

Though I am unsure as to how to go about it, I'm going to treat it as casual as possible to avoid suspicion of any parties involved. I had become too needy, or so it seems. I'm quite sure that this behavior is as normal as it gets under these circumstances, but reason must not be sacrificed for the sake of emotional outbursts. The lessons of the past has taught me this much. A great man once said, "Love is not an excuse to lose yourself, it should be an opportunity to find one's self through the loving arms of another person." Too bad this great man lost all of his ideal beliefs and became a realist. This poet died when reality finally bit him in the ass. I would know, the great man was me. Too bad I had to kill that side of me a long time ago.

In the next few days, I'm going to make subtle changes. A small step forward may be the key to getting me closer to my goals. We'll see how it goes...

Padawan Fears: A Pit of Despair

2004-08-15T05:26:00.000+08:00

I've fallen into a pit of despair lately and it has been a hurdle to all the tasks I'm set to accomplish. The feeling of overwhelming hatred and jealousy brings me closer to the dark side of my emotions and is becoming a hindrance in my progress with some of my relationships.

The only thing preventing me from acting out my anger is the call of reason. The suppression of this emotion however, brings me to a sulky state and I'm unable to go on with the investigation of "The Anomaly" that has been on my to do list this month. Its amazing how a small amount of jealousy can stir the thoughts of a calm mind. Love, or whatever it is you wish to call it, plays a wildcard role in every scenario possible. How do I say this? It's too damn unpredictable. To be driven by a single state of emotion is truly a wonder to behold. Then again, what makes us human makes us beautiful after all.

Memories Part 2: Forever is a Month and a Half

2004-08-08T22:19:00.000+08:00

Many of us would ask: How long is forever? This much I found out.

I've met the woman of my dreams in the most modern setting possible: At an EB with a group of people from a TV chatroom. I was hesitant at first as I've never been to such gatherings. My friend finally convinced me to come as he would introduce me as the new member.

When I first saw her, she was a vision of simplicity. Smooth, white skin, t-shirt, a pair of jeans and rubber shoes. The way she looked that day would forever be a part of my definition of beauty. It's true that fate can take you places you would never dream possible or real. It was simple enough. Boy meets girl, they fall for each other and vowed to always stay that way for as long as they can. The office itself was a witness to our love, we shared true loves first kiss at her office cubicle. Unbeknownst to us, the security guard was also a witness. The next morning she was given a verbal warning, leaving me banned for life at her office space.

Everyday was worth living and it would seem like the sun itself is shining just for me. I finally found a reason for being, a sense of purpose in this misbegotten place we call life. I've found things inside me that I never knew existed, the caring and loving me that I shut away years ago. It is through her as well, that I've discovered the darker side of my soul, the jealous and insecure me that I never knew to be part of my personality. Love can really bring out the best and the worst in people.

During the progress of our relationship, we began to act immature and somewhat different from where we started. I was introduced to her parents as one of her suitors, not as her boyfriend, much to my dismay. I've come to the understanding that I am not really a priority for her and that a Meteor Garden episode is much more important than the long hours of phone time we used to have. The thought crossed my mind more than once that, I've become a resting place for her when she found her world too toxic and not as a source of inspiration and love. I've began to see her differently as well. To me, she became an obligation and I have to spend time with her just to keep her interested in me. She's practically a breadwinner in her family and she earns more than what I had back then. It was inevitable I guess....

The day came when I was going to introduce her to my parents, we had a pre-arranged time and date. She had to go to an outing with her officemates to Laguna, she insisted that she would make it on time and that I had nothing to worry about. When it was time for them to leave Laguna and go back to Manila, her friends thought it would be cool to have breakfast in Tagaytay first. I told her that she would not make it and that a trip to Tagaytay would mean she would get to Manila during the afternoon and not in the morning as we had planned. I told her that she can just decline and inform her friends that she has a very important place to go to. After weeks, I've finally convinced my parents to stay at the house long enough for them to meet her. I've never brought any girl to them, friend or otherwise and they were thrilled as I am. It was as I had foreseen, she was late and my parents could not wait for her as they are bound to Urdaneta that day. "Looks like your girl is a no show." said my dad jokingly. I was disappointed as much as they were. I told her over a text message that since she doesn't really take me seriously and that I'm a low priority guy for her, it would be better if we should just call it quits. I waited for her to arrive in Manila and her boss convinced me that it was my fault and that I should not demand such things with her. I took it like a man and just admitted it was my bad just to shut her up. We got over it for now.....

We tried to stay afloat for a while and patch things up even though it would seem it was not meant to be mend. Fact of the matter is, I still love her and I would not let go so easily. I tried to keep her but she said that she has lost interest and that she doesn't feel the same anymore. It was hard to swallow and I couldn't bare the fact that the woman who I thought was "the one" will suddenly be gone, banished in my life for good. I could not admit it then, but I had lost interest as well. It was my fear of failure that kept me going and it was not love after all. I tried to make amends with her and apologize for all the bad things I've said and done but it would seem that we're not on speaking terms anymore. I've lost a good friend and I've lost the woman I loved.

And so it lasted only a month and a half. The word forever will never be the same again.

Memories Part 1: A Winter Valentine

2004-08-08T03:17:00.000+08:00

Just to give you guys a brief look at my relationship background, I'm going to write a series of stories from the past that had me who I am today.

It was in college when love showed itself for the first time. It was a rainy day at UST and I had just finished playing Starcraft to let the rain pass. She was standing alone in the rain waiting for someone, something. I curiously approached her to inquire what she was waiting for, classes were over 2 hours ago. She was my classmate...

"I'm waiting for my ride home.", she said with a smile on her face. I was trying to remember her name, hope I had the right one in mind. "Would you mind if I waited with you, snow...". There it was, 2 people seeking shelter from the rain had started talking to each other for the first time....

Time passes so quickly. Everyday I would see her waiting for her ride home, her eyes closes in fear as lightning strikes the earth. The way she laughs and smiles begins to haunt my dreams and suddenly.... I could not call it a day without talking to her.....

One day I found the courage to finally tell her how I feel. To finally let go and let fate decide. The feeling was not as mutual as I'd hoped it to be. She just wants me as a friend, nothing more. I dismissed my feelings, thinking I did not have the right to even ask. And so, 2 years passed by like a breeze from the sea....

It was the last year in school. Despite my efforts to ignore her, the constant ache in my heart would not let me rest. I've decided to show her how much I feel, the only way I knew how. I woke up 2am valentines day to get the best flowers there is as a way of saying: "I still think of you." I got 3 dozens, a dozen white, a dozen pink and a dozen red. White roses, when given to a person, means "I respect you.". I gave it to her on our first class. Pink roses would mean "I admire you.". I gave it to her on our second class. Red roses, well, I think you know already. I gave it to her on our last period. Didn't get the response I was hoping for. She even tried giving it away to some of her friends. I went home, broken, both in spirit and in my wallet. I felt cold and tired, I went to sleep...

I woke up the next day with her apologizing. I was stronger, and warmer. That was the coldest Valentine ever....

A Diplomatic Solution

2004-08-08T01:04:00.000+08:00

This blog would be a response to the comments I've been getting not only in this blog site but with others as well.

The reason for not disclosing my feelings to whom it is concerned to is because of complications. A diplomatic solution is needed before such emotions should be made public. We must be mindful of what we say, words and emotions are forces to be reckoned with. It has the power to set free and to destroy as well. I have no doubt in my mind that she should know this but, we cannot rush into things before they are ready. It would be the same as charging into battle with a broken light saber. Brave yet reckless.

My cause will be known to her, in time....

For now, we must be patient as the farmer planting the seeds of for tomorrows harvest. For those who still doubt my sincerity with her, feel free to judge me as you will. The truth will remain even if the fool refuses to believe in it.

An Anomaly

2004-08-07T07:41:00.000+08:00

This is my first time to write here so here goes....

During the past few moths, I have been investigating an anomaly in the force. It was around a person. During the times I was with her, I seemed to smile a lot and think less of the heavy load I carry each day. I have foreseen that I would be in danger of making a fool out of myself again by falling head over heels for her. Lets face it, I'm not exactly Brad Pitt. The repercussions of me confessing my growing fondness of her would result in a catastrophic explosion of emotions, mainly on my part. I keep telling myself to be mindful of my feelings and that a life of a Jedi must not be corrupted by sharing it with someone else....

Foolish was I to think that one day, she would fall for me as well.... Foolish to think that the heavens would bow down to the ground. Nevertheless, I could not deny myself of the fact that I really want to be with her. She may be "out of my league", but as sure as God made green apples, if there was a way she could see inside me, I'm sure she would feel overwhelmed....

For now, I cannot be someone she likes.....But I can be someone who's always around her and with her, may it be in flesh or in prayers....